Sunday, February 18, 2007

At the base of "The Wall"

I hit the wall recently, or rather, brushed up against it.
Not a physical wall, but the metaphoric one - you know, when you're going full-bore and BAM! suddenly you find yourself in a stuck place. Here's where I was sticking:

*I chose a life purpose to "help people"~then I received a ton of messages from the Universe to let other people be. WTF??

*I released many old receipts, recycling many, setting aside many more to shred~and found myself actually depressed afterwards.

*I felt old, familiar resentment towards my mother and her "meddling." Why can't she leave me well enough alone?

Hello, Wall...

The first goes back to the "Lightworker's Ego" I mentioned last time. The partner of one of my dear international Internet friends put it thusly: "...and the problem with spirituality sometimes is that (it) becomes a bit religiony and starts judging where other people are at because they aren't on the same journey."
YES! I see myself in this space. So let this be an opportunity for me to practice Compassion, sending comforting thoughts to those struggling in Shadow, but holding onto Advising unless specifically asked. I put this into my spritual toolbox for future reference.

The second, now, is something rather interesting. I see how much I had invested in these receipts, how much of ME I had put into these piles, these little slips of paper. As I release these papers, I release a part of ME - and I now stop and acknowledge how frightening this is.
Does the snake tremble a little as it sheds its skin?
I can race through my house, decluttering like a madwoman, releasing many material things. But when I think of going through the storage shed outside, in the patio...ah, then I stop in my tracks, and feel my belly contract in anxiety. So when I come to the shed, I must proceed slowly, with great care, and be willing NOT to release if I don't feel ready to release.

And the third...
I live with my mother. It is by mutual choice. She will need a caregiver eventually, and I have agreed to be her caregiver. (I agreed to this before I arrived on this plane.) In return, I am free from worrying about paying for rent, or a mortgage. Most of the time, we get along famously - but we are operating from differing paradigms. I am of a metaphysical bent, and she is not (at least, not nearly as much as me).
Let us say she has a greater need for financial security and stability than I do. Let us also say that we have differing opinions on housekeeping. Her modus operandi is to remind me to do something, or to follow up on what I have said I would do, on a regular basis until I DO IT, whatever it is. I call it "nagging." ;-)
So I needed to return to myself, re-examine my agenda, reassure myself that all was proceeding exactly as it should, and remember that compromise and negotiation are possible...if I vocalize where I am and what I need to do.

Honor my*self, above all else.
The rest will fall into place.

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