Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Balancing Act

After Monday evening, I was seriously re-thinking my choice about returning to the answering service.
Yes, the hours are good, the commute is good, and I get along with everyone there...but sometimes the energy there sucks hard donkey dicks, pardon my Swahili. If it's not the callers that get to me, it's the arrogant clients, who must think all of the operators are brainless.
As well, I like to eat leisurely, and not have to bolt down a mouthful of food just because a call rings in on my board. I also find myself ravenous during checkout (when clients turn their phones over to us and they go home for the day), and often after I get off work. I function best on a full stomach. These things cannot be healthy.

The lunar eclipse that took place Monday night/Tuesday morning was not helping the situation, either!!

Now, I have been experimenting with snacking mid-afternoon (on fruit & nuts) and waiting until after checkout to grab my dinner. This has helped.
I also sat down and did a cost/benefit analysis around the job. The costs matched up with the benefits pretty well down the line. Neither category was bigger than the other.
So I came to the conclusion that it was time to start walking my walk, since I was already talking the talk.
I set an intention that it would be a good day. I kept myself centered. I breathed deeply while I enjoyed my quick strolls around the building. And today passed infinitely better than Monday did.
Oh, there was an arrogant client, but I had fun with the situation today.

Today I chose to regard this job as a place to hone my spiritual practice still further.
I will choose this option again if and when I forget.

Monday, August 27, 2007

checking in

I come to realize that those parts I wasn't liking in myself, those parts that are emboldened to surface when I'm working my shift at the answering service, are the very parts I need to exploit in order to keep my sanity.

My job gives me opportunities to practice Absolute Acceptance with my*self, and deepen the self love that I have been practicing this year - both in allowing these "muggle" bits to flourish at work, and in giving myself the care I need outside of work. Right now, that "care" is consisting of mini-adventures...driving into the towns that border mine, and allowing myself to play turista, just exploring with no agenda, making note of interesting places to show any friends who might drop by to visit... :-)

More shifts are going on beneath the surface. I'm reading Barbara Brennan's Light Emerging right now, as a part of my ongoing Work. I can read a single sentence, and react to it, and feel things transforming within me - to where I have a completely different view in the space of a few minutes! More on that later, when things have had time to percolate...

And I say "yes" to it all, and hang no expectations on the outcome.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

life, in progress

Recently I was hearing the little anxious voices...
"We still need to record that CD"
"We need to write that book"
"We need to read all of these metaphysical books"
"We need to create more"

et cetera

So I stepped back out of myself to look at the big picture
and I fully appreciated
how big a shift I've made in my life
from the start of the year
until now.

This has been one big re-invention, so far
and now I am moved to relax, to celebrate,
to ~p l a y~ in the world.

Allowing the path to unfold organically
Allowing myself to feel when the time is finally perfect
Allowing myself to Surrender into the Mystery of Life.

I can throw my (muggle) calendar away for good. :-)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Personal Responsibility

Where has it gone??

I find myself shaking my head in utter bemusement at the profound lack of it in those who call in to our client companies. Whatever happened to listening to your intuition? Whatever happened to getting out the old phone book, or hopping online to your favorite search engine, and finding the information yourself? Whatever happened to calling the person you're looking for, f'godssakes??

The people calling in for their doctors frightens me deeply - giving all of your power over to someone else to make the decisions for you and your body?! or your child's body?!? WTF?

Yes, it's cultural conditioning on the deepest level...between the fear-mongering that is running rampant today, and the subtle insistence of Letting "Them" Choose for You Because "They" Know You Better Than You Know Yourself.

Been there, done that, not going back again.

The awakened soul sees all the other souls sleepwalking, and desires more than anything to yell "WAKE UP!" at them. But alas, the whole tangled web of liability forces her to bite her tongue.

(still, it could be worse...instead of suing each other for difference of opinion, we could be shooting at each other... *insert shudder here*)

This is why I pray for World Enlightenment, instead of World Peace.
"Peace" for you may mean a very different thing than "Peace" for me.
Besides, once everyone can see what they're doing (in the Light), then everything is possible, including Peace.

le sigh. end of rant.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Honoring the Dead

The beginning of the harvest season is always a bittersweet one for me; with two exceptions, the deaths of loved ones have occurred in this month. So now I carve out some cyberspace to speak of those who have crossed, and remember them...

My father crossed in San Francisco on August 3rd, 1990. AIDS claimed his life. His passing seriously messed with my mind: I carried guilt around in my head for years, for not going to see him. I also shut my physical need for intimacy and ecstatic (sexual) union in a tiny closet, and kept it tightly locked away, for more than a decade. I let it loose from the closet a few years ago, but it is only now that I am seeing the full picture of my sexual self - and only now that I have finally released that collapsing space-time and visiting him in hospice on the evening of the anniversary of his death.
(The energy of this day has had great effect upon me; just this year, I could sense how my energies were thrown off by what was running through/around me. I have used this annual vortex to make significant changes in my life in previous years - but that's a topic for another discussion. Call it another "loose end") ;-)

August 15th, 2004, one of my co-workers at the synagogue passed on. Her name was Evie. It was merely "old age" that came to claim her. I regarded her as a second grandmother, and doted upon her; I daresay she happily reciprocated. I will never forget her reaction on one December day when I brought her my mother's old office chair as a Channukah present and gifted it to her, because she had complained about the chair she was using at the time. Tears of astonished gratitude were in her eyes as she thanked me.
On the day we lay her to rest next to her husband, who had crossed over before I began working at the synagogue, I happed to look up and see a hawk circling overhead. I knew then that she had chosen hawk to be her totem...and whenever I saw two hawks flying in the sky above the synagogue, I knew she and her husband were soaring through Heaven together - and that they were winging by to say hello. :-)

Finally, there is August 17, 2003, and the passing of my original grandmother. She had completed her 95th year on this plane when she chose to cease struggling against death and surrendered to it instead. She was a power*full, yet gentle Leo, who doted upon me, the only child of the baby of the family. The relationship between her and my mother was not always copacetic, being that my mother is an equally fiery Aries (!), but it was always cordial. As we laid my grandmother to rest besides the grandfather I never knew (as he had crossed over from a heart attack before I was born), I saw her return in the totem of a butterfly. This after a week of observing her choose which totem she was going to assume.
She also came to visit me upon several occasions, post-crossing. Each time, she had released some more of the "chronological age" she had accumulated upon this plane, until she found an "age" where she was most comfortable in visitation. Bearing witness to her process helped me shed a lot of my fears surrounding death. For that gift, I am deeply grateful...

When my mother crosses over, I hope she does so in August, so I can keep all of these energy vortices in the same month. We shall see.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

the nitty-gritty

Betimes, I find myself sitting in Judgment of the people who are calling our client companies during my shift. I wonder if some of them are blithering idiots. I know some of them are complete A-Souls.

Then I judge myself, for judging others. Get thee off of thy high horse! I chide myself. We are all swirling in the soup together, as SARK would say, and all that.

Judgment, insofar as I can tell, though, is a perfectly human trait. And if I am nothing else, I am perfectly human.

So I start considering - what does it mean to be "spiritual" and "enlightened," anyway?
I find myself looking at the current paradigm and find it wanting.
Forsaking the material~changing your life to reflect only light and fluffy clouds~all the asceticism and purification attached.

Star medicine, totally.
This Earth girl is subverting the paradigm. ;-)
Simply, be Present, and In Joy with life.

All right, perhaps I can come in to work and hold the callers in Compassion, since I don't know the whats and whys in their lives.
But I reserve the right to call a spade a spade, if the idiot is blithering enough - for there are times in the month when I don't suffer fools at all.