Monday, April 28, 2008

Made it!

I post this live & direct from the lovely city of San Francisco itself. :-)

It took nearly two days of driving, many loads of packing and unpacking, and some very annoying moments of navigating tons of one-way streets (gaahhh! lol)...but it's all been worth it! The view out of g-flirt's window is incredible! I will have her email me a pic of it - which I will then see if I can upload (mm - adventures in posting pictures! lol)

We rented a hybrid car to drive up from San Diego. I had some questions about how it would do on the highways, but it did very nicely. It's very sensitive to the touch of the steering wheel, and it's totally fascinating watching the electric system at work as we're driving. I am completely sold...when my loyal Mazda Polaris finally gives up the electronic ghost, my next car will be a hybrid. You saw it here first! :-D Tomorrow I turn it in and surrender to the terribly efficient public transportation system here.

The hard part is finally over. Now the fun part can begin!
I may post more before I get home, or I may not. I don't know...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

...picking up where i left off...

I usually don't stop mid-flow and jump out,
but yesterday the intent skewed sideways.
I wasn't writing what I wanted to write.

So here's a bit of where I thought I was going to go...
I'm feeling very much outside of time.
Allowing things to come up and be done as they would.
Yet mother is still wanting me to adhere to a schedule and contemplate agendas.
I wonder if my being "unglued"
Is another form of procrastination
I'm using to maintain some sense of "control" over my life?

And speaking of things that make you go hmmm,
Perhaps it was a premonition of the chaos
I was going to experience later at work that day,
so I stopped writing to gather in all of my energies, mais non?

Because work was a bitch and a half, maybe even two bitches!
starting with the onslaught of (sleepwalking) callers
& ending with a screaming hissy match
between my other three co-workers.
UGH! :-(

Just now,
I stopped in on one of my communal boards
Looking to see if there were any nibbles.
I found NONE
& felt disgusted.

Right, it's over! I thought.
I'm not noticed anymore! I'm SO quitting!
Then I did a double-take:
It's not them.
It's me.

I'm totally in the "Land of Overwhelm" right now.
I am this far from Total Spiritual/Emotional Burnout.
Praise the GODS I have this trip to SF coming up next week!
I'm beginning to realize that I really need it!

When I get back,
THEN, I'll see
what my next move is.

Yes. I can deal with that.
Let me just survive the rest of this week...!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Navigating the In*Between

Oh, hai, here I am... ;-)
In Between.

This last week or so was a challenge at work. We switched over to using a new operator software system. It turns out there were more kinks in it than we realized. (I've started a kvetching list. lol) Since we were ALL "newbies," even though some of us were a bit more familiar with it, having entered all of our current clients into it - a task that was supposed to take two weeks, but ended up taking two months, tyvm! - well, let's just say ALL of us have had at least one "moment" where we've been ready to tear our hair out & run screaming out of the office, never to return! In my case, I just ran down to the "big" bathroom (in the office complex) and spent a couple of minutes screaming my head off, and making various noises of discomfort & distress. Spleen vented, I was much better! (lol)

Meanwhile, my "sister from another mother" has finished up a chapter of her life in holding space, as it were, for her grandfather to cross over. Now that the dust has settled, the Universe has pointed her North, to relocate in San Francisco. In the middle of all the chaos, I've gone from toying with the idea of going to actually covering my shifts and, just now, purchasing my plane ticket to fly back home. Behold the Power of Consciously Intended Manifestation! :-D Significant Lessons to be learned here...!

(you know what, i think i'll come back to this later.) ;-)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


So I had found these two threads...

One thread was the fear of dying, decay, and all that - not death itself, but the journey there. (As I discuss in the previous post.)
The other thread was a familiar one: loneliness. I want to step forward into the search for Right Relationship in my life, to seek and find the Beloved, but taking that leap has not happened as of yet. Open, yet reserved - that's me.
As I journaled on Monday, I wrote about these threads, and noticed that I used one word to describe both of them: Separation.

AH! That's it!
The fear of my mortality & mortal processes signals a separation within: "mind" from "body."
The feeling of loneliness signals a separation without: *I* carry the dis*connect I feel from with world; *I* carry the shield to hold others at arm's length.

And that's the whole idea, isn't it?
Have I not been conditioned to feel "separation," in my*self and around my*self, from the beginning? Haven't we all been conditioned this way, at least in the West?
This is our POD-conditioning...what the Power-Over Dominators need us to feel in order to stay "on top," as it were.

This is the conditioning we need to transmute & release.
This is the skin I need to shed.
Separation is but an illusion - smoke and mirrors.
Forewarned is fore-armed...or is that four-legged? ;-)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

If you're not time anxiety...what are you?

Well, after the wonderful period of time leading up to and including Ostara, with my CD ready to be picked up (as soon as I could set a definitive time to stop by! lol), you'd think I would have been jumping for joy!
Instead...I could feel threads of depression wanting to wend their way into my psyche.

It wasn't Time Anxiety; I've shifted out of that.
I realize, in fact, that I'm shifting out of chronos-time, that is oh-so-carefully monitored, counted, and doled out, lest it be squandered, or worse, wasted! ~ and into kairos time, where everything happens in Divine Perfect Timing, whether it happens today, tomorrow, or even sometime next week! ;-)
So if this isn't Time Anxiety, what is it, then? Reveal Thyself!
And I received an answer...

See, I've been putting off scheduling my annual dr. appointments because I'm "convinced" that they're going to tell me that my time is indeed winding down sooner instead of later. There's a "belief" in my head that I'm going to cross over from ovarian cancer, to be specific.
Say what? :-o
Where on earth did you get that idea?! I asked myself.
Well, start with some previous life memories of, indeed, crossing over because of ovarian cancer. Add a belief of, "I hated being female for so many years in this life, this is what I've manifested
for myself."
Then toss in Blade Consciousness, which already desperately wants to avoid the natural & inevitable processes of entropy & decay...and voila!

Then I distilled it even further: I fear my mortality because I fear Loss and Change.
Now, "Change" and I have become, if not bosom buddies, at least good friends. I am comfortable enough with it. "Loss," however - ah, there's the rub.
So I invite it to sit with me at the table and have a spot of tea...