Tuesday, February 28, 2012

January: Persephone - The Maiden

I'm doing a little catching up here, post shape-shifting. Bear with me for a bit... ;-)

Before this year began, I purchased a calendar and "activity book" from my very lovely friend, Goddess Leonie, to square away the old and make space for the new. One of the things she included for this 2012 edition was a section to do a divination for the year to come, so I broke out one of my oracle decks and pulled twelve cards, one for each month.
My intention is to share with you the lessons I've learned, and the insights that have come to me, at the end of each month. As January is the first month on ze calendar, the first Goddess was Persephone. Her message to me was: Find ways to use your innocence as a strength. Thus and so...

An innocent butterfly. (North Carolina, 7/10)
When I drop in to the innocent place within me, deep in my Center, I find emptiness. It's not a hollow or despairing emptiness; rather, it's a rich emptiness - the Void Before Creation, where all is possible, and simply abiding, waiting for the Voice to speak the Word that will make All Things manifest. I can come to this empty space and re-center myself when I'm feeling too full of clutter, too full of the ten thousand details of distraction, and I need to drop everything and reconnect with what is Really Important.
This innocent place, this innocent being within me...she does not judge anyone. She is open to loving and playing with all whom she meets. She runs outside when it's somewhere between rain and sun to look for rainbows. She stops to watch the crows fly across the sky and wonders if she can figure out where they're going. She is captivated by a hummingbird flitting by, a flower blooming, the colors of the sky at sunset. She feels herself expand when the scent of jasmine tickles her nostrils, or when she hears a woodpecker tapping in a tree far above her head. She knows she is a part of the Natural World and feels completely comfortable within it.

Following the Trail. (Kit Carson Park, 1/11)
When I go out into Nature, I drop into this place of Innocence and reconnect with the world around me, along with the gentle softness within me. I fill up the empty places with Authentic Energy and return home refreshed and renewed. As long as I see the Beauty in the "ordinary," I know the innocent one within me is happy and healthy, protected and loved...and I can take these energies and share them with those I meet, known and unknown.
I was grateful to have opportunities to rest in the Emptiness during my Eye of the Needle initiation process. I have emerged from the death/rebirth cycle still rather Empty, giving me the opportunity to be selective about what I want to fill this new space with. I begin to draw the new threads together...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

rebooted :-)

"Butterfly At Rest." (Home, 1/12)
 Now that the energies of Winter are yielding in the transitional time of Spring, I find myself landing once more on my feet. I recall, just as Winter was beginning, mentioning something about pushing a Great Cosmic Reset Button. Sometimes my words are more prophetic than I realize at the time I utter them, but isn't that usually how it works? ;-)

2011 was indeed about working with and through my Core Shadows, and the Eye of the Needle initiation I underwent over the Winter stripped away all the parts of Stuck Ego within me. It wasn't always the most pleasant experience; of all the seasons I've walked upon this Path of Spirit, this past Winter was THE most intense one, bar none...and I hear I'm not alone in feeling this. (That's always comforting.) Quite simply, I died unto myself so I could be born anew, which is very shamanic, yes? :-)
Along with the personal work came some Trans-Personal stuff as well: when I was initiated eleven years ago as a Wiccan Priestess (Imbolc 2001), I had NO idea of the baggage that this archetype carried with it. Holding significant Information within while carrying oneself "apart" from the rest of the world had its time and place, but now the time has come to re-merge with the world and share the Information, as widely as possible. A lot of what I call "removing the rod that was up my arse" was the Trans-Personal aspect of this latest round of shape-shifting. The Collective Shadow bound to the Personal Shadow and went poof! thanks to the process of Spiritual Alchemy. :-)

With the dust settling, I find myself, in a sense, back where I started: at the same answering service I left some 21 months ago. I have the same equation: the muggle job on the one hand, and the mystic dreams on the other hand. Having said that, I'm in a completely different place than I was back then (and so is the answering service, Praise the Goddess!) and have a rather different destiny track unfolding before me. There's a sense that I've been "rebooted," and this time, I'm going to Do It Right.
Not that I'm saying that I did it "wrong" previously...when you find that significant energies are rising into your awareness all at once, and some of these energies haven't seen the light of day, so to speak, for several millennia, yah, you're going to be hard-pressed to keep your equilibrium too! Many things were unlocked for me after my Soul Retrieval experience, some of which I'm only now beginning to comprehend!

I find myself looking at the Tabula Rasa, the Blank Slate, which was hiding beneath an unbelievable amount of spiritual clutter. The clutter has now been cleared away. I place my hands upon the smooth clean surface for a moment, close my eyes, and breathe deeply a time or three. Then I pick up the pen, dip it into the ink, and begin to sketch out a new map of Destiny, black lines beginning to criss-cross white paper...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Great Unlearning

"Flowers of Alienation" (Encinitas, CA 7/10)
  We divorce ourselves from process, even as we yearn for love, companionship, understanding, and communion. We constantly defeat ourselves by questioning, asserting ourselves at the wrong times, or letting hatred and pride cloud our perceptions. Our alienation is self-generated.
~Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao~

These words I read on Friday the 13th last month continue to resonate with me. I have been generating my own alienation for quite a while. It came to me recently: much of my spiritual growth has been motivated by fear and resistance...
Fear of being left behind, left out, or found out as a "fraud": How can I co-create healing and miracles for others when I can't do that for myself? How dare I call myself a Priestess! My inner critics and Judges have been harsh, especially of late, stirring up lots of self-hatred and loathing.
Resistance to what is unfolding in the Now moment before me: I don't like the story as it's being written, so I want to make up my own. I get lost in my head. I want to impose my story upon what is unfolding around me - and when they don't match (which they usually don't), I get angry and frustrated, wanting to scream in rage and sob hysterically, which I've done. Guilty, Your Honor! ;-)

A group of "Should-Be's" (Encinitas, CA 7/10)
All suffering is the space between what you think should be and what is.
~Brian Piergrossi, The Big Glow~

Ah, What I Think Should Be. I "should be" somewhere else than where I am, doing something else than what I'm doing, surrounded by people other than who I know now. Time and again I get caught up in What I Think Should Be, because I am a Priestess. I am "special." I have been "chosen." I am the child whose life was altered with one parent leaving, and changing radically - and then dying of AIDS, a disease transmitted by unprotected sex. I am scarred. I must hold myself apart from everyone, not let anyone get close. I must act and speak according to standards not necessary for "mere" mortals. I must walk a straight-and-narrow path, or nothing I wish for will come true. Ever.

Light at the end of the Tunnel. (Encinitas, CA 9/09)
You must Unlearn what you have learned.
~Jedi Master Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back~

So this is what the Eye of the Needle initiation process has shown me, and brought to the surface of my Awareness before stripping it away. In the beginning, I had "beginning" Shadows to Work with and through; now that I'm advanced, the Shadows get deeper, denser, and more persistent. Coyote sits before me and holds up a mirror. Here are your illusions, kiddo, he says to me. What are you going to do with them?

I move to rewrite the remaining agreements of stuckness. I move to remove the proverbial rod from my ass and release my delusions of "specialness." (Yah, Wayne Dyer has a point after all. Word.) I move to stare down those things that persist in blocking me - namely, feelings of Lack and Scarcity - the Scar City in the mind - and fix them with the Laser Eyes of Doom until they dissolve. I won't be the first to look away! Most importantly, I move to replace Fear*full Resistance with Faith*full Acceptance. I've done enough growing the "hard" way; I'd like to try the "easy" way for a while. :-)

Appears to be a LONG way up... (Encinitas, CA 11/09)
 If that which you seek you find not within yourself, you shall never find it without. For behold: I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which you shall find at the (heart) of Desire.
~Doreen Valiente, Charge of the Goddess (slightly reworded)~

With the way cleared, perhaps I can answer some questions that have been dogging me: Who am I, and What am I supposed to be doing, in this New Reality? Karen Bishop (and others) had it correct - trying to act in the "old" ways doesn't work in this "new" reality. So what IS my true purpose?
The answers promise to be interesting, at the very least... :-)