Friday, December 30, 2011

So, here's where I stand today...

Gettin' by with help from my friends. (Kit Carson Park, 11/11)
 Though the mainstream world turns the page onto a new year come Sunday, I personally started my new year on the Solstice, which fell on the 22nd this year. Regardless, we are in the liminal days between the old and the new, and these last few days have been a time of reflection for me...

I regard 2009 as the year I Recapitulated my entire Spiritual Journey. I regard 2010 as the year I Shifted Realities, having unlocked some very deep, archetypal, and primal feminine energies - and stepped away from the mainstream world to make an effort to bring these energies into alignment within myself. It looks like I will come to regard 2011 as the year I Worked with, and through, my Core Shadows, those issues and challenges that have been hiding deep within, as deep as the aforementioned Wild Woman energies.
As assisted by the significant ebbs and flows of the (super-)natural energies that everyone felt, to greater or lesser extent, this past year, entire mountain ranges of emotion moved about inside of me, though I appeared to be rather motionless outside. Though my life might have appeared calm and peaceful to an outside observer, inside was anything BUT, as I felt tossed upside down, turned inside out, and put through the Cosmic Wringer more often than not!
Several times in 2011, I lost my Vision for my future, and my faith in the Divine was severely tested. Several times, I thought I was broken beyond repair; other times, I thought I would have to take very drastic action to secure my freedom and my very life! As I've noted previously, things most certainly came to a crescendo right after 11/11/11; only after the Solstice has the dust finally settled enough that I can begin to see the path as it stretches out before me once more.

That path has led me back into what many call "gainful employment." Yes, I've secured a muggle job once the very same place I left 21 months ago! Fortunately, both the energies at my former-now-current workplace, along with the energies within ME, have shifted sufficiently that I feel comfortable enough to emerge from my time of sequestration. This renunciate is laying down her dogma and turning her attention to practical issues - namely, replenishing ye olde bank account with some regular infusions of cash monies!
I will say I'm grateful for this employment opportunity for three other reasons, besides the financial one: first, although I didn't wholeheartedly pursue muggle job opportunities during my sequestration, it's nice to finally hear a "yes, you're perfect," after hearing a whole bunch of nothing after interviews, aka, "No, you're not what we're looking for. Have a nice life anyway." Second, working at this job invites me to recreate solid structure in my life, around which I can arrange my ten thousand details to maximize my flow within life's currents. Let me confess: the lack of this structure has not been working to my benefit, as the Procrastination Gremlin has been frolicking around a bit too much in my psyche. Third, and not least, this job gives me a chance to get out of the home and into different energies. I give myself permission to have a spot of Breathing Room - which is gratefully welcomed at this point, let me tell you!

So in the space of these next few weeks, I will be playing with the details of my life. (As someone with a Virgo Moon, the prospect makes me infinitely happy.) I will continue to plot out potential destiny tracks for this year and beyond. I will also continue to be the Shamanic Priestess, no worries...mayhap just a bit harder to get in touch with. ;-) This is one thing I'm NOT compromising on - though I'm (going to be) more active in the muggle world right now, I'm still wielding my magick touch and offering my unique perspectives and gifts to those who are seeking it. I just have to see how my details gel before making major strides; as this is still the season of Repose, though, that's not a problem anyway. :-)

There's the practical stuff. Now the spiritual stuff...
I'm feeling more flexible, more open, more willing to shift my shape to accomodate change. I'm still feeling very empty and waiting to see what will come in to fill me. I'm also feeling uber-protected right now, wrapped in a blanket of Divine warmfuzzylove support.
I have allowed myself to be distracted far too much by the "when" and the "where" of my life, looking too much toward the distant horizon and not enough at the path immediately before my feet. I am shifting my focus to the essential parts that need my attention - to the Who and the What of my life. Here is where I need clarity and definition; as I define myself and my creations, my eventual "when" and "where" will resolve themselves.
There are parts of this journey that I will be sharing openly as I move forward in 2012, for I have found the word that I shall use as a guidepost for the new year: Expansion, in all parts of my life.

Tomorrow I shall walk the labyrinth at Questhaven and enjoy a long candlelight bath. Tomorrow I shall ponder activities that I want to unfold for the New Year. Sunday I shall circle with some of my sisters as we welcome in 2012 together.
May this year be an Awesome one for you and me and all of us!  :-)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Eye of the Needle

The Very End of the Sunset. (Nevada, 11/11)
Well, it seems the timeline accelerated on me the last part of November and into the first part of December.

I started my Virtual Walkabout earlier than I expected. I needed to because of the massive amount of shape-shifting that surged into my awareness as the moon waxed from New to Full, and I desperately needed some Stillness to try to ground into. There were times when it was hard for me to put two sentences together in my head; in one significant sense, it felt like I was dying inside! - and now that I look back upon this process, a part of me was.
One of my shamanic sisters nailed it a few days prior to the full moon: I wasn't standing in the Crucible. This time, I was in the heart of a huge Volcano of Shadow, Negativity, and low-frequency ick. Just before the lunar eclipse, the Volcano erupted. BIG time! I went into my car for some privacy (taking along my hand drum) and let everything erupt. It was messy. It was LOUD. And after it was over, it was extremely cleansing.

I was anticipating further eruptions with the eclipse, but instead, I found myself dropping into a state of Serene Emptiness, for the first time in quite a while! As reality expanded around me again once more, I breathed into it, and receive the message that I had just passed through the Eye of the Needle, an initiatory portal that relieved me of a Ton of Nasty Stuff that I no longer needed to carry with me! Further sitting in stillness revealed to me what that Nasty Stuff entailed. To sum: The "Good Girl" is dead.

This doesn't mean that I'm now Darth Vader's left-hand woman or anything like that. ;-) Promise.

What has died within me is the People-Pleaser who had to be Agreeable with Everyone. If someone disagreed with anything she said or did, she became nervous...Maybe they don't like me anymore! What must I do to get them to like me? (so she could be Validated as a "Good" girl, see?)
What has died within me is the dreaming Perfectionista who had to have Every Last Detail of her dreams come Absolutely True in the World of Form, or it was Wrong. (And of course, she never had a dream that was off-target!) She who clung SO fiercely to Expectations, and Attached Everything to the Outcome - that's one way you define Fundamentalism!

With the waning moon, I'm working with Mother Vulture to clear away any and all remaining ick. So yes, I'm still on my Virtual Walkabout, though I'm leaving this little note to let my posse know that All Is Well. And there are forms emerging from the Emptiness for me to consider, so I'll be having some fun with those as the New Year kicks off. :-)