Saturday, October 12, 2013


West Coast Butterfly Maiden (@ Home, 7/13
First, a wee bit of explanation...
In the movement of the planets through the heavens, a planet is considered to be "retrograde" if it seems to be moving backwards in respect to the motion of the other planets. When it's moving forward again with the other planets, it is said to have gone "direct." This is very helpful in various astrological forecasts if you're trying to figure out why the sam-hill your computer has frozen a dozen times today, or if you're love-life suddenly smells like an egg salad left a wee too long in the sun, or some other little quirk.

I provide the explanation because I feel like I've finally going direct after a personal retrograde phase that stretched from just after last year's dynamic Winter Solstice to this year's (not quite so dynamic) Autumn Equinox. Finally, I feel like I can move forward again without my efforts turning to dust after a few steps!

Being that Bear Medicine runs strong within me, I can see this is really the start of a conclusion to a major two-year cycle of shapeshifting for me. It began on 11/11/11, and the Eye of the Needle initiations which I've written about before. To sum: layers and layers of stuck ego and clogged Shadow were stripped out of me as I felt like I was passing through increasingly-smaller "needle-eyes," which I now suspect were really energetic portals. I thought that once the Transitional period reached its conclusion at last year's Winter Solstice, I would be in the clear and ready to Go Forth and Heal Everyone!

Instead - I entered what I shall call the Time of Tempering, where I was shaped in Fire, then quenched in Water, back into the Fire, once more to the Water, again and again and again. Special High Intensity Transformation writ Large in my life; External Change this year to complement the Internal Change I underwent last year.
Much of the external change came at my muggle job, with a near-total overhaul at the upper levels. What WAS at the start of the year is no longer here and what now IS is still emerging, slowly, gently. I helped to hold the space as my workplace went though a death cycle; I am continuing to hold the space as the rebirthing micro-moves its way forward. As much as I have kvetched about my muggle job to certain parties IRL, it has been THE main thing keeping me centered and grounded in This Reality as I've gone through some of the most intense parts of my shapeshifting and transmuting, since I'd be probably be hanging out around Neptune by now if I didn't have the responsibility to suit up, show up, and Lead the Troops!
A lot of the external change, if I'm going to be totally honest about it, has also stemmed from the simple fact that I'm no longer "single." ME has become WE, and I'm still sifting and sorting through that. There are days when I have very much missed just going out somewhere, by myself, or quietly staying at home, by myself, and interacting with my environs as simply ME. It's been a bit more than a year, and my new partner*ship is definitely a work still in process!
Having said the above, would I go back to being just ME? Oh-Hell-No! Being part of a WE has brought me stability and security in deep places that longed to feel stability and security. Being part of a WE has probably saved my sanity and kept me from going completely out of synch with Reality!

Out of synch. Yes.
I felt very out of synch between the equinoxes, when my work schedule was shifted. My Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays were free, and I was working Wednesday through Saturday. The only problem was, many of my friends' get-togethers were scheduled on Fridays and Saturdays! Many times in those six months (or so), I felt very isolated and cut off from the Flow of Life. Fortunately, my work schedule has changed back, and I'm happy as a clam as I feel the possibilities to commune opening up for me once more! 
There was a gift in the "isolation" experience, though: I really got to know my Core Shadows and what was causing Resistance within me. I tracked the sticky bits of Resistance back to three main sources...
~There were times when I really embodied the Over-Giving Mother. I would feel totally drained, and would become really pissy and resentful if I was asked to do One More Thing, for anyone. (Can we say Delegation! I'm still in the process of learning that lesson, now that I'm part of a WE.)
~I realized that a part of me regarded going back to a muggle job (to start off 2012) as the ultimate act of giving up, and had chosen to shut down and withdraw into herself. "Fine!" she yelled, pouting, "I'll just stay in her until (my) Mom dies! Then maybe I'll come out and play!" Basically, I'll-be-able-to-fulfill-my-dreams-when-my-mother-dies had taken the place of -when-I-move-to-Asheville (North Carolina). My Inner Dragon didn't like hearing that. I called bullshit! immediately on myself. What sort of piss-poor excuse is THAT! she roared. I AM sharing my magick, no matter what!

~Several times I hit Deep Fear of Retribution, and Punishment, and Pain. Several times my newly amped empathic awareness would see something horrid on TV/in a magazine or a newspaper, and I would have to disengage immediately. A few times I would be in front of a mirror in the middle of the night and not want to turn on the light, because I Did Not Want to See the Horror of My Reflection. These were sure signs that I was doing some major Trans-Personal work - in my case, embodying and transmuting the energies inherent in the Collective Feminine Wounding. (Somewhere along the line, I have become a Master Grounder, Anchor, and Space-Holder. All righty then!)
These are the times when I regard the Goddess and wonder aloud, "Do you think you could have warned me?" Always the response comes, "Would you have done the Work if you had known?" Probably I don't get warned, and I'm not the only one.

The key to bypassing the obstacles, for me, is Awareness. I basically distilled the first two obstacles and came up with this wee character flaw: Sometimes, I am a Selfish Diva who believes herself to be the Center of the Universe - and who gets mighty pissy when she is Proven Wrong! If I'm feeling hesitant or cranky, I can just say, ah, Diva Moment! and realize I'm getting stuck, and unstick myself. If I have an outsized reaction to something rather minor, I can similarly think to myself, ah, Trans-Personal Shift! and tune in to what needs to be moved through/out of my system.

I am also choosing to invest some time and money into myself and my Work. Pre-Transition, I had a fairly clear idea of what the Work looked like and what I was going to be doing in the Work. Now that the stuck-ego bits have been cleared out (in the main), I need to go back to the beginning and figure out the Work again. What will it look like? What will I be doing to fulfill it? What is my Voice saying this time to lead the way? This is where my focus will be during the Winter months, as I begin anew in the New Reality.
I have a feeling that I'll be going direct big-time pretty soon... :-)