Friday, February 23, 2007

And an ending...

Today is my last day of "freedom," so to speak.
Tomorrow I begin taking some significant steps of visualization with a dreamboarding session.
Sunday I trot halfway around the globe!
I get back Thursday, 3/8. Then I'll have to act like a (semi) responsible adult and start actualizing these dreams of mine - and maybe earn some money to keep mom happy, or at least sane. ;-)

It was a good month to go inward and clear space for my*self.
Now it's time to flip the energies around and move outward...

Thursday, February 22, 2007

After Clearing...

The pile of stuff to distribute gets smaller and smaller. :-)
I have created the vacuum; now I can consider how best to fill it...

I knew I needed to quit the muggle job in order to move on to the next phase of my life, but I had no idea what that looked like. Now, with the clutter vanishing, I am beginning to see - and more importantly, feel - my end goal, who I am striving to be.

I manifest my future as a Singer, storyteller, perhaps as a channel and/or medium, definitely as a priestess and bodhisattva. Betimes, though, I get anxious, wanting to be that Luminous Woman of Spirit right now, and not entirely sure of where I should begin!

Over this last new moon, I received the message: Let your Voice lead the way.
Yes. The Songs. That is ready to go right now; the rest can fall into place afterwards.

Okay. So now I have a starting point.

Monday, February 19, 2007

My Nose Runneth Over

One minor drawback to massive and rapid de-cluttering:
It can kick up a TON of Dust!

I happen to have nasal allergies: if it blooms or sheds, or comes off of something that blooms or sheds, I'm allergic to it. I sneeze a lot (and these aren't dainty feminine sneezes, either) and go through many many tissues. The sound I make in blowing my nose can raise the dead, so loud and piercing it is! ;-)

I've been decluttering for a little over two weeks; thusly, I've been doing a really good Darth Vader imitation for a little over two weeks, trying to get enough oxygen into my body through my damn congested nose - that is, when it's not doing its best Niagara Falls imitation! :-p
I know it's just allergies because, 1) my throat isn't sore...which would indicate post-nasal drip and presage a cold; and, 2) whenever I leave the house for any length of time, my nose clears out, and I can breathe much more like a normal human being.

Help is at hand, however - I found the Breathe Right nasal strips at last!
They might not look like much, but they really work!
We've also got some Chinese herbs en route that are touted to help nasal allergists like myself; I can't wait to get my hands on them! :-D

Side note: OTC drugs and/or prescription drugs are NOT options. My body won't accept them anymore, if they even worked in the first place!!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

At the base of "The Wall"

I hit the wall recently, or rather, brushed up against it.
Not a physical wall, but the metaphoric one - you know, when you're going full-bore and BAM! suddenly you find yourself in a stuck place. Here's where I was sticking:

*I chose a life purpose to "help people"~then I received a ton of messages from the Universe to let other people be. WTF??

*I released many old receipts, recycling many, setting aside many more to shred~and found myself actually depressed afterwards.

*I felt old, familiar resentment towards my mother and her "meddling." Why can't she leave me well enough alone?

Hello, Wall...

The first goes back to the "Lightworker's Ego" I mentioned last time. The partner of one of my dear international Internet friends put it thusly: "...and the problem with spirituality sometimes is that (it) becomes a bit religiony and starts judging where other people are at because they aren't on the same journey."
YES! I see myself in this space. So let this be an opportunity for me to practice Compassion, sending comforting thoughts to those struggling in Shadow, but holding onto Advising unless specifically asked. I put this into my spritual toolbox for future reference.

The second, now, is something rather interesting. I see how much I had invested in these receipts, how much of ME I had put into these piles, these little slips of paper. As I release these papers, I release a part of ME - and I now stop and acknowledge how frightening this is.
Does the snake tremble a little as it sheds its skin?
I can race through my house, decluttering like a madwoman, releasing many material things. But when I think of going through the storage shed outside, in the patio...ah, then I stop in my tracks, and feel my belly contract in anxiety. So when I come to the shed, I must proceed slowly, with great care, and be willing NOT to release if I don't feel ready to release.

And the third...
I live with my mother. It is by mutual choice. She will need a caregiver eventually, and I have agreed to be her caregiver. (I agreed to this before I arrived on this plane.) In return, I am free from worrying about paying for rent, or a mortgage. Most of the time, we get along famously - but we are operating from differing paradigms. I am of a metaphysical bent, and she is not (at least, not nearly as much as me).
Let us say she has a greater need for financial security and stability than I do. Let us also say that we have differing opinions on housekeeping. Her modus operandi is to remind me to do something, or to follow up on what I have said I would do, on a regular basis until I DO IT, whatever it is. I call it "nagging." ;-)
So I needed to return to myself, re-examine my agenda, reassure myself that all was proceeding exactly as it should, and remember that compromise and negotiation are possible...if I vocalize where I am and what I need to do.

Honor my*self, above all else.
The rest will fall into place.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Unsent Letters - and Discoveries

This is one of the spiritual tools I use often:

If there's someone in your past/present you feel very negatively about, you write that person a letter - doesn't have to be on fancy letterhead or with a nice pen. You allow all the words you really want to say to flow through your hand and onto the paper, no censorship, no worries about grammar or spelling. You JUST WRITE, and vent your spleen onto the paper. Then you take the letter and place it into an envelope. You can address the envelope if you wish. Then (and this is the important part) you Destroy the Letter, either by burning it or by ripping it into little pieces. You have spoken your truth and you have let that person go.

I don't remember where I saw this, but I tried it...and it SO works. It gives me a safe place to Speak My Truth and be heard. Then I burn the letters when I am ready to release them, and I can release the toxic emotion that I've been carrying within me. :-D

I found myself needing to write an Unsent Letter to S., my former co-worker. I intended only to write one letter - I wound up writing *four* letters, and only two of them were to (former) co-workers. The other two were for people I needed to speak my truth to in other areas to my life.

Some interesting things came up during and after I wrote those letters:
~I found myself encountering what I call "Light Worker's Ego" - that is, "I know what you can do to improve your life! Why aren't you taking my advise?" I flow with Compassion and want to help, but sometimes I need more Compassion to allow the other people simply to BE.
~I also realized: Just as S. was an excellent mirror of my Shadows, simply by being herself, I can be an excellent mirror to another's Shadows, simply by being my*self.

I'm still sitting with these things...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Chloe's Totem

Perfect example of how the "woo-woo" infiltrates my life... ;-)

I begin by going back to last August, when I found a piece of bamboo while at the beach. Through psychometry (reading an object by holding it in your hand and picking up its vibes), I felt that it came from Thailand, having been dislodged by the tsunami. With it came a story: this bamboo was part of a house where a little girl named Chloe had lived with her father, a fisherman. She crossed over in the tsunami, but her father survived, and was devastated by the loss. She was six years old at the time of her death.

Jump forward a bit to October. I was attending a day-long Goddess workshop and I purchased a few things from one of my fellow attendees. One of them was a seashell cut lengthwise, so that it looks almost like a spinal column. I knew I needed to get it, though I couldn't have told you why at the time.

Now arrive at the present day, last week, in fact:
I was sorting through a few things. I came across the shell and a couple of other objects. I put them in a "manifestation bag." Then, for no real reason, I picked up the piece of bamboo. Put it in the bag, a voice whispered. The moment I stuck my hand into the bag, an image flashed in my mind: the end result. I - no, Chloe and I - were going to co-create a sacred object.
So she guided me in adding things to this piece of bamboo...the shell was glued onto the front, a little purple Goddess figure was glued in the top hole, a shell was glued here, tiny stones glued there, and there, and over there.

As we worked, she told me more of her story: She was half-Thai, half Dutch. Chloe was her Western/Dutch name; her Thai name was Napsam. Her Dutch mother had been deported in 2001; she stayed with her Thai father, the fisherman. She was going to be adopted by an Australian woman on New Years' Day, 2005 - but the tsunami took her before that could happen. (This is where my tears flowed, as I felt the grief of the bereaved parents, one biological, the other adoptive).

We finished the totem in two days.
Last Friday I wrote "Napsam~Chloe" on the back of the bamboo.
February 9th was her birthday. She would have been nine this year.
If I ever get a working scanner again, I'll post a pic of it.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Gentle Shadow

In this clearing out time, I've found something interesting within me: a belief that this is as good as it will get.

This part of me is certain I won't make another penny again, so I should be very careful with what I have. She is certain that I won't ever have a loving partner in my life, so I should sell the condo after mom dies and move into a mobile home so I can continue having a stress-free lifestyle. She knows the Universe will take care of her, as long as she plays it safe, so she is ready to settle down now. I call her the Gentle (Genteel?) Shadow.

I agree with her that right here, right now, I am truly and deeply blessed. Life is good...and it will only get better. What I have her and now is a good starting point. What I have here and now, instead of being the maximum, is only the minimum. From here, I go up - To Infinity, and Beyond!
(thank you buzz lightyear) ;-)

If I get off track, I can come back here and begin anew. But settle? No. Not yet.

btw...oh yes. I live with my mother. That calls for a post unto itself, in the near future...

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Clearing the Patio

I have a small patio where I live. I've been wanting to trim the trees and bushes there for some time. Well, since rain was in the forecast, and since spring hasn't quite begun to regenerate things, today was the perfect day. I planned to stop if the rain started, but it remained clear.

I trimmed the myrtle trees down to a reasonable height. I cut the rosebush down to practically nothing. I removed several branches of the large pepper tree, including bringing down and breaking down a huge branch by myself! I also trimmed the remains of the bouganvillea bush back to very little as well. Some of its branches were so tangled in the branches of the pepper tree, I couldn't get them out. So there they hang, until I can get some help from the next door neighbor.

I say "remains" of the bouganvillea bush because the freezing nights we had this winter (very rare for my part of SoCal) all but killed it. I really don't know if it will recover, but I have my suspicions.

This is the work that my body loves doing. I can do it all day - reaching and stretching, bending and hefting, moving and hauling. I revel in my inherent sturdiness and strength, in the fact that I am truly a Daughter of the Earth.

When I was done, I swept the patio clear, then stopped and admired the fruits of my labor.
It looked bigger, more open...and I can move under the pepper tree now without having to stoop down, lest spiders land in my hair. ;-)

Here's to spending more time in the patio.

Friday, February 9, 2007

The Call

Got a call from my former workplace today.
Apparently, my successor didn't cut the mustard, so they want me back "temporarily."
I can see how easily, and quickly, "temporarily" could turn into "permanently."
I did want to sit with the idea for a while, since they were offering me more money, so I said I'd think about it.
But it's not about the money. Never was; otherwise, I would have left a long time ago.
And if I'd wanted to work there longer, I wouldn't have given notice right after New Year's, eh?

So. My answer is no.
I'll call and tell them nicely.
Then I'll write an "Unsent Letter" and express my true feelings!

Thursday, February 8, 2007

It's only been a week? ;-)

I thought that today.
Funny how time unspools and no longer runs the same way when you get rid of the overarching structures that have kept it in place.

I have become very introverted. After the first weekend, I haven't felt the need to step out and go-see-do. Part of it is the clearing-out of excess stuff, yes...but part of it could be called old-fashioned PMS. This is how I've changed: instead of becoming a ranting and raging bitch, I feel the need to retreat unto my sanctuary and nest, and ponder, perhaps even to create.

Tomorrow, I will be stepping out, though, for my monthly chiropractic adjustment, to mail tax stuff, to fax a fax, and maybe one or two other things. We'll see.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Clearing Out

Yes, a little part of me started to get anxious:
Gee, we're free from the job now - isn't stuff supposed to be happening??
Yeah, and I've only been off for, what, four or five days. Patience, grasshopper!
(silly expectations) ;-)

Actually, it occurred to me this morning what is going on...I'm in a clearing time.
I'm ridding myself of detrius on several levels; the movement on the physical level is simply the easiest to see.
It's not just the cleaning, either. It's also getting rid of stuff that no longer has a use: old videotapes, an old VCR, several CD's, et cetera. As I bring the house into order, I bring my*self into order. Once I've cleared enough away, then I will be able to receive more clearly.

Let me review my expectations come the new moon. Then we'll see...

Sunday, February 4, 2007

first piece

The Philosophical Library is having a grand reopening party towards the end of March.
They're looking for folks to "volunteer to perform, speak, lead a workshop, or do free readings."
They're right up my alley in many ways.

I called the number.
I'm in.
I'll be doing readings and performing (via my channeled singing).
There's no financial compensation, but the exposure will be tremendous...and that's what I'm aiming for, anyway.
The nice gentleman I talked to said if I wanted to bring things to sell with me, such as books or CD's, it would be okay.
I told him I didn't have anything to sell - at this moment.
By the time the event rolls around, I might.

So the first piece of the puzzle falls into place...

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Re-Mixing and Matching

Okay - in truth, my first day of freedom was on the first. So I'm a teeny bit behind, but I'll do some catching up now. ;-)

So, on my first day of freedom...
I cleaned up the kitchen.
See, the toaster wouldn't take my bagel slice properly, so there were crumbs in it. I went to empty it out, but the bottom was loose, and there were more crumbs on the counter than in the toaster. So I had to wipe up the crumbs. Somehow that led to reorganizing the "brawn" drawer on the bottom. (This is where I keep all of my "Tool Time" props.) Then I take all the stuff off of the counter beside the sink and put it back beneath the sink, since our garbage disposal is now fixed. Afterwards, I look over at the other counter, and you know what, I've been meaning to go through that tray of stuff there, why not now? And so on.

I found a lot of duplication at work: many phone cables, picture hangers, tape rools, locks. Address labels that I'll never get around to using, since it takes me a year to get through one side of one sheet. (No, I'm not a dedicated snailer.) And flower pots - why do I have flower pots, when I possess a brown thumb at best?! Fortunately, I have a friend who has a very green thumb; I'll see if she'd be interested in a few flower pots.

Some of the duplication is unnecessary and redundant, so the extra items will make it into my giveaway bag. Other things - well, I'll hang on to them for now. I might need an extra phone cable down the line.

Yesterday was a bit more on track, as I cleaned up my ersatz art studio.
I collage a lot. I have collaging supplies - letters, papers, pens, stickers, etc., and more images cut out of catalogs & magazines than you could shake a glue stick at. All of it neatly arranged in front of the coffee table in the front theory. In practice, not so neat. Threatening to overtake the main room with one good project, in fact.
So I tidied. And tidied. And tidied some more. Wound up reorganizing the whole setup.

I found a treasure buried out of sight: a plate that has a painting of a woman and the words "Dream Big" on it. I won it last year at a convention. I knew it deserved to be in a better spot than the floor of my main room, even if it was technically in my art space. So now it's on the little ledge above and behind the kitchen sink. I find myself smiling at the gentle reminder each time I take something to the sink to be rinsed off.

I will let my impulses guide me on where to tidy up next...

Friday, February 2, 2007

Introduction (part two)

This is the "who" part of the intro, that goes along with the "what"...

I am psychic.
I talk to dead people - or maybe it's more like, dead people talk to me.
I channel information from the Group Consciousness.
I also channel songs.

Not exactly things I can cultivate while working at a synagogue, eh!
(no, i'm not jewish, wasn't born jewish)

These talents of mine have been emerging over the past two years (or so).
Sometimes their expression surprises even me.
They are fundamental parts of my being; their emergence fits into a longer journey I have been on: discovering and expressing my Authenticity.

In reinventing myself, I have found my calling - helping others reinvent themselves. Throwing out the spiritual crap that has accumulated over years, even lifetimes, and moving into Authenticity. Once a person finds Authenticity, the rest falls into place.

Now it's time for me to answer the call, and step up...

Introduction (part one)

For friends old, new, in between and undecided...

You would look at my job and say it was perfect:
Four day work-week. Benefits. Ten minutes away from the beach. (Mostly) Great co-workers. Two sets of holidays (Jewish and American).


It was killing me softly. There was one co-worker - the one I had to answer to, no less - that drove me crazy, no matter what. The work I was doing support me financially, but not spiritually or emotionally. When I tried to make my work pleasureable, or at least bearable, I was met by scorn and derision.

So, I could have given up and toe the line.
Or, I could have yearned for freedom, suffered in silence, and then had the "wake up call" (the big accident or medical incident) that would force me to "change or die."
I chose option number three instead...I created my own change. I left the job, determined to carve out the life I want, on my terms.
In walking away from this job, I am also walking away from an entire line of "muggle" jobs that have been filling time for years.
No more. If and when I return to the working world, it will be something that complements me, rather than something that I fit into.

This is the chronicle of my journey.
I am starting from scratch, in a sense. I have cleaned the slate. I take out my stylus to imprint new things on it.