Monday, February 20, 2017

lessons from hitting "the wall"

Special Black Rose. Source Unknown to Me. (9/15)
Although I talked about my experience with Depression in the past tense in my last post, it's not completely gone. It's no longer ranting and raging in my awareness, but it sits patiently in the corner, waiting for a chance to come forward and do its little destructive dance to distract me from what's going on in the outside world.

At the end of this past week, as I say, I "hit the wall."
Part of it was the inner teenager of my mother triggering my inner teenager, and we growled a bit at each other. Part of it was the numbers in my bank account not flowing the way I wanted them to. There was a third, very important factor that I wasn't taking into account; more on that in a moment. Now, I want to shed a bit of light on my Depression's mad dance in the off chance any of my two dozen (or so) peeps can relate...

First comes the anger - huge anger that borders on total unthinking rage. I don't physically harm myself or anyone else, so don't worry about that; having said that, I want to destroy something. This is why I'm considering taking a boxing class or two, both to vent and also to learn how to throw a punch properly, ya know, in case the Apocalypse really does roll out in the next year or so. ;)

The raging anger starts the Depressive spiral, as my brain locks up on one negative word/concept and comes to a screeching halt (sometimes with actual screeching and screaming for good measure). It takes a while to unlock and begin to process again, but only on a primal level...Eat. Drink Water. Rest. Sleep. That sort of thing.

After some quiet time, the mental and emotional density have filled my head. Then come the tears, often accompanied by keening, along with the Inner Critic screaming its usual litany of put-downs and insults around Being a Failure, Not Being ___ Enough, and so forth. (I wrote more about this in my previous post.) Once I have cried and wailed enough, though, the density empties out, and I can grab on to some Inspirational material to peel myself off of the wall and re-inflate myself. This is what I'm doing more often these days, and I'm able to "rebound" faster. :)

What I didn't realize this time, at least not initially, is that an important Anniversary of the Heart had come up for me - the anniversary of my miscarriage two years ago. I'm not ready to share more on that right now, but I want to note something important: big personal events, especially around the death of a loved one, can create a significant Vortex of energy that can pick you up and toss you all around on the anniversary of that event. This is what happens to me when the calendar arrives at the date of my father's death...for the first ten years after he passed, I went batshit crazy every August 3rd. Once I learned some esoteric techniques, I was able to shift my relationship with that energy Vortex so that I could do some powerful Work with it, instead of having it work me over!

The Vortex around my miscarriage, on the other hand, is not tied to a specific date. It is actually tied to the third Thursday and Friday in February. With this information, I can take some steps to shift my relationship to this Vortex starting next year, and perhaps accomplish some significant Work with this potent energy. In the meantime, I light a candle in her honor and acknowledge the experience, and the Vortex that has formed around it.

(special shout-out to Sarah Ban Breathnach for the phrase, "Anniversary of the Heart.") <3 p="">

Monday, February 13, 2017

finding my words

Signs of Life (@ Home, 2/15)
Ten years ago, February of 2007 to be exact, I started this little blog as an online journal of sorts. For the last two years, the blog has been silent, but not for lack of trying.

Between September 2014 and now, I've written several dozen posts in my head. I've even tried a few times to write a new entry, but they became too much of a litany of woe and bland lists of "things that happened on such-and-so date" each time, and I've abandoned them. Now the energy is finally (YES!) starting to shift, and I'm finding the words to describe what I've been through in the past few years.

The main thing is Depression. Since March of 2014, I've been swimming through its murky waters, with Catfish as my guide. I will tell you - Depression can visit anyone at any time, no matter their social status or occupation, race or religion or gender. There were probably a handful of times when I could have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, had I bothered to go to the doctor. I never got suicidal, but there were plenty of times when I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up, oh, in about ten years. Take me away, Calgon, and let me nap by Rip Van Winkle, ya know?

The Depression arose from huge Anger that had turned in on itself and savaged me regularly. I was constantly seeing myself as an utter failure...not Positive enough to pull out of this fugue state, not Magickal enough to manifest the necessary prosperity, not Devoted enough to pray my way into my Dream Life. Basically, fill in the blank of "Not ___ Enough," and I was feeling it at some point or another. From this perspective, I was the World's Biggest Fraud. No way could I lay claim to being a Priestess, my Spirituality was only skin deep and therefore worthless, and I couldn't work the Law of Attraction to save my life. I was a Failure at being anything concerning "metaphysical" and I might as well give up, take that Blue Pill, and forget everything I had done for the last fifteen (or so) years.

Not. Fun. And there's more...

When I thought I was pulling myself up in 2015, I was dealt a surprise pregnancy followed by a not-so-surprise miscarriage. Just as I thought I was decently recovered from that in 2016, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer (Stage 4, no less!), and I wound up caring for both him and my aging mother. It was like 2014 and 2015 were a rehearsal for 2016, with all of its inherent insanity!

Interestingly enough, it was when the rest of the world seemed to go mad (think early November and you'll get it), I found my way back to my sanity. My anger suddenly had a tangible target it could focus on in creative ways. A door that had remained stubbornly shut opened wide for me, and I heard the directive: This is what you've been waiting for. Go Forward! I have...not super rapidly, but I have.

With the dawning of this year comes some perspective: the past three years were my huge Take-Apart, where everything in my life was energetically broken down and cleared away, so I could start fresh. Think going back to Square One, except on level 1,001. Now that everything has been cleared away, I can tell a new Story for myself, which might incorporate some of the familiar elements, but in radically different ways. Shamanically speaking, I needed to die before I could be reborn, and it was a long and intense death process! I'm very happy to have made it to the rebirthing point!

With my new Story comes a review of my cyberspace Presence. I am starting the blog back up. I have made some revisions, so it's a bit leaner, and I'll be continuing to tweak here and there for a month or two, perhaps. I can say for sure that it won't be another two years before my next entry! I'm thinking weekly or so at the moment, though that might change; if it does, I'll let you know.

It feels good to be back. Here's to new adventures in the New Reality! :)