lessons from hitting "the wall"

Special Black Rose. Source Unknown to Me. (9/15)

Although I talked about my experience with Depression in the past tense in my last post, it's not completely gone. It's no longer ranting and raging in my awareness, but it sits patiently in the corner, waiting for a chance to come forward and do its little destructive dance to distract me from what's going on in the outside world.

At the end of this past week, as I say, I "hit the wall."
Part of it was the inner teenager of my mother triggering my inner teenager, and we growled a bit at each other. Part of it was the numbers in my bank account not flowing the way I wanted them to. There was a third, very important factor that I wasn't taking into account; more on that in a moment. Now, I want to shed a bit of light on my Depression's mad dance in the off chance any of my two dozen (or so) peeps can relate...

First comes the anger - huge anger that borders on total unthinking rage. I don't physically harm myself or anyone else, so don't worry about that; having said that, I want to destroy something. This is why I'm considering taking a boxing class or two, both to vent and also to learn how to throw a punch properly, ya know, in case the Apocalypse really does roll out in the next year or so. ;)

The raging anger starts the Depressive spiral, as my brain locks up on one negative word/concept and comes to a screeching halt (sometimes with actual screeching and screaming for good measure). It takes a while to unlock and begin to process again, but only on a primal level...Eat. Drink Water. Rest. Sleep. That sort of thing.

After some quiet time, the mental and emotional density have filled my head. Then come the tears, often accompanied by keening, along with the Inner Critic screaming its usual litany of put-downs and insults around Being a Failure, Not Being ___ Enough, and so forth. (I wrote more about this in my previous post.) Once I have cried and wailed enough, though, the density empties out, and I can grab on to some Inspirational material to peel myself off of the wall and re-inflate myself. This is what I'm doing more often these days, and I'm able to "rebound" faster. :)

What I didn't realize this time, at least not initially, is that an important Anniversary of the Heart had come up for me - the anniversary of my miscarriage two years ago. I'm not ready to share more on that right now, but I want to note something important: big personal events, especially around the death of a loved one, can create a significant Vortex of energy that can pick you up and toss you all around on the anniversary of that event. This is what happens to me when the calendar arrives at the date of my father's death...for the first ten years after he passed, I went batshit crazy every August 3rd. Once I learned some esoteric techniques, I was able to shift my relationship with that energy Vortex so that I could do some powerful Work with it, instead of having it work me over!

The Vortex around my miscarriage, on the other hand, is not tied to a specific date. It is actually tied to the third Thursday and Friday in February. With this information, I can take some steps to shift my relationship to this Vortex starting next year, and perhaps accomplish some significant Work with this potent energy. In the meantime, I light a candle in her honor and acknowledge the experience, and the Vortex that has formed around it.

(special shout-out to Sarah Ban Breathnach for the phrase, "Anniversary of the Heart.") <3 p="">

finding my words

Signs of Life (@ Home, 2/15)

Ten years ago, February of 2007 to be exact, I started this little blog as an online journal of sorts. For the last two years, the blog has been silent, but not for lack of trying.

Between September 2014 and now, I've written several dozen posts in my head. I've even tried a few times to write a new entry, but they became too much of a litany of woe and bland lists of "things that happened on such-and-so date" each time, and I've abandoned them. Now the energy is finally (YES!) starting to shift, and I'm finding the words to describe what I've been through in the past few years.

The main thing is Depression. Since March of 2014, I've been swimming through its murky waters, with Catfish as my guide. I will tell you - Depression can visit anyone at any time, no matter their social status or occupation, race or religion or gender. There were probably a handful of times when I could have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, had I bothered to go to the doctor. I never got suicidal, but there were plenty of times when I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up, oh, in about ten years. Take me away, Calgon, and let me nap by Rip Van Winkle, ya know?

The Depression arose from huge Anger that had turned in on itself and savaged me regularly. I was constantly seeing myself as an utter failure...not Positive enough to pull out of this fugue state, not Magickal enough to manifest the necessary prosperity, not Devoted enough to pray my way into my Dream Life. Basically, fill in the blank of "Not ___ Enough," and I was feeling it at some point or another. From this perspective, I was the World's Biggest Fraud. No way could I lay claim to being a Priestess, my Spirituality was only skin deep and therefore worthless, and I couldn't work the Law of Attraction to save my life. I was a Failure at being anything concerning "metaphysical" and I might as well give up, take that Blue Pill, and forget everything I had done for the last fifteen (or so) years.

Not. Fun. And there's more...

When I thought I was pulling myself up in 2015, I was dealt a surprise pregnancy followed by a not-so-surprise miscarriage. Just as I thought I was decently recovered from that in 2016, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer (Stage 4, no less!), and I wound up caring for both him and my aging mother. It was like 2014 and 2015 were a rehearsal for 2016, with all of its inherent insanity!

Interestingly enough, it was when the rest of the world seemed to go mad (think early November and you'll get it), I found my way back to my sanity. My anger suddenly had a tangible target it could focus on in creative ways. A door that had remained stubbornly shut opened wide for me, and I heard the directive: This is what you've been waiting for. Go Forward! I have...not super rapidly, but I have.

With the dawning of this year comes some perspective: the past three years were my huge Take-Apart, where everything in my life was energetically broken down and cleared away, so I could start fresh. Think going back to Square One, except on level 1,001. Now that everything has been cleared away, I can tell a new Story for myself, which might incorporate some of the familiar elements, but in radically different ways. Shamanically speaking, I needed to die before I could be reborn, and it was a long and intense death process! I'm very happy to have made it to the rebirthing point!

With my new Story comes a review of my cyberspace Presence. I am starting the blog back up. I have made some revisions, so it's a bit leaner, and I'll be continuing to tweak here and there for a month or two, perhaps. I can say for sure that it won't be another two years before my next entry! I'm thinking weekly or so at the moment, though that might change; if it does, I'll let you know.

It feels good to be back. Here's to new adventures in the New Reality! :)

A Spot of Transparency

Light Through the Clouds (Carlsbad, 8/10)

I've been wanting to write this for a while. I would make plans to sit down and put this out in the world, then the plans would dissolve. I actually managed to start this once, then stopped, because it didn't feel right. Then I wrote a "summary" on Facebook, and it all seemed to gel together. This is taking that summary and expanding it.

Transparency, yes. More of my peers have been engaging in Transparency lately, coming out from behind the veil and sharing more of themselves, ditching their fears of perfection in favor of greater Authenticity. Now I'm taking a turn at this.

2014 has been HARD. I got the idea fairly early on that this was going to be a year of stripping away the bullshit and coming face to face with the lingering Sticky Ego Bits in our Closets of Shadow - and it got personal real quick, starting right around the Spring Equinox. I had to give up one of our cars, a Hyundai Elantra, because it got to the point of diminishing returns (putting more money into the car vs. what it's actually worth). Dealing with the challenges of having one car and two people with a lot of obligations, in an area of the country where everything is a bit scattered and public transportation plays second fiddle to the Almighty Car, was just the beginning. I've lost count of how many times the energies and the shifts have knocked me on my ass this year. Year of the Horse, indeed; the Windhorses are going forward at a mad gallop and not showing any signs of slowing down in the near future! Year of Inner Strength, indeed: I have been pushed to my boundaries, and then beyond them. In the middle of May, during all of the wildfires, I had a moderate mental meltdown and had to step away from my muggle work. My mother's health scare then all but shut me down completely, and I'm just now starting to swim up to the surface, away from the murky bottom.

As much as I would like it to, and as much as I have expected it to at times (if I'm going to be totally honest), being a Shamanic Priestess does not shield me from the Special High Intensity Transformation, but it does allow me to see the gifts...like being removed from the wilder "outer" storms so I could focus more closely on my inner unrest. Like seeing exactly how this demon called Perfection has been messing with every aspect of my life.

Ah yes, Perfection - which wonders snidely why I have to rely on credit cards to cover basic expenses like gas and groceries when I should be using the Law of Attraction to get massive amounts of prosperity in my life. It chides me for gaining back Every Single Pound of weight I had released prior to meeting my husband. It suggests that I have to everything for everyone because no one else has their shit together enough to get things done the way they're "supposed" to be done, and only I know how things "should" be done. It whispers that my husband is going to leave me because we're not on the same level sexually and he's going to want to be with a woman who is more encouraging in bed. It insists that I will fail in my heart-centered business because "You have to have everything in your life in perfect order. Your house is a mess, you never get anything done, and you break all of your promises. Who's going to follow a Fuck-Up like YOU?"

So often, we are our own worst critics. That's why I had a meltdown so I could Melt Down all of the myths and untruths rooted in Old Reality and still hiding in the Shadows. That's why I broke myself wider open so I could bring both halves of my brain into greater balance, and synch it up with my own HeartWisdom. That's why opportunities to reach out and ask for Support where and when I need it have appeared before me. That's why I've given myself Permission to create a whole new Structure in my life that accommodates the "Me" that I still am, even within the structure of the "We" I am building with my husband.

There have been breathers during the chaos, which have allowed me to Micro-Move my way forward in the chaos... I created a Facebook page for my Shamanic Priestess brand/aspect. I have become a regular reader at the Philosophical Library and have Juju Bundles on sale there. Yay Me!
There's So Much More I want to do, but I realize: all in the fullness of time.

I still have a reading I did from SARK's "Ask Jupiter" oracle many moons ago; it's on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror: Your path is clear: Surrender and Proceed as the Way Opens.
Though it may be with much kicking and screaming at times, I am continuing to Surrender, and continuing to Micro-Move my way ahead as the fog continues to lift, and the Windhorses storm their way through the canyons of my mind.

Navigating my way through the Dim

Pretty things in the Dim. (Del Mar, 7/13)

Let me be entirely frank: This period of time from the Spring Equinox to the Summer Solstice has been a right BITCH! Between Grand Cardinal Crosses, solar flares, and Mercury Retrograde, I have seen the stuck points of my Shadow, indeed - and I'm totally Over It All.

When I last posted in April, I thought I was at the end of the rough patches. Newp...turns out it was just a breather. At work, it would get better, then worse, then better, then worse. Then we had a firebug or two try to set the whole of northern San Diego County on fire, which led to the evacuation of my workplace. I was just about a basket case when I got home that day.  I knew I had to make a Radical Change, and Quickly. So I left the muggle job in May. Okay, maybe NOW I can breathe, I thought...

...until the other shoe dropped when my mother's doctor called a week later, saying her blood tests showed she was on the verge of kidney failure. Suddenly her mortality smacked me hard in the face - and all of my knowledge of reincarnation and life after death could not even begin to comfort the little girl who suddenly realized she would, sooner or later, lose her mommy, just as she had lost her daddy. I had a total meltdown the last weekend of May.

The month of June has been about sorting through all the pieces of my*self and figuring out what will stay, and what will go. Slowly, steadily, I've been pulling myself back together. Slowly, steadily, I have seen the extent of my Stuckness: that part of me that is terrified of growing and succeeding because she knows her identity, her essence, will be destroyed in the process. She. Does. Not. Want. To. Change. Period. Slowly, steadily, the path forward and THROUGH this obstacle has been revealed to me, with a little help from my sister-friends. :-)

In the middle of all this, there have been tiny steps of growth and of change...and they look really promising! I have put down roots at the Philosophical Library as a reader and an energy worker. I have also formulated some specially aligned Juju Bundles for anyone to use and they are now (insert trumpeting) On Sale at the Library! As Mercury goes direct in July, I'll see what I can do to build on this success. Dear Husband has been providing many ideas and "What If..." snippets for me to sit with.


Heeeere's Juju! :-) (Escondido, 6/14)
 

I'll be all right. My primary Matron, after all, is Bast - the Cat Goddess who always lands on Her feet! ;-)

Back in...Turquoise!

Here comes the sun... (Naples, FL)

Perhaps the energies swirling about have driven me a wee bit crazy. Perhaps I'm finally loosening up and not taking everything SO seriously. Whatever, I'm finally back and posting here, and it feels Really Good. :-)

Talk about your Special High Intensity Transformation processes - holy shishkebab! My muggle job has gone from tolerable to crazy to full on Insane! Such is life when you transfer operating systems and discover the process is like one extended Tetris game! I have been pushed to my limits...and then seen my limits pushed out further than I could have imagined. As my capacities for endurance have increased, so has my discernment. What I could tolerate in the past is often rather unacceptable now, and solutions need to be devised sooner rather than later, thank you very much!

To add to the Tricksters' frolicking, my old computer became infected by a rather pernicious spambot that would pop up umpteen ads on my screen whenever I visited a website, any website. I was basically unable to do anything on the old comp. Himself and I have come up with a solution; sometime in the near future, I'll be transferring all of my pics and docs from the old comp to a "new" one. Then I'll be completely back in business once more.

In the meantime, I'm finding my way back to my key sites, like this one, and starting to do some long-need updates. Progress might not be coming as quickly or on as grand a scale as I initially expected, but I'm getting where I want to be...one step at a time.

I thought once I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but it turned out to be a train coming headlong at me! Fortunately, I managed to jump out of the way in time. Now I see sun rising once more...and I say, "It's All Right." ;-)

Seven years on...

It's about that time again... (@ Home, 2011)

The blog is seven years old this month.
Wow. :-o

I remember why I created the blog...
Seven years ago, I responded to the whispers in my heart with a YES.
I wanted to take the gifts I had discovered, and was discovering, and share them with the world.
I wanted to move from being "just" a Wiccan priestess with a love for shamanic techniques into being a Priestess of the World, using my gifts to help others heal, and grow, and reclaim their own Authentic Power.
I wanted to document the journey more-or-less publicly as I did so, partly for Accountability, mainly because I'm a Storyteller and this would make a rockin' good story, yes? Thus, I began to Dance in ze Sky.

Seven years on, and where am I now?
I thought I had it going on, moving slowly but steadily toward my goals.
Come 2011, specifically November 11th, 2011, things took a radical turn off the road - literally, as I found myself tromping around in the desert just outside of Las Vegas helping to look for my lost car key! I never did find that key, but I had some new ones made, and it's all good now.
I'm calling it a detour, slightly more than two years in length, moving through the Dragon year of 2012 and the Snake Year of 2013 on a crazy roller-coaster style ride. I've been squeezed, squozed, poked, prodded, place in the heart of the Fire and tossed into the quenching Water as I've journeyed along the path of Special High Intensity Transformation!
In this space of breathing and considering, I see that ALL of this has been necessary - for along the way I note that I have released every last bit of Stuck Ego within me, every last thought of Playing Small, lest I rock the boat too much. Is it any wonder I wanted to call a do-over at the end of January/start of February and just stay in bed and REST for a week or two? (LOL)

I find myself in something of Chrysalis mode right now, observing and resting and taking inventory of what still remains for me, post-Shifting of Shape. Pardon me a moment while I take full advantage of some clichés - for it's back to basics right now, and I've gotten the message starting over with a clean slate several times in the last few weeks. So, basically...I have no Big Picture right now, but I DO have a few nibbles I'm going to be following up on in the near future. :-)

In the meantime, there's a hint of the fragrance of night-blooming jasmine in the air, roughly a month early. See, while many of my friends are enduring the Winter that Just Won't End, those of us in Cali (especially SoCal!) just finished experiencing the Winter that Wasn't. Lots of warm desert winds, combined with a ridge of high pressure that just won't quit, have dried us out and kept us dry for most of the season most everyone else knows as Winter. I'm already hearing the hummingbirds beginning their courting dives as we ease into the Spring (yes, it's Spring, even if it doesn't really feel like it in your neck of the woods!) I'm also enjoying my first real Valentine's day as part of a couple, with my boo-bear, Jonathan. This has meant lots of flowers, a modestly-sized Teddy Bear, dinner in Old Town, and a lot of rampant snoggery! That's all I'm gonna say about that... ;-)

As I move along my new path in the New Reality, I'll try and see about blogging a bit more about the Journey, so stay tuned, loyal peeps! In this Horse Year, I feel the best is truly yet to come...

*Victoria~Retrograde*

West Coast Butterfly Maiden (@ Home, 7/13

First, a wee bit of explanation...
In the movement of the planets through the heavens, a planet is considered to be "retrograde" if it seems to be moving backwards in respect to the motion of the other planets. When it's moving forward again with the other planets, it is said to have gone "direct." This is very helpful in various astrological forecasts if you're trying to figure out why the sam-hill your computer has frozen a dozen times today, or if you're love-life suddenly smells like an egg salad left a wee too long in the sun, or some other little quirk.

I provide the explanation because I feel like I've finally going direct after a personal retrograde phase that stretched from just after last year's dynamic Winter Solstice to this year's (not quite so dynamic) Autumn Equinox. Finally, I feel like I can move forward again without my efforts turning to dust after a few steps!

Being that Bear Medicine runs strong within me, I can see this is really the start of a conclusion to a major two-year cycle of shapeshifting for me. It began on 11/11/11, and the Eye of the Needle initiations which I've written about before. To sum: layers and layers of stuck ego and clogged Shadow were stripped out of me as I felt like I was passing through increasingly-smaller "needle-eyes," which I now suspect were really energetic portals. I thought that once the Transitional period reached its conclusion at last year's Winter Solstice, I would be in the clear and ready to Go Forth and Heal Everyone!
HAHAHAHA! No.

Instead - I entered what I shall call the Time of Tempering, where I was shaped in Fire, then quenched in Water, back into the Fire, once more to the Water, again and again and again. Special High Intensity Transformation writ Large in my life; External Change this year to complement the Internal Change I underwent last year.
Much of the external change came at my muggle job, with a near-total overhaul at the upper levels. What WAS at the start of the year is no longer here and what now IS is still emerging, slowly, gently. I helped to hold the space as my workplace went though a death cycle; I am continuing to hold the space as the rebirthing micro-moves its way forward. As much as I have kvetched about my muggle job to certain parties IRL, it has been THE main thing keeping me centered and grounded in This Reality as I've gone through some of the most intense parts of my shapeshifting and transmuting, since I'd be probably be hanging out around Neptune by now if I didn't have the responsibility to suit up, show up, and Lead the Troops!
A lot of the external change, if I'm going to be totally honest about it, has also stemmed from the simple fact that I'm no longer "single." ME has become WE, and I'm still sifting and sorting through that. There are days when I have very much missed just going out somewhere, by myself, or quietly staying at home, by myself, and interacting with my environs as simply ME. It's been a bit more than a year, and my new partner*ship is definitely a work still in process!
Having said the above, would I go back to being just ME? Oh-Hell-No! Being part of a WE has brought me stability and security in deep places that longed to feel stability and security. Being part of a WE has probably saved my sanity and kept me from going completely out of synch with Reality!


Out of synch. Yes.
I felt very out of synch between the equinoxes, when my work schedule was shifted. My Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays were free, and I was working Wednesday through Saturday. The only problem was, many of my friends' get-togethers were scheduled on Fridays and Saturdays! Many times in those six months (or so), I felt very isolated and cut off from the Flow of Life. Fortunately, my work schedule has changed back, and I'm happy as a clam as I feel the possibilities to commune opening up for me once more! 
There was a gift in the "isolation" experience, though: I really got to know my Core Shadows and what was causing Resistance within me. I tracked the sticky bits of Resistance back to three main sources...
~There were times when I really embodied the Over-Giving Mother. I would feel totally drained, and would become really pissy and resentful if I was asked to do One More Thing, for anyone. (Can we say Delegation! I'm still in the process of learning that lesson, now that I'm part of a WE.)
~I realized that a part of me regarded going back to a muggle job (to start off 2012) as the ultimate act of giving up, and had chosen to shut down and withdraw into herself. "Fine!" she yelled, pouting, "I'll just stay in her until (my) Mom dies! Then maybe I'll come out and play!" Basically, I'll-be-able-to-fulfill-my-dreams-when-my-mother-dies had taken the place of -when-I-move-to-Asheville (North Carolina). My Inner Dragon didn't like hearing that. I called bullshit! immediately on myself. What sort of piss-poor excuse is THAT! she roared. I AM sharing my magick, no matter what!

~Several times I hit Deep Fear of Retribution, and Punishment, and Pain. Several times my newly amped empathic awareness would see something horrid on TV/in a magazine or a newspaper, and I would have to disengage immediately. A few times I would be in front of a mirror in the middle of the night and not want to turn on the light, because I Did Not Want to See the Horror of My Reflection. These were sure signs that I was doing some major Trans-Personal work - in my case, embodying and transmuting the energies inherent in the Collective Feminine Wounding. (Somewhere along the line, I have become a Master Grounder, Anchor, and Space-Holder. All righty then!)
These are the times when I regard the Goddess and wonder aloud, "Do you think you could have warned me?" Always the response comes, "Would you have done the Work if you had known?" Probably not...so I don't get warned, and I'm not the only one.


The key to bypassing the obstacles, for me, is Awareness. I basically distilled the first two obstacles and came up with this wee character flaw: Sometimes, I am a Selfish Diva who believes herself to be the Center of the Universe - and who gets mighty pissy when she is Proven Wrong! If I'm feeling hesitant or cranky, I can just say, ah, Diva Moment! and realize I'm getting stuck, and unstick myself. If I have an outsized reaction to something rather minor, I can similarly think to myself, ah, Trans-Personal Shift! and tune in to what needs to be moved through/out of my system.

I am also choosing to invest some time and money into myself and my Work. Pre-Transition, I had a fairly clear idea of what the Work looked like and what I was going to be doing in the Work. Now that the stuck-ego bits have been cleared out (in the main), I need to go back to the beginning and figure out the Work again. What will it look like? What will I be doing to fulfill it? What is my Voice saying this time to lead the way? This is where my focus will be during the Winter months, as I begin anew in the New Reality.
I have a feeling that I'll be going direct big-time pretty soon... :-)

Micromoving in the New Reality

The Tricksters have been having fun with me! (Poway, 10/12)

 So I'm down to posting just before the big Equinox or Solstice, eh? LOL. Maybe I'll work on that...

Every single Gods-blessed time I think I get how much has changed, or how much has been swept away in this place I'm calling the New Reality, I get another reminder and I'm gobsmacked all over again.

I saw how I wrote last time that I was putting the Priestess aside momentarily, "just for now." Well, not quite.
What I later realized was that my Inner Creative had fired my Inner CEO and sacked the whole Sacred Employment team!
Yup, I was done. I had renounced that part of my calling. I was quite content to just let the whole world flail away and I was going to retire into my Artist's Cave with my mom and my husband (to be) and whichever cats wanted to join us and just create for myself, maybe sell an object or two here and there.
Then came the Scorpio full moon and the bombing in Boston and the hysterical response amongst my Lightworker soul-siblings - and the Dragon Within woke up and ROARED at the masses: What the Sam-Hill are y'all doing messing around in the Old Reality that is dissolving Anyway?!?
(okay, this is the somewhat paraphrased version. The original version had a few f-bombs and a few f-bomb-related words in it.)
So, yah, the Priestess is back. The Priestess is watching everything that is unfolding in the world, and is totally not surprised by what is being revealed (hasn't anyone else ever read any science-fiction? HELLO!) because everything that has been built in the age of Power-Over Domination is coming crashing down! The Priestess is mainly annoyed, and sometimes outright pissed, at how much energy is still being poured in all of these Old Reality constructs where there's a whole bunch of New Reality waiting and needing to be (co-) created! Forget about thinking outside the box; it's time to think about spheres and drop-kick the boxes back into the last millennium! However, I will choose to expound on this train of thought on my other blog.

Yes, about that New Reality waiting and needing to be co-created...it's been a most interesting 2013, so far. I will take a step or two in what I think is going to be a good direction - and the path dissolves, and I don't (can't?) go any farther forward. At first I thought it was because my energies had been too scattered by all of the work I've been putting in to my muggle job (a year as a supervising operator - wow!) to gather myself together. A few personal rituals disproved that hypothesis, though; I can still get the mojo working when I need to. Then I saw that it was the Reality I was in that is not quite solid enough for me to do the Work that is needful, post-Transition. Like a lake where the ice is forming, but not entirely ready to have folks skating atop it - this was the image I was shown. So I asked the question: what can I do to help "solidify" the New Reality a bit more, besides continuing to be the bridge between the worlds?
Focus Your Intentions, came one answer. Examine Your Boundaries, came another. Use the Knowledge You Have Within, came a third.
It's up to me to set up the times of Ceremony and Stillness that I need to nurture myself. It's up to me to examine my "yes" and "no" responses and deploy them wisely. It's up to me to listen to the soft voice within and act accordingly...and the rest will fall into place, and the ice upon the lake will solidify.
The soft voice within is an excellent guide, especially since I'm starting practically from scratch in certain respects. Old ceremonies aren't coming together, so I allow myself to be guided in fashioning new ones. I am also reassembling Sacred Space in my room; as Jonathan is now part of the casita, the bedrooms were switched around, and order is still arising from chaos! (Well, when you have two night owls working and trying to remake a home, it can take a while, eh!) ;-)

Yah, there's a bit of what's up in my neck of the woods at the moment...

Beginning to Hear the New Rhythms

Blooming in Beauty. (@ Home, 1/12)

I am happily enjoying the first Post-Transition spring season, as Days of Beauty unfold around me. The image above seems to exemplify what is going on in my life now...

My Winter was bracketed with some physical adjustments: a bout of the Creeping Crud at the start of the season, and a bout at the end of the season. In between coughing and sneezing and blowing snot out of my nose by the gallon (so it seemed both times!), the remainder of the Old Reality left my system.
I come from a family of fundamentalists; they who see "only one way" to walk through life, and if you're not walking the path that they are, well, it doesn't matter what you do or how you do it, it's "all wrong" because it's not "their" way. Even after all of the shapeshifting I did in 2012 - on top of everything that has changed in my life since I began to walk the Path of Spirit in 1998 - the fundamentalism was still there...and I didn't like it. I asked for it to be removed from me, and the illnesses that I experienced, I believe, did just that.

A funny thing happened with that removal process: I lost my life-purpose.
Especially toward the end of 2012, I felt a sense of urgency in my life, to get Information out into the world "right now," or it would be "too late." Anything that got in the way of doing that (like my muggle job) would contribute to my time anxiety, especially after I detached from moving in linear time pretty well completely! After the Winter Solstice, and the conclusion of the Time of Transition, the urgency was gone - and so was the need to get Information out into the world!
It didn't occur to me until recently...the urgency was attached to a need to get out and "fix" everyone by unsticking them from their Shadows. I saw the world as broken and I needed to save it; if that's not a fundamentalist ideal, I don't know what is! When I released the Old Reality within me, I released the need to save the world by fixing everyone...and now there's a lot of Empty Space within me. This is a Very Good Thing. :-)

In losing my life-purpose, I was able to start reconnecting to my soul-purpose: To Create and Share My Creations.
I've known my soul purpose all along, but it got shoved to the back of my mind while my book, my teaching/ceremonial circles, my muggle job, and my juicy new relationship all jostled for the top spot on my to-be-and-do list. Many rigid boundaries I had been holding onto were also dissolved in the massive amount of shapeshifting I went through last year, particularly between the Summer and Winter Solstices. I arrived in the Springtime way more amorphous and open than I have been in the past - and the still soft voices have been easier to hear.
I want to Create. I want to get my Craft on. I want to make things with my hands. I can hear my inside child knocking on the door of my mind, wanting to know if she can come in and play. PLAY! I could use a lot more Play in my life, since I still have the nasty habit of taking things Way Too Seriously. (It's a Puritanical thing. I'm working on clearing that out next.)

I'm not releasing the Priestess part of me forever - you know, She Who Will Heal the World with Her Magick. She is stepping aside to take a break. Many people are being dragged kicking and screaming into the New Reality right now, and very few are wanting to hear advice on how to proceed. Fewer still are willing to act upon said advice. When the time is right, the Priestess will resurface...in the meantime, I will be in my little casita in the West, wielding my hot glue gun and making funky-cool objects d'art, my Beloved by my side and my posse of cats at my door.

Oh yes, ze kitties - I currently entertain a crew of four part-time cats who drop by for the apparently superior munchies we dole out. One of these four cats may become the next full time cat. I'll update that part of my story once I actually get some pix of the kittehs, then actually upload them onto my computer!

I am moving out the In-Between phase and finally starting to hear the New Rhythms. Soon I shall be moving to them. In the meantime, the Divine scent of Jasmine is filling the air... :-)

Sweet Perfume (@ Home, 3/10)

...and I return...

Most interesting cloud formation. (Joshua Tree, 12/12)

Funny what happens when you start living outside of linear time - concepts like days, weeks, and even months cease to have meaning...and suddenly you find yourself in a completely new era, the old one having been left behind in an amazing shifting of shape! I come back to my personal blog and pick up the threads of narrative once more, intending not to have such a large gap between entries next time. ;-)

Rather than devote an entry to each month, I'm going to summarize the final months of 2012 in a single swoop, bringing The Year of the Unexpected to a graceful conclusion...

September was represented by Zhi-Nu, the Weaving Woman of Heaven. Her message was: Let the stars inspire you. Find an original way to surmount an obstacle. For me, the "original way" was to step out of my normal reaction to life's challenges - resistance - and embrace a new reaction - acceptance. Everything began to work for me. Granted, not all of the situations I found myself in were agreeable, or even enjoyable, but by taking situations as they came, and seeing what I could get out of each situation, a certain grace entered my life, and suddenly the challenges didn't seem to be such large pains in my tuchis. Of course, having someone sharing the journey with me helped quite a bit... :-)

Happy Couple. (San Diego, 9/12)

October was represented by Anuket, The Embracer. Your life will overflow with blessings was her message; considering this was my natal month, I was ready and willing to receive all the blessings the Universe saw fit to send my way! They included an awesome weekend in Poway with my (new) sister VisionKeepers, and this yummy gluten-free birthday cake my beloved gifted me with:

A cake fit for a Goddess (@ Home, 10/16)

November's Goddess was, appropriately enough, was Lalita, the Amorous. Love is a playful act to take joy in, She assured me. Love was one of the things I took joy in, when I could. It was a busy month and it was a month of Gratitude as well, even when some of the changes that unfolded before me weren't the most pleasant ones. I engaged in some very intense purging, along with receiving the lessons that the "creeping crud" gave to me and I continued the process of releasing Old Reality that had begun in October. Through the fierce and the felicitous, Jonathan was there every step of the way, loving me and holding space for me when I most needed it.

Ascending the Ladder. (San Diego, 10/12)

December, the final pivotal month of 2012, was represented by Hathor, The Golden One. She advised: Prosperity awaits you. Look for examples of it in action. I didn't have to look very far; between my job situation and a lovely pre-Yule ceremony, I found prosperity active and very present in my life. To ensure future prosperity, and to allow the new patters to begin unfolding in my life, I made a bold choice: I invited Jonathan to move in with me. My mother not only approves, she was the one who insisted that he move in, as his assistance proved very timely after a nasty fall she took towards the end of last month.

Bidding 2012 adieu. (Joshua Tree 12/12)

The new patterns are settling into place this month, as the shifting of rooms and the shifting of energies progress slowly but steadily. Perhaps I shall speak a bit more about 2012 later, as Winter comes to a close and Spring begins to bloom. In the meantime, I hope this helps bring my cyberspace peeps up to speed... :-)

in between the rhythms

Woodpecker - Keeper of Rhythm (Kit Carson Park, 1/12)

Woodpecker has been accompanying me through 2012, starting a bit before January, with the opening of the Diamond Year on 11/11/11. When you hear the tok-tok-tok! on a tree and look up and see no less than three woodpeckers in an inverted triangle above your head, you know the rhythms of your life are going to change, Big Time. Yes they have, Big Time.

I had to leave my muggle job at the answering service in 2010 because the changing of the rhythms (at work, at home, in my life) was becoming too intense even for me to handle. For nearly two years, I floated along, in a sense, as I moved out of one set of rhythms (the "old" reality) and into a new set of rhythms (the "new" reality). The shifting of rhythms increased in tempo last November as I began my initiation and shed my old skins. Winter Solstice: power*full. Spring Equinox: intense. Summer Solstice: BOTH! I'm still amazed I made it through June and emerged relatively coherent!

Now I am arriving at the midpoint of Autumn, the Fall Equinox, very much aware of how much my rhythms have changed. What was once full in my life is now emptied; what was empty in my life has been filled. My rhythms these days are very simple: Work. Rest. Love. Rest. It hit me recently how simple my life, my rhythms, had now become. Where I would have cringed and railed and resisted this simplicity once upon a time - because of how different my desired world was from my real world - now I am seeing that this is but a moment in the Greater Shift of Rhythm. This, too, shall pass, and is passing.

I have a pair of Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance cards on my altar. The one for the Autumn season that I chose/was chosen for me is Kali - the Great Changer Her*Self! She is not quite as fierce in Doreen's deck as She is elsewhere, but Her message in this iteration is no less profound than anywhere else: The Old must be released so the New can enter. (She represents Endings and Beginnings in the deck.)

The Old must be released so the New can enter. I'm really feeling that right now...the woman writing this blog entry is SO completely different than the woman who started 2012! A little time, a little perspective, and I can see, now, what I took to be "blocks" or "obstacles" were really place-holders to delay me just a wee teeny bit so my True Destiny could be realized, in the form of my Beloved.

Sharing Rhythms (near Irvine, CA 9/12)

It's one thing to feel yourself shifting from one reality to another. It's another thing to observe the details of your New Reality taking shape around you, coalescing from the Void into solid forms and structures. Two years after my "anchoring" into the New Reality, I see it beginning to take substance around me. Outlines of these details are becoming more tangible, more real, in my life. Should I doubt or second-guess the process - which still happens, trust me! - I hear the chirrrrr! chirrrrr! chirrrrr! of the woodpecker at the top of a nearby tree, and I remember: oh yes. The new rhythms are becoming noticeable in the ground under my feet, in the whispering of the wind blowing past me, in the sight of the lightning dancing in the clouds. I just need to abide, and watch, and move gently, and love fully, and be loved fully. It was never a time to force; it's always been a time to allow...allowing the Great Unfolding.

My harvest from this unfolding has been a good one so far... :-)

August: Mut - Mother of Mothers

I have waited a lifetime to bloom. (@ Home, 8/12)

Mut...was honored (in Egypt) as the mother of mothers, since it was believed the cosmos sprang from Her. (She) was usually depicted as a vulture or in the form of a woman's body with a vulture's head...

~from the Goddess Inspiration Oracle guide~

It is no accident that this aspect of the Goddess came up for me in this time, for two reasons - first, I prayed a lot to "Mother Vulture" during the more intensive parts of my Eye of the Needle initiation, asking her to pick my bones clean of whatever garbage and detrius was remaining in my body and my spirit. (I have a dear sister at the Goddess Temple to thank for introducing me to this particular totem animal in the first place; she knows who she is.) Second, I entered August very much in need of some deep nurturing and mothering...though my body was feeling much better, my spirit was still raw and ragged 'round the edges. On the anniversary of my father's death, I found that nurturing, in the last place I expected to find it - in a man's gentle, adoring embrace.

Those of you who know me, online and IRL, know that although I am bisexual, haven't had a whole lot of experience in the game of love, with either gender. What you might not have known is that I've been a very lonely lone wolf as a result. Many times I found myself "outside looking in" at other couples in their relationships. Many times I've been able to keep my head above the raging waters, but have been desperately looking for some solid footing beneath the surface. And one of my greatest fears was that I would die alone, unloved, because the Path of Spirit I walked was too "woo-woo" for anyone else to understand, much less to walk with me.

I have been proven happily wrong. :-)

At the end of April, I stood in the middle of a circle of soul-siblings and declared that I was over being a single woman. "I want my Beloved, and I want my Beloved NOW!" I shouted, tears streaming down my face.

Thirty-three days later, Love came walking in the door I had left open, but unattended.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my Beloved, Jonathan.

"Namaste." (La Mesa, 6/12)

I actually met him in June, just before I plunged headlong into Hekate's crucible to burn away the last of the dross in the final Big Push through the Needle's Eye. Choice and circumstance kept us at arm's length for a time, but I made the choice to be with him for a long weekend at the beginning of August. The fireworks are still going off. :-)
Those empty spaces that were hidden deep in the core of my being are now filled. I have found my sure footing beneath the surface and can flow much more easily with the current. I find myself opening up and calming down because of the love I am sharing with this man. The small stuff has become truly that - small stuff - that I'm no longer sweating. I am teacher and I am student; I am lover and I am loved...and I won't be lacking in rose petals for quite a while! ;-)
In entering this new and exciting co-creation, I have put other things on the back burner for the time being - namely, the growth of my Shamanic practice as a self-sustaining business. I am not hurting for money, though; I am well compensated as a "Supervisory Priestess" in my muggle job at the answering service. I am also getting little opportunities here and there to keep my shamanic skills honed. All the pieces of the puzzle are still there, abiding in the box I have put them in, simply waiting until everything has settled back into place before I take them out and assemble them into the configuration they belong in.

"Me" is now "We." (San Diego, 8/12)

The greatest miracle I am receiving is the gift of Changing-in-Place: at the beginning of the year, I believed that I would have to move across the country before I could be truly Authentic and truly Do What I Love. Now that I have met my Beloved, I am seeing the path form before me, step by step...and I'm not going to be leaving the state of California in order for it to happen; in fact, my stomping grounds will be relocating only slightly. I am receiving SO much Abundance in my life - I feel truly Blessed for the first time. Ever.
YES, all the Hard Work is Worth It! :-D

July: Haltia - Goddess of the Home

Every house should have a World Tree, yes? (Gerton, NC 4/12)

 Haltia was believed to rule over houses among the Baltic Finns. This benevolent Goddess was considered an integral part of the actual structure of the home, bringing good luck to its inhabitants. She also acted as a guardian to the occupants of the house She had chosen to bless. 

(from the Goddess Inspiration Oracle guide)

Haltia's message on the card is, "Create harmony in your home. Then good luck will visit." This I chose to take on a fundamental level, as my ultimate home is my body. Yes, I was inspired to do a bit more decluttering last month, and will probably do some more decluttering in the months ahead, but I really needed to recenter my focus on my*self.

If there was a finish line at the end of June, I would have stumbled, if not crawled, across it. After being under Hekate's intense guidance for that entire month, I staggered my way into July completely exhausted. I survived my supervisory training, Goddess be praised, and I was adjusting to life without Princess Joey being beside me in material form. (Completely different story on the astral; her spirit is definitely here.) The only thing I really wanted to do, though, when I wasn't at work, was sleep...and work, though much easier as I settled into a regular schedule, was still not the freshest bed of roses.

I checked with myself and remembered when I had felt similarly before, several years ago. My chiropractor at the time did a quick muscle test and had diagnosed me with adrenal fatigue. (See, each kidney has a gland atop it that it wears like a little hat. This is the adrenal gland and it pumps out the familiar adrenaline. If it's on overdrive for very long periods of time, eventually it cries out, "No more!" and you feel exhausted all the time.) I did a muscle test on myself and...yup. Adrenal fatigue redux! So not only did I get the herbs that help with adrenal fatigue, I also read up on the acupressure points to use, and found that rose quartz, pressed into the reflexology points for the kidneys, works really well. That restored the physical harmony.

Emotionally, however, was a different story. It took a near-meltdown at work for me to realize, hey, I'm still emotionally shot! So I pulled back a bit, entering into fallow time, promising myself that I would be ambitious - later. Now was a time for me to rest. Resting at Glen Ivy was right lovely. :-) 

I also felt the need to have a retreat for myself, where I could get out of the routines of my life for a time and just be free-floating through the world. I plotted and planned - and then the Universe gave me an excellent opportunity. I had recently met someone new, who invited me to come and stay for a few days. So I took him up on the offer...and my life has pivoted in a new direction.

(The story is unfolding on Facebook; the summary is actually on my website now.)

June: Hekate - The Dark One

(wee notification: I am going to speak frankly about life passages and emotional states that may be very triggering for some. Feel free to read with discretion, or skip over altogether.)

Through the "Rebirth Canal" (Encinitas, 9/09)

At the beginning of this year, thanks to a suggestion from the lovely Leonie, I pulled a dozen cards from my Goddess Inspiration Oracle Deck to get an idea of what 2012 will hold for me. Hekate landed in June. I took one look at Her and thought to myself, Hm. Significant changes that month.

Can we say Understatement of the YEAR!

If April was about fully feeling the Loneliness, and May was about fully feeling the Blocks, in June I came to feel the Central Shadow at the core of all of my Shadows, the one Fatal Flaw that "doomed me to fail" in this lifetime: I was Too Negative.
As the story went, I was too sarcastic, too snarky, too scared to make the leap of faith - too damn comfortable and stuck in my sorry farce of a life to make any meaningful changes. All the positivity in the world turned to poison in my hands, for all I could see was how great and wonderful and miraculous everyone else was doing...but I was not doing that, because I couldn't find the Way Out. My pathetic little attempts to make Big Changes always fell flat, or just short, or were entirely stillborn. The shiny happy life I desired was there, but Just Out of My Reach - and there it would stay, forever.

Nasty little illusion, eh?

I knew it was an illusion, YET it kept getting stronger, more pervasive, and denser in my being. The fog got thicker and thicker as the moon waned from fullness into darkness.

To add to the growing despair, my familiar-cat, Princess Joey, was having greater and greater challenges just staying alive. Her movement slowed way down, and one could see that she was in great pain and discomfort. She quit jumping altogether. She drank a lot, and peed a lot - but was no longer making it into the litterbox. She would only eat two or three bites at a time. It became very apparent that this was her last life, and it was coming to an end. After a great deal of soul-searching and conferring, mom and I chose to help her over the Rainbow Bridge back to the Unseen World. With the assistance of a very compassionate veterinarian and her equally compassionate assistant, Joey shuffled off her mortal coil at the ripe old age of seventeen, just. In people years, she was 110. Ah, what a rich full life! what an utterly spoiled life too! ;-)

Vaya Con Diosa, Mi Amorcita. (@Home, 5/12)

Now, here's the wild-strange-miraculous part...
I said the majority of my goodbyes the night before she passed.
As that Friday became Saturday, I woke up in total bleakness and all-out despair. I was convinced that I was an utter failure at life and living, that there was no way for my dreams to become Real. I was convinced that I was stuck in this farce of a life forever - and I made a choice. I was going to drop offline completely, deleting all of my accounts and profiles. I was going to call my work when the alarm went off and quit my job. I was going to go into my room and wait, until death came for me, or the doctors came for me, to put me in the little windowless room. I entered into a state of Absolute Surrender; I even said three times, within myself, I am done. I Am Done. I AM DONE.

...and then Light filled up my brain.
...and then I took a deep breath.
...and then I wondered, have I done a soul exchange? Is this still me? Quick, test the memories!
All the memories were there. I knew it was still me when I realized I still loved hammerhead sharks. ;-)
In one swift stroke, I shed the skin of Negativity and all the characters stuck in that Negativity. In the space between heartbeats, I passed through the tiniest Eye of the Needle and emerged REBORN on the other side.
wow. Wow. WOW!!
When I woke up Saturday morning, I felt "inappropriately" giddy. I felt completely, fully and totally Alive. I wanted to roll down my windows and scream out to the still-slumbering world, I am right here, right now!  I am Made of Awesome!! I am a fucking MIRACLE!!!
I don't think the world would have appreciated it. ;-)


I finished off the Releasingway with a formal ceremony at my sister shamanka's fire circle...and Great Mother, did it feel GOOD to release all that schtuff at last! Not only have I reconnected with my Positivity, but I've also reconnected with my own Blessed Divinity - Oh Yes Indeedy I AM Goddess Incarnate! 'Bout time I started acting like it, eh! (lol)
So yes, I had a breakdown, but it was the necessary precursor to my break-through. I had to own and inhabit those illusory states completely before I could release them...the lesson of the Great Serpent Mother. Now that I have shed my skin, the question becomes, again, now what?
The answer came swiftly: now, you REST, for once!
Yes, Mama. :-)

May: Gaia - Mother Earth

Envisioning by the River. (Gerton, NC 4/12)

Gaia's message for this month, according to my Oracle deck, was this: You can create your life. Envision what you desire it to be. Sounds easy, right? Not if one of your Core Shadows is working behind the scenes to sabotage you...

At the end of April I was doing a lot of Envisioning, specifically around how to return to Asheville, NC (and surrounding environs) for good. I think it's safe to say I got so caught up in the envisioning that I almost forgot to envision a way home post-retreat! Were it not for a most generous offer of transportation from some very good friends, I would have been in a most sticky wicket indeed - and therein I could spy the Shadow at work.

First off, this aspect believed she was trapped in "surviving" her life, allowed to do "only" the necessary and needful amount of work to keep her chin above water, thus being prevented from doing that which truly nourished her soul and fed her happiness. Second - and more importantly - she believed that the work that needed to be done was Too Much for her to do. I can't do it by myself, she would say, I need someone to do at least some of the work for me. In her/my darkest moments, I believed I needed someone else to do ALL the work for me. Can we talk about Giving Away the Power here?

Halfway through the month, I was shown a Vision, very simple, but very Power*full as well: I saw all of my perceived difficulties as a large dark pile of Stuff. These were all the limitations I saw standing between me and my desires. They towered above my head. Then came the words, Now, Watch...and the large pile of stuff began to shrink and grow transparent. In the next moment, I saw that I could step around the pile, over the pile, or - when the pile grew transparent enough - through it. The lesson? My perceptions were just those: Perceptions, not necessarily corresponding with reality! In that instant, without a whole lot of conscious thought, I Got It. Let me see past the supposed obstacles to the True Reality, and go from there!

In the meantime, my reality became more interesting: a new opportunity at my muggle work was practically dropped into my lap when I returned from the retreat. I thought about it, felt into it, and was a bit surprised when the answer that came back to me was a YES - seize this opportunity! So I did...and at the end of the month, I was informed that I would be promoted to supervisor, with my training starting on June 1st. Well and so! With clear Vision and a new path before me, I prepared to embark on the next phase of my journey.

April: Huchi-Fuchi - Goddess of the Hearth

Barnabas Bear guards the Hearth. (Gerton, NC 4/12)

"She was believed to have been honored among the Ainu, a hunting-gathering people indigenous to Japan. (Her) nurturing fire is responsible for the creation of food and the warming of the home." (From the Goddess Inspiration Oracle Guide)

The message of this Goddess is, Surround yourself with warmth by creating an environment that nurtures others. In April, that took two forms for me. The first was a bit of decluttering in my home, where I helped my mother release some old stuff that was no longer being used. The second was a decluttering of my soul, and the beginning of the revelation of my Core Shadows.

In order to create an environment that nurtures others, first I have to make sure I'm able to nurture myself at my own hearth. In April, I found that the hearth-fire had gone out within me. I had run into a small inconvenience for an upcoming trip, and I was feeling way more upset about this inconvenience than was necessary. I found myself making it into something Huge and Devastating for me. When I asked why, the answer began to come out, because it's taking away time I'd like to spend with my Home Tribe... and that's as far as I managed to track that thought. In the next moment, I Lost It. Completely.

To borrow from the band Yes, My name is Victoria and I am the Owner of a Lonely Heart.

Now, Loneliness is not an alien concept to me. I'm an only child, and have never been in any significant sort of Deep Relationship outside of my own family, certainly nothing romantic. There are times when I prefer to be alone, content in my own company. But this was the first time, perhaps, that I really felt the depth and breadth of my Loneliness - and it was intense, and it was not comfortable in the least. I felt the soul-deep desire for Meaning*full Connection. I felt the intense need for a Beloved in my life: someone who could hold me when I felt weak, tired, and wanting to stop carrying the whole damn world on my shoulders for a few minutes. Someone who could sing the song of my soul back to me when I forgot the words, or even the melody. Someone who could be Totally There for me, when I was lost in the Land of Overwhelm, and shine the flashlight in the darkness when my fingers were too cold to hold it or turn it on, so I could find my way back.

More, and More Simply, I felt homesick. I was missing my Home Tribe, my Glowing soul family. Extremely ironic when I'm standing in my own shower in my own home, but there you are. I didn't want to be standing in my shower in California. In that moment, I wanted to be where I felt my Home Tribe is gathering: Asheville, North Carolina. Yup, there. I've said it. I planted the seed at the Equinox, and that's where I really want to take root. This is where I feel the pull, the whisper in my heart that's saying softly, Come Home. Come Home.

Once I acknowledged that, I began to pull myself back together. I acknowledged the Lonely Wolf and allowed her to sit with me, and tell me her story. Another note of irony: this part that wants to be A Part of something will hold herself Apart from something if she feels she's not receiving support - as if the cure to loneliness is solitude! Well, solitude in Nature, when I can feel my connections to All That Is, maybe. But it feels like there's a bit of faulty logic in there somewhere.

So I took my Lonely Wolf to North Carolina at the end of the month. There were times when I felt cursedly apart and there were times that I felt blessedly a part. I definitely allowed my Lonely Wolf to have her voice and full expression - as I shifted my way through my Lonliness, restoked my inner hearth-fire, and repaired the most essential House of Belonging: My Self.
At the end of the latest Big Glow retreat, I was assured and convinced: It was/is time to Come Home. Now all that's needed is to draw the map from Here to There...

March: Abeona - Goddess of Departures

Walking the "Good Red Road." (Questhaven, 3/12)

 Originally worshiped in Rome as the Goddess of departures, Abeona protected children as they left their home to enter the great world. She watched over them as they took their first steps, helping them guide one foot in front of the other. (from the Goddess Inspiration Oracle)

It's funny, when I see the name of this Goddess, my thoughts always want to place Her in Africa instead of Rome. But enough digressing... ;-)

I've been a bit delayed in posting this entry because every time I think I have the words in place, something else happens, and the words all get jumbled up and need me to sort them out again. I think, however, I'm in a stable enough place now that I can get some words up here, and do a bit of catching up. Again. (LOL)

There was a departure last month in my neck of the woods, as Miss D. left with her animals for Parts Elsewhere. What was originally going to be a two- or three-week stay lasted for a smidge over five months. Not surprisingly, when you have three mature women and a bevy of cats and rabbits all sharing less than a thousand square feet of space, nerves can get a wee bit frayed even with the very best of intentions! The new breathing room is much appreciated by all parties, as far as I can determine! :-)

That's what happened in the world around me. What happened within me I want to delve into a bit more, since it helps explain the "tardiness" of this post. Along with the warming and lengthening of the lovely Spring days, there was also the Unfolding of Activation energy taking place for much of March. (The details can be found on my Wetware blog. Scroll down a tad and you'll see it.) I charged a crystal with my dreams and intentions and took it with me to one of my favorite natural places to do ceremony, Questhaven.

Towards the end of the longest trail there (the Deer Springs trail), there is a place that I call Hallowed Ground. There is Ancient Energy there that is off-the-charts Awesome. I performed my ceremony there, creating a "mini-despacho" and leaving offerings for the birds and ants. I also planted my crystal in sacred space.

My "toolkit" for Ceremony. (Questhaven, 3/12)

Center for Wish-Making. (Questhaven, 3/12)

After my ceremony, I thought I would find an activation of my Dreams. Instead, it seemed as though I took the proverbial "step backwards," as my Core Shadows rose up again for more review and revision! The Spring Equinox kicked off a second Eye of the Needle initiatory process - with a much smaller needle eye to pass through! Fortunately, there was much less that needed to be passed through it!

It is moving through this secondary process that delayed me. I have established deeper and more complete connections with those parts of myself that do not use language to speak. I have come to define what is really important to me - what I perceive as "missing" in my life, and what I need to do to shift that. I have also come to see the sources of dissonance and discord in my life, and what I am needing to do to shift that as well. What this basically means: I'm getting ready to make some Big Changes in my life. Some would say they were overdue; in this moment, I won't necessarily disagree. ;-)
After being tossed about by the currents, I find myself coming into alignment with them, and perhaps using them to my advantage, working with them instead of against them! More to come in the following seasons...

Nature Always Inspires! (Questhaven, 3/12)

Of work and Work

Moving with the new rhythms. (Encinitas, 1/11)

Nearly three months into this crazy year we're calling "2012," I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on the rhythms of Walking Between the Worlds.
The schedule change I'd been angling for at work came to pass earlier this month. Initially I was a mid-morning to early-evening girl, working the "swing shift" in this particular line of work. Yes, I'm gonna say it...I was a swinger, baby! (lol) While the "late" start was nice, the shift was plonked down smack-dab in the middle of my day, and I didn't have a lot of time on either side of the day to get stuff done outside of work. There were a few occasions I had some major challenges with Time Anxiety, my old familiar adversary, but I stared him down each time and he blinked first, sooner or later.
Now, however, I'm a part of the vanguard of the legion of Morning Commuters heading into work three of the five weekdays, and a fairly early riser on the weekends. Yes, the rumors you've heard are true: I'm mutating into a Morning Person! :-o Before the time change, I managed to add to my collection of sunrises that I've beheld, to go with my extensive collection of sunsets. Post time-change, though, I'm back to dancing in the dark, though Bella Luna has been keeping me company, cloud cover notwithstanding!
The tradeoff, though, is Well Worth It, as I have much of my afternoons and the entirety of my evenings free, just like the average working muggle! I'm still working out the nuances of this new rhythm, for the early hour I need to rise and shine at, much of the week, predisposes me towards turning into a pumpkin much earlier these days. ;-) I'll get it all sorted soon enough, though, no worries.

Just because I'm gainfully and conventionally employed, though, doesn't mean I've let up on any of the Work that I've been doing; a glimpse at my Wetware blog will show that I'm still a pretty busy bee in the mystical department. Two examples of what's cooking in the cauldron at the moment:

Getting Ready to Hatch. (Kit Carson Park, 1/12)

If you're keeping score at home, you'll remember that I mentioned doing some ceremonial work on 11/13/11, after I had to postpone it from 11/11/11. This is one of the end results of that ceremony, the first incarnation of a special juju bundle I'm calling Bach'aya Shumach'anya. I'm doing some prayer-work with the second incarnation now, and will be taking it with me to Questhaven for a special Equinox ceremony next week.

The Chosen Stone. (Home, 3/12)

Speaking of prayer-work...I met this lovely stone after a despacho ceremony in San Diego. I'm using it as a focal point in very special ritual work connected with the Mother of the New Time movement. (News to you? Click on the link above to be taken to the site.) This stone was anointed last new moon and went though its first full working on the full moon last week. I'll be co-creating with this stone up to the Winter Solstice, where I'll be parting ways with it in a special ceremony.

As I come into better alignment with these rhythms currently in my life, I see more and more things unfolding. The summer looks particularly promising and juicy at this moment; more to come as things manifest out of the cauldron! In the meantime, all is well - even during the most persnickety moments of Mercury Retrograde! ;-)