finding my words

Signs of Life (@ Home, 2/15)

Ten years ago, February of 2007 to be exact, I started this little blog as an online journal of sorts. For the last two years, the blog has been silent, but not for lack of trying.

Between September 2014 and now, I've written several dozen posts in my head. I've even tried a few times to write a new entry, but they became too much of a litany of woe and bland lists of "things that happened on such-and-so date" each time, and I've abandoned them. Now the energy is finally (YES!) starting to shift, and I'm finding the words to describe what I've been through in the past few years.

The main thing is Depression. Since March of 2014, I've been swimming through its murky waters, with Catfish as my guide. I will tell you - Depression can visit anyone at any time, no matter their social status or occupation, race or religion or gender. There were probably a handful of times when I could have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, had I bothered to go to the doctor. I never got suicidal, but there were plenty of times when I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up, oh, in about ten years. Take me away, Calgon, and let me nap by Rip Van Winkle, ya know?

The Depression arose from huge Anger that had turned in on itself and savaged me regularly. I was constantly seeing myself as an utter failure...not Positive enough to pull out of this fugue state, not Magickal enough to manifest the necessary prosperity, not Devoted enough to pray my way into my Dream Life. Basically, fill in the blank of "Not ___ Enough," and I was feeling it at some point or another. From this perspective, I was the World's Biggest Fraud. No way could I lay claim to being a Priestess, my Spirituality was only skin deep and therefore worthless, and I couldn't work the Law of Attraction to save my life. I was a Failure at being anything concerning "metaphysical" and I might as well give up, take that Blue Pill, and forget everything I had done for the last fifteen (or so) years.

Not. Fun. And there's more...

When I thought I was pulling myself up in 2015, I was dealt a surprise pregnancy followed by a not-so-surprise miscarriage. Just as I thought I was decently recovered from that in 2016, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer (Stage 4, no less!), and I wound up caring for both him and my aging mother. It was like 2014 and 2015 were a rehearsal for 2016, with all of its inherent insanity!

Interestingly enough, it was when the rest of the world seemed to go mad (think early November and you'll get it), I found my way back to my sanity. My anger suddenly had a tangible target it could focus on in creative ways. A door that had remained stubbornly shut opened wide for me, and I heard the directive: This is what you've been waiting for. Go Forward! I have...not super rapidly, but I have.

With the dawning of this year comes some perspective: the past three years were my huge Take-Apart, where everything in my life was energetically broken down and cleared away, so I could start fresh. Think going back to Square One, except on level 1,001. Now that everything has been cleared away, I can tell a new Story for myself, which might incorporate some of the familiar elements, but in radically different ways. Shamanically speaking, I needed to die before I could be reborn, and it was a long and intense death process! I'm very happy to have made it to the rebirthing point!

With my new Story comes a review of my cyberspace Presence. I am starting the blog back up. I have made some revisions, so it's a bit leaner, and I'll be continuing to tweak here and there for a month or two, perhaps. I can say for sure that it won't be another two years before my next entry! I'm thinking weekly or so at the moment, though that might change; if it does, I'll let you know.

It feels good to be back. Here's to new adventures in the New Reality! :)