eyes on the prize

Every week I work with a couple of card decks - Sonya Choquette's Ask Your Guides and Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance decks - to "give" readings to myself. Both of them brought up keeping focused on my goals. I recently acquired Monte Ferber's Karma Cards and added them to the mix...and they echoed the readings I'd already drawn for myself.

Keep your eyes on the prize, the Universe is telling me. And I know where it's coming from:
There is the temptation to let work take over my life again, to put all of my energy into the J.O.B. and not leave time for anything else to get done. My goal is to have the work be my foundation, my equilibrium point that gives me the opportunity to pursue the Important Work and not have to worry about the bills. I write this in part to help me remember this... ;-)

So I managed to tweak my schedule a little bit to my advantage. I work 27 hours a week now. Much better for me!! :-D Now I can contemplate my next step(s)...

Consolidating my Creativity

I've referred to the main room of my home as my ersatz art studio. I collage as a serious hobby, and I like to collect images from magazines and catalogs and calendars, various odds and ends of ribbon, paper scraps, assorted stickers, and the occasional Found Object. Little by little, the prima facie of my creative impulses spreads out in the main room, taking up more & more space... :-O

Peter Walsh, one of the current de-cluttering gurus, was on Oprah the other day. Among other folks, he helped a woman tame her collection of scrapbooking supplies into something infinitely more manageable. One neuron struck another in my mind, and I looked over to the writing-desk against the western wall. I could very easily make it the center of my creative operations, I thought to myself.

So I emptied it out, one drawer at a time. A grocery bag now stands beside it, filled with decks of playing cards, not-terribly-used, entirely-unused and never-to-be-used Post-It notes and memo pads, and untouched stationary sets. All will be relocated to good homes. ;-)

I've integrated the snail-mail materials that I've used into the collection of snailing materials we already possess, categorized everything, and placed them in their own labelled bags. I reserve the right to take unused cards and incorporate them into my own collage/artwork.

All I need now is one, possibly two, accordion files to hold my images. Once I've secured those, my creative work will fall into harmonic organization. A trip to Staples or Office Depot is on my event horizon... :-)

Remembering Fluidity

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I returned to the answering service.
During these two weeks, it occurred to me: I did ask the Universe, at the start of the year, how best I could Be Of Service. And the Universe responded by guiding me back here, to a place where I can, literally, serve.
So I have a schedule, and am allowing things to fall into place around it.
I acknowledge that I need the structure in my life. I need a frame to work off of, to create my life around it.

In total, I will be working 31 hours a week. Yes, that's only an hour less than where I was at the synagogue. BUT - here's the big difference - I don't have to be "on point" all the time. I don't have to keep artificially busy, lest the rabbi walks by and complain that I'm not working enough! :-p When there are quiet times, and there are, I can read...or even better, write.
That was the one thing I liked about working at the service in the past: I had time to write. A lot. It will be nice to get back into that flow.

And the list anxiety is beginning to crop up again, as in, ohmigod, I want to do a-b-c-d-and e today, but I'll be lucky if I get to b. Shit damn balls...I'm falling behind again.
Falling behind in whose opinion, love?

Let me take the grace*full ease in living that I cultivated during my fallow time and apply it here, now, as the speed of life begins to pick up again. Let me reassure myself that all will happen in the fullness of time, at the perfect time, and in a timely fashion. I am moving exactly at the pace I am supposed to.

Besides, barring the Four Horsemen riding through the service, I've accomplished my top goal:
my Fridays are completely free, and my Saturday evenings are free as well. I also have Sunday off...and since I don't have to work until the afternoon, I can open up Sundays to play too. :-)

I exercise patience, and allow the Mystery to unfold at my feet, one day at a time.

Post-Orientation Thoughts

Training proper will actually begin on Monday.
All the doubts and concerns vanished the moment I walked through the door. It felt like a homecoming, believe it or not. :-)

The tricky part will be to see if I can get the hours I really want.
I have an idea of what I want to work. They, of course, have a different idea of what they want me to work. ;-) So I'll see what I can get - or what I'll have to take until I get a bit of seniority under my belt. My biggest concern is to keep Friday and Saturday evenings free, for that's when most of my spiritual stuff takes place.

The negotiation of structure...it will be a challenge, and a great barometer to see how assertive I've become. Once I have the basic structure in place, then I can arrange other things around it: the spiritual work, the housework, and the fun stuff.

This, though, I have put high on the priority list: I will have scheduled my first CD recording session by the end of the month.

Amazing, what floats to the surface...

Today I start at my new/old job. ;-)

Stuff has been floating to the surface between Tuesday and today...
Past memories. Past fears. Past feelings of being small and power*less.

I am remembering who I was twelve, eleven years ago.
Or perhaps it's, she's insisting on being remembered.

Looking back, I can see all the changes that have occurred to me between then and now: Getting my driver's license. Finding faith. Going within and bringing Light into the dark places. Healing and growing into a Luminous Woman of Spirit.

I remember who I was, and I hold her in love.
I whisper into her ear, it's all going to be okay.
Then I release her with gratitude, once more.

I put the emphasis on PAST.
A girl left that job once upon a time.
A woman returns to it.
So Mote It Be.