June: Hekate - The Dark One

(wee notification: I am going to speak frankly about life passages and emotional states that may be very triggering for some. Feel free to read with discretion, or skip over altogether.)

Through the "Rebirth Canal" (Encinitas, 9/09)

At the beginning of this year, thanks to a suggestion from the lovely Leonie, I pulled a dozen cards from my Goddess Inspiration Oracle Deck to get an idea of what 2012 will hold for me. Hekate landed in June. I took one look at Her and thought to myself, Hm. Significant changes that month.

Can we say Understatement of the YEAR!

If April was about fully feeling the Loneliness, and May was about fully feeling the Blocks, in June I came to feel the Central Shadow at the core of all of my Shadows, the one Fatal Flaw that "doomed me to fail" in this lifetime: I was Too Negative.
As the story went, I was too sarcastic, too snarky, too scared to make the leap of faith - too damn comfortable and stuck in my sorry farce of a life to make any meaningful changes. All the positivity in the world turned to poison in my hands, for all I could see was how great and wonderful and miraculous everyone else was doing...but I was not doing that, because I couldn't find the Way Out. My pathetic little attempts to make Big Changes always fell flat, or just short, or were entirely stillborn. The shiny happy life I desired was there, but Just Out of My Reach - and there it would stay, forever.

Nasty little illusion, eh?

I knew it was an illusion, YET it kept getting stronger, more pervasive, and denser in my being. The fog got thicker and thicker as the moon waned from fullness into darkness.

To add to the growing despair, my familiar-cat, Princess Joey, was having greater and greater challenges just staying alive. Her movement slowed way down, and one could see that she was in great pain and discomfort. She quit jumping altogether. She drank a lot, and peed a lot - but was no longer making it into the litterbox. She would only eat two or three bites at a time. It became very apparent that this was her last life, and it was coming to an end. After a great deal of soul-searching and conferring, mom and I chose to help her over the Rainbow Bridge back to the Unseen World. With the assistance of a very compassionate veterinarian and her equally compassionate assistant, Joey shuffled off her mortal coil at the ripe old age of seventeen, just. In people years, she was 110. Ah, what a rich full life! what an utterly spoiled life too! ;-)

Vaya Con Diosa, Mi Amorcita. (@Home, 5/12)

Now, here's the wild-strange-miraculous part...
I said the majority of my goodbyes the night before she passed.
As that Friday became Saturday, I woke up in total bleakness and all-out despair. I was convinced that I was an utter failure at life and living, that there was no way for my dreams to become Real. I was convinced that I was stuck in this farce of a life forever - and I made a choice. I was going to drop offline completely, deleting all of my accounts and profiles. I was going to call my work when the alarm went off and quit my job. I was going to go into my room and wait, until death came for me, or the doctors came for me, to put me in the little windowless room. I entered into a state of Absolute Surrender; I even said three times, within myself, I am done. I Am Done. I AM DONE.

...and then Light filled up my brain.
...and then I took a deep breath.
...and then I wondered, have I done a soul exchange? Is this still me? Quick, test the memories!
All the memories were there. I knew it was still me when I realized I still loved hammerhead sharks. ;-)
In one swift stroke, I shed the skin of Negativity and all the characters stuck in that Negativity. In the space between heartbeats, I passed through the tiniest Eye of the Needle and emerged REBORN on the other side.
wow. Wow. WOW!!
When I woke up Saturday morning, I felt "inappropriately" giddy. I felt completely, fully and totally Alive. I wanted to roll down my windows and scream out to the still-slumbering world, I am right here, right now!  I am Made of Awesome!! I am a fucking MIRACLE!!!
I don't think the world would have appreciated it. ;-)


I finished off the Releasingway with a formal ceremony at my sister shamanka's fire circle...and Great Mother, did it feel GOOD to release all that schtuff at last! Not only have I reconnected with my Positivity, but I've also reconnected with my own Blessed Divinity - Oh Yes Indeedy I AM Goddess Incarnate! 'Bout time I started acting like it, eh! (lol)
So yes, I had a breakdown, but it was the necessary precursor to my break-through. I had to own and inhabit those illusory states completely before I could release them...the lesson of the Great Serpent Mother. Now that I have shed my skin, the question becomes, again, now what?
The answer came swiftly: now, you REST, for once!
Yes, Mama. :-)

May: Gaia - Mother Earth

Envisioning by the River. (Gerton, NC 4/12)

Gaia's message for this month, according to my Oracle deck, was this: You can create your life. Envision what you desire it to be. Sounds easy, right? Not if one of your Core Shadows is working behind the scenes to sabotage you...

At the end of April I was doing a lot of Envisioning, specifically around how to return to Asheville, NC (and surrounding environs) for good. I think it's safe to say I got so caught up in the envisioning that I almost forgot to envision a way home post-retreat! Were it not for a most generous offer of transportation from some very good friends, I would have been in a most sticky wicket indeed - and therein I could spy the Shadow at work.

First off, this aspect believed she was trapped in "surviving" her life, allowed to do "only" the necessary and needful amount of work to keep her chin above water, thus being prevented from doing that which truly nourished her soul and fed her happiness. Second - and more importantly - she believed that the work that needed to be done was Too Much for her to do. I can't do it by myself, she would say, I need someone to do at least some of the work for me. In her/my darkest moments, I believed I needed someone else to do ALL the work for me. Can we talk about Giving Away the Power here?

Halfway through the month, I was shown a Vision, very simple, but very Power*full as well: I saw all of my perceived difficulties as a large dark pile of Stuff. These were all the limitations I saw standing between me and my desires. They towered above my head. Then came the words, Now, Watch...and the large pile of stuff began to shrink and grow transparent. In the next moment, I saw that I could step around the pile, over the pile, or - when the pile grew transparent enough - through it. The lesson? My perceptions were just those: Perceptions, not necessarily corresponding with reality! In that instant, without a whole lot of conscious thought, I Got It. Let me see past the supposed obstacles to the True Reality, and go from there!

In the meantime, my reality became more interesting: a new opportunity at my muggle work was practically dropped into my lap when I returned from the retreat. I thought about it, felt into it, and was a bit surprised when the answer that came back to me was a YES - seize this opportunity! So I did...and at the end of the month, I was informed that I would be promoted to supervisor, with my training starting on June 1st. Well and so! With clear Vision and a new path before me, I prepared to embark on the next phase of my journey.

April: Huchi-Fuchi - Goddess of the Hearth

Barnabas Bear guards the Hearth. (Gerton, NC 4/12)

"She was believed to have been honored among the Ainu, a hunting-gathering people indigenous to Japan. (Her) nurturing fire is responsible for the creation of food and the warming of the home." (From the Goddess Inspiration Oracle Guide)

The message of this Goddess is, Surround yourself with warmth by creating an environment that nurtures others. In April, that took two forms for me. The first was a bit of decluttering in my home, where I helped my mother release some old stuff that was no longer being used. The second was a decluttering of my soul, and the beginning of the revelation of my Core Shadows.

In order to create an environment that nurtures others, first I have to make sure I'm able to nurture myself at my own hearth. In April, I found that the hearth-fire had gone out within me. I had run into a small inconvenience for an upcoming trip, and I was feeling way more upset about this inconvenience than was necessary. I found myself making it into something Huge and Devastating for me. When I asked why, the answer began to come out, because it's taking away time I'd like to spend with my Home Tribe... and that's as far as I managed to track that thought. In the next moment, I Lost It. Completely.

To borrow from the band Yes, My name is Victoria and I am the Owner of a Lonely Heart.

Now, Loneliness is not an alien concept to me. I'm an only child, and have never been in any significant sort of Deep Relationship outside of my own family, certainly nothing romantic. There are times when I prefer to be alone, content in my own company. But this was the first time, perhaps, that I really felt the depth and breadth of my Loneliness - and it was intense, and it was not comfortable in the least. I felt the soul-deep desire for Meaning*full Connection. I felt the intense need for a Beloved in my life: someone who could hold me when I felt weak, tired, and wanting to stop carrying the whole damn world on my shoulders for a few minutes. Someone who could sing the song of my soul back to me when I forgot the words, or even the melody. Someone who could be Totally There for me, when I was lost in the Land of Overwhelm, and shine the flashlight in the darkness when my fingers were too cold to hold it or turn it on, so I could find my way back.

More, and More Simply, I felt homesick. I was missing my Home Tribe, my Glowing soul family. Extremely ironic when I'm standing in my own shower in my own home, but there you are. I didn't want to be standing in my shower in California. In that moment, I wanted to be where I felt my Home Tribe is gathering: Asheville, North Carolina. Yup, there. I've said it. I planted the seed at the Equinox, and that's where I really want to take root. This is where I feel the pull, the whisper in my heart that's saying softly, Come Home. Come Home.

Once I acknowledged that, I began to pull myself back together. I acknowledged the Lonely Wolf and allowed her to sit with me, and tell me her story. Another note of irony: this part that wants to be A Part of something will hold herself Apart from something if she feels she's not receiving support - as if the cure to loneliness is solitude! Well, solitude in Nature, when I can feel my connections to All That Is, maybe. But it feels like there's a bit of faulty logic in there somewhere.

So I took my Lonely Wolf to North Carolina at the end of the month. There were times when I felt cursedly apart and there were times that I felt blessedly a part. I definitely allowed my Lonely Wolf to have her voice and full expression - as I shifted my way through my Lonliness, restoked my inner hearth-fire, and repaired the most essential House of Belonging: My Self.
At the end of the latest Big Glow retreat, I was assured and convinced: It was/is time to Come Home. Now all that's needed is to draw the map from Here to There...

March: Abeona - Goddess of Departures

Walking the "Good Red Road." (Questhaven, 3/12)

 Originally worshiped in Rome as the Goddess of departures, Abeona protected children as they left their home to enter the great world. She watched over them as they took their first steps, helping them guide one foot in front of the other. (from the Goddess Inspiration Oracle)

It's funny, when I see the name of this Goddess, my thoughts always want to place Her in Africa instead of Rome. But enough digressing... ;-)

I've been a bit delayed in posting this entry because every time I think I have the words in place, something else happens, and the words all get jumbled up and need me to sort them out again. I think, however, I'm in a stable enough place now that I can get some words up here, and do a bit of catching up. Again. (LOL)

There was a departure last month in my neck of the woods, as Miss D. left with her animals for Parts Elsewhere. What was originally going to be a two- or three-week stay lasted for a smidge over five months. Not surprisingly, when you have three mature women and a bevy of cats and rabbits all sharing less than a thousand square feet of space, nerves can get a wee bit frayed even with the very best of intentions! The new breathing room is much appreciated by all parties, as far as I can determine! :-)

That's what happened in the world around me. What happened within me I want to delve into a bit more, since it helps explain the "tardiness" of this post. Along with the warming and lengthening of the lovely Spring days, there was also the Unfolding of Activation energy taking place for much of March. (The details can be found on my Wetware blog. Scroll down a tad and you'll see it.) I charged a crystal with my dreams and intentions and took it with me to one of my favorite natural places to do ceremony, Questhaven.

Towards the end of the longest trail there (the Deer Springs trail), there is a place that I call Hallowed Ground. There is Ancient Energy there that is off-the-charts Awesome. I performed my ceremony there, creating a "mini-despacho" and leaving offerings for the birds and ants. I also planted my crystal in sacred space.

My "toolkit" for Ceremony. (Questhaven, 3/12)

Center for Wish-Making. (Questhaven, 3/12)

After my ceremony, I thought I would find an activation of my Dreams. Instead, it seemed as though I took the proverbial "step backwards," as my Core Shadows rose up again for more review and revision! The Spring Equinox kicked off a second Eye of the Needle initiatory process - with a much smaller needle eye to pass through! Fortunately, there was much less that needed to be passed through it!

It is moving through this secondary process that delayed me. I have established deeper and more complete connections with those parts of myself that do not use language to speak. I have come to define what is really important to me - what I perceive as "missing" in my life, and what I need to do to shift that. I have also come to see the sources of dissonance and discord in my life, and what I am needing to do to shift that as well. What this basically means: I'm getting ready to make some Big Changes in my life. Some would say they were overdue; in this moment, I won't necessarily disagree. ;-)
After being tossed about by the currents, I find myself coming into alignment with them, and perhaps using them to my advantage, working with them instead of against them! More to come in the following seasons...

Nature Always Inspires! (Questhaven, 3/12)

Of work and Work

Moving with the new rhythms. (Encinitas, 1/11)

Nearly three months into this crazy year we're calling "2012," I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on the rhythms of Walking Between the Worlds.
The schedule change I'd been angling for at work came to pass earlier this month. Initially I was a mid-morning to early-evening girl, working the "swing shift" in this particular line of work. Yes, I'm gonna say it...I was a swinger, baby! (lol) While the "late" start was nice, the shift was plonked down smack-dab in the middle of my day, and I didn't have a lot of time on either side of the day to get stuff done outside of work. There were a few occasions I had some major challenges with Time Anxiety, my old familiar adversary, but I stared him down each time and he blinked first, sooner or later.
Now, however, I'm a part of the vanguard of the legion of Morning Commuters heading into work three of the five weekdays, and a fairly early riser on the weekends. Yes, the rumors you've heard are true: I'm mutating into a Morning Person! :-o Before the time change, I managed to add to my collection of sunrises that I've beheld, to go with my extensive collection of sunsets. Post time-change, though, I'm back to dancing in the dark, though Bella Luna has been keeping me company, cloud cover notwithstanding!
The tradeoff, though, is Well Worth It, as I have much of my afternoons and the entirety of my evenings free, just like the average working muggle! I'm still working out the nuances of this new rhythm, for the early hour I need to rise and shine at, much of the week, predisposes me towards turning into a pumpkin much earlier these days. ;-) I'll get it all sorted soon enough, though, no worries.

Just because I'm gainfully and conventionally employed, though, doesn't mean I've let up on any of the Work that I've been doing; a glimpse at my Wetware blog will show that I'm still a pretty busy bee in the mystical department. Two examples of what's cooking in the cauldron at the moment:

Getting Ready to Hatch. (Kit Carson Park, 1/12)

If you're keeping score at home, you'll remember that I mentioned doing some ceremonial work on 11/13/11, after I had to postpone it from 11/11/11. This is one of the end results of that ceremony, the first incarnation of a special juju bundle I'm calling Bach'aya Shumach'anya. I'm doing some prayer-work with the second incarnation now, and will be taking it with me to Questhaven for a special Equinox ceremony next week.

The Chosen Stone. (Home, 3/12)

Speaking of prayer-work...I met this lovely stone after a despacho ceremony in San Diego. I'm using it as a focal point in very special ritual work connected with the Mother of the New Time movement. (News to you? Click on the link above to be taken to the site.) This stone was anointed last new moon and went though its first full working on the full moon last week. I'll be co-creating with this stone up to the Winter Solstice, where I'll be parting ways with it in a special ceremony.

As I come into better alignment with these rhythms currently in my life, I see more and more things unfolding. The summer looks particularly promising and juicy at this moment; more to come as things manifest out of the cauldron! In the meantime, all is well - even during the most persnickety moments of Mercury Retrograde! ;-)