A Spot of Transparency

Light Through the Clouds (Carlsbad, 8/10)

I've been wanting to write this for a while. I would make plans to sit down and put this out in the world, then the plans would dissolve. I actually managed to start this once, then stopped, because it didn't feel right. Then I wrote a "summary" on Facebook, and it all seemed to gel together. This is taking that summary and expanding it.

Transparency, yes. More of my peers have been engaging in Transparency lately, coming out from behind the veil and sharing more of themselves, ditching their fears of perfection in favor of greater Authenticity. Now I'm taking a turn at this.

2014 has been HARD. I got the idea fairly early on that this was going to be a year of stripping away the bullshit and coming face to face with the lingering Sticky Ego Bits in our Closets of Shadow - and it got personal real quick, starting right around the Spring Equinox. I had to give up one of our cars, a Hyundai Elantra, because it got to the point of diminishing returns (putting more money into the car vs. what it's actually worth). Dealing with the challenges of having one car and two people with a lot of obligations, in an area of the country where everything is a bit scattered and public transportation plays second fiddle to the Almighty Car, was just the beginning. I've lost count of how many times the energies and the shifts have knocked me on my ass this year. Year of the Horse, indeed; the Windhorses are going forward at a mad gallop and not showing any signs of slowing down in the near future! Year of Inner Strength, indeed: I have been pushed to my boundaries, and then beyond them. In the middle of May, during all of the wildfires, I had a moderate mental meltdown and had to step away from my muggle work. My mother's health scare then all but shut me down completely, and I'm just now starting to swim up to the surface, away from the murky bottom.

As much as I would like it to, and as much as I have expected it to at times (if I'm going to be totally honest), being a Shamanic Priestess does not shield me from the Special High Intensity Transformation, but it does allow me to see the gifts...like being removed from the wilder "outer" storms so I could focus more closely on my inner unrest. Like seeing exactly how this demon called Perfection has been messing with every aspect of my life.

Ah yes, Perfection - which wonders snidely why I have to rely on credit cards to cover basic expenses like gas and groceries when I should be using the Law of Attraction to get massive amounts of prosperity in my life. It chides me for gaining back Every Single Pound of weight I had released prior to meeting my husband. It suggests that I have to everything for everyone because no one else has their shit together enough to get things done the way they're "supposed" to be done, and only I know how things "should" be done. It whispers that my husband is going to leave me because we're not on the same level sexually and he's going to want to be with a woman who is more encouraging in bed. It insists that I will fail in my heart-centered business because "You have to have everything in your life in perfect order. Your house is a mess, you never get anything done, and you break all of your promises. Who's going to follow a Fuck-Up like YOU?"

So often, we are our own worst critics. That's why I had a meltdown so I could Melt Down all of the myths and untruths rooted in Old Reality and still hiding in the Shadows. That's why I broke myself wider open so I could bring both halves of my brain into greater balance, and synch it up with my own HeartWisdom. That's why opportunities to reach out and ask for Support where and when I need it have appeared before me. That's why I've given myself Permission to create a whole new Structure in my life that accommodates the "Me" that I still am, even within the structure of the "We" I am building with my husband.

There have been breathers during the chaos, which have allowed me to Micro-Move my way forward in the chaos... I created a Facebook page for my Shamanic Priestess brand/aspect. I have become a regular reader at the Philosophical Library and have Juju Bundles on sale there. Yay Me!
There's So Much More I want to do, but I realize: all in the fullness of time.

I still have a reading I did from SARK's "Ask Jupiter" oracle many moons ago; it's on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror: Your path is clear: Surrender and Proceed as the Way Opens.
Though it may be with much kicking and screaming at times, I am continuing to Surrender, and continuing to Micro-Move my way ahead as the fog continues to lift, and the Windhorses storm their way through the canyons of my mind.