sugar bomb

Woke up yesterday morning feeling rather blerky...nauseous, sore in every cell of my body. Something was very definitely rotten in the state of Denmark.
So I checked in with myself and found the what of it: too much sugar in my system.

It was mom's birthday weekend, and there had been cake. And more cake. And a hot-fudge sundae from Mickey-D's to cap it all off.
No wonder I overdosed on sugar! :-p

I know my body chemistry has changed radically since January. I wasn't aware of the full extent of this change till yesterday.

So I took it easy yesterday - no solid food, and I called out from work. Time to refocus and take care of ME.

I had something similar happen at the end of the retreat, in fact, hurling after I'd consumed a cup of tea sweetened with sugar. And yes, eventually I wound up hurling to purge all this toxic energy within me and hit the reset button. I had to, in order to release all the gas that was refusing to budge in my system!

First, gluten; now, sugar.
Noted for future reference!

~sitting with resistance~

Not that long ago, at the last quarter moon, I got around to writing an "unsent letter" containing emotions that have been needing to come to the surface for a while, around a friend who is no longer in Cali with me. I was also aware that I had some resentment around my mother that I needed to release as well. (The normal stuff you might feel around a parental unit? Increase it by several factors when you actually live with said unit! HA!)
Okay, fine. Releasing took place.

Then I feel something deeper within my body, within my chest...something which might lead to greater difficulties later if not addressed now. All right; let's invite this to the surface and sit with it, perhaps take tea with it even.
I send out the invitation to this dense, intense sensation, which many would call "pain": What are you trying to tell me, lovely one?
I am not feeling supported, I receive the response. I am not feeling respected in the choices I am making for myself.
What do you need to feel supported? I ask.
The reply was sudden and vehement: I need everyone around me to BACK OFF!

My name is Victoria and I am a (recovering) Control Freak...
Once, I needed to be In Control, of Everything in My Life, at All Times.
Slowly, with gentleness, I have peeled my fingers off the yoke, one by one, and allowed myself to be more of a "co-pilot" in my life; now and again, particularly when I channel, I step aside altogether - yet I'm always ready to take back the yoke if needed. (This comes in particuarly handy if I begin to channel while driving...lol!)
A good friend told me once that you're always recovering; you never get to recovered.
I am beginning to see the truth in her words.

A part of me is resisting this forward motion in my life - a deep part, feeling insecure, resisting fiercely - threatening to raise the resistance bar if necessary. I don't take well to threats.
But this is not the time for direct action, not yet.
This is the time to sit, and listen, and ask...what do we need to feel supported?

I've lived my way into some answers:
Expression - I need to tell more of my truth, faster. (with a tip of the hat to SARK)
Creation - If I learn nothing else from exploring my artistic side with Miss Leonie and my fellow creatrices, it's that "making art" is not something I just "save for a rainy day."
This must become fully integrated into my life.
It's a wonderful and appropriate outlet for whatever nervous energies build up within me.
Motion - My body craves movement. Truth is, I sit too damn much...if not at this computer, then at the computer where I work! I have thought about yoga, and the Universe has confirmed that yoga would serve me well. I've been procrastinating, though, waiting to find a class - waiting for the Universe to drop my perfect yoga opportunity into my lap.
News flash: not only will that NOT happen, but I have the key to open that door already in my possession, in the form of a Gentle Yoga Kit that I "accidentally" received! So I've begun micromoving into the kit, and am poised to take the next step: moving into trying the asanas.

At the dark moon, I worked directly with the "pain," seeing if I could love it into shifting with my Mothers' Stone (a nice sized rose quartz I have in my possession).
Shifting? Not yet - but it's totally in my awareness now, at the surface, tender and vulnerable. Trigger points just to the left, and just above, my heart center.
My next assignment, I've been advised, is to Let It Be. No extra ceremony, no stones, no deep intention...just loving touch and observation free of judgment.
Wait. Watch. Listen.

This is not a path for everyone. This is the path I choose to walk.

Now sprouting on ze blog - !!

The sharp-eyed among you will notice the recent shapeshifting that's occurred here:

First, I'm now active on Twitter. Hey, when the Universe moves to drop a link to a site practically in your lap, you go with it, right? (lol)
You can see my wee "tweets" at Twitter.com or right here under the section, Clouds in the Sky. You know, those wee wisps of water vapor that add depth and richness to the beautiful deep blue? ;-)
I've dreamed now and again of angels skipping from cloud to cloud - but I digress...

Second, I updated my pic in my profile. This one is very recent, circa January of this year! It was taken while I was on retreat by a very special fruit bat. (Those of you who know Monty Python routines, read between the lines~wink wink nudge nudge say no more! lol) It was definitely bundle up and stay near sources of heat weather at the start of the year; let's just say my inner dragon has been happier... ;-)

Said fruit bat also dropped the link to Twitter in my lap - so I guess that's two I owe you, dude. Hollah!

Third, and mostest importantly - while I was changing my pic, I saw three wee words that made me do a happy dance: Audio Clip URL. HA! - I wasn't imagining it after all!! :-)
So, effective immediately, I've taken the fugly & bulky "Sound Snippet" url OFF and advise peeps to click on "About Me" if they want to hear my dulcet tones! Y'all will then see the little link that says Audio Clip; do please click on it! :-)

The one down side? I still can't make it any longer! Boo hiss!
Ah, well, another lesson in working with what I've got, eh?
That's a big affirmatory, cap'n.
;-)

~adding to the concept~

I'm going to do a riff, and expand on this topic I've brought up: Working with what I've got...

It starts with my job, the source of steady income that supports my Work - at least, that's how I see it now.
I used to see it as something as an obligation, an unavoidable duty, something that you cannot avoid doing. Since it was "immutable," I resisted it, sometimes more vigorously (and loudly!) than at other times.
See, I knew I was "destined" to do Something More with my life, but I didn't know what that was. I knew I was not meant to be just another drone, but I had no clue as to what I was to be instead. Without a prize to fix my eyes upon, I was just another life of quiet desperation.

Then I began visualizing, seeing a tangible future and getting specific: I am to be a Priestess in the World.
Good. What does that mean?
The first thing it meant was to summon up my chutzpah and leave the cushy job at the synagogue where I was working. It was okay - but I could find a better fit for me out in the world!
Next was admitting that I needed a source of steady income, for now, while I got my metaphysical feet beneath me. Enter the answering service, and a bit of a homecoming there.
Yes, This job is only "temporary" - but I've relaxed my grip on what temporary means; if I find myself still at the service two, three, five years from now, it's okay.
Somewhere along the line, you see, I quit resisting the present moment. I started working with what I have, right now...and it's made a world of difference. I have my structure, and I arrange my Work around the structure. Eventually, I won't need this structure, but I'm grateful to have it while I need it.

More recently, I took that idea and applied it to my domestic life, and the Work outside my job that I'm doing. What do I have to work with, right now?
I have a CD and a place where I can offer it online. DONE!
I have oodles of time outside my workspace that I can arrange my to-do list in. DOING!
I have opportunities to connect with peeps and work with peeps, online & IRL. IN PROGRESS!

Here's the difference:
I quit waiting for my shiny happy life to drop miraculously into my lap.
I realized that it's all about CO-creation with the Universe. It truly does take two to tango!
I stopped holding the future at arm's length and began to shift it into the Now, shift myself into the future.

oh yah, life is good. :-)

Working with what I've got

I've received some feedback from my peeps that they can't hear my sample track on Lulu.
Okay, no problem. I'll put the track on my blog. They've got a widget-thingy for that, right?
Um...
Well, I thought I saw a widget-thingy option the other day, but when I went to look again, no dice. Hmm - did I misread something? (most likely)

Let's think for a moment...
Trying to get my widget-thingy onto my blog won't work - but - what if I go back to Lulu and grab the soundbite from them to put here?
Done! :-)

So it's not pretty, and it needs to be copied & pasted into your browser-director thingy, but it's here. Look under the pic of my CD and try it. :-)
In the meantime, I'll see if I can make it prettier and/or simpler.
Bear with me folks; in many techno-areas I'm still pretty much "captain clueless." (lol)

as within, so without

The pulse of quickening I felt at the start of February has moved through me and out into the world.
Primarily, my work schedule has changed, effective today: 4:35pm - 12:35am, Sunday thru Wednesday.
The days themselves are the same; it's the time that has changed, taking me deeper into the night...which suits this nocturnal creature quite fine. :-)
It's interesting - in working my way through Miss Leonie's e-course, I had made the choice to stay up later into the wee hours. So has the Universe shifted to fill the space I carved out? Or did I carve out the space being directed by knowing of the Change to come?
That's probably a "yes" answer. (lol)

Regardless, the day-to-day pace of my life will improve immensely, especially on Sundays. No more running back down the coast after playing in the Goddess Temple! I get a little more breathing room, now, before I have to check in to work mode.
Initially, when I heard about my new hours, I was a bit concerned - getting my shift covered for that odd Sunday or so would be more challenging; who the hell wants to whittle away time late on a Sunday night, right? Ah...I shall have a counterpart who works the same hours Thursday thru Saturday! This person can be my first choice: yo, can you work a Sunday in exchange for a Thursday? Sweet!
Yes, I know...a "no" answer may be challenging, but I should still have several options.

The changing of my work hours reflects a larger shifting, becoming more and more apparent.
I have been dreaming of my "ideal" life for several years.
Recently, I did a little visualizing of what my calendar would look like if I were fully in this "ideal" life. You want details, Universe? Here are some details for you - and me!
Suddenly, the dreaming is shifting into doing. Changes are manifesting.

...and I am SO ready to ride this wave. About bloody time, eh? (lol)

"Business" on the coast.

I had some business to take care of on the coast today.
And some Business as well.

I took a route that I hadn't taken recently, that I used to take to work all the time when I worked on the coast. My car remembered the way. ;-)

I got to the home of my newest client in divine perfect timing. This was my first visit, so I was in Deep Listening mode today. She called me out to see if I could help her eldest son. I suspect, however, I'll be helping out the entire family before all is said and done.

Then with business finished, it was time to take care of Business.
I drove alongside the 101 up to Encinitas, and the Self-Realization Fellowship Center. They have this very lush and lovely garden there that's open to the public for meditation and contemplation.
I was going to complete a circuit - I had delivered a rock from the tree dedicated to St. Francis at the SRF garden to Questhaven, where St. F. is also honored. I couldn't find a rock to bring back from Questhaven, but I was gifted a piece of tree bark instead. I took that back to St. F's tree and placed my offering at its base.
The spirits attending the tree expressed their appreciation and assured me it was entirely appropriate.
Then I sat for a few minutes with a second rock that I had received from the tree - my gift for weaving this strand of the web. It was happy to be home again; but, no, I didn't need to return it, it was quite happy to stay with me. ;-)

Eventually I made my way to the main koi pond to commune with the rocks there. I collected a handful of them and rubbed them between my hands, listening to their clattering chatter. I told them that I would be going to the desert by and by - and was asked, nicely, if I could complete another circuit. Deliver a rock from the sea to the desert; deliver a rock from the desert to the sea.
Sure. No problem.
While I was chatting with the rocks, a little boy wandered up to me. He was looking to gather rocks unto himself, perhaps to add to his own collection of wise counsellors. I showed him the rocks in my hand - and he took all of them! A pebble-sized rock slipped out of his grasp, however, and fell right by my shoe. I'm going with you, not him! it affirmed.
When the boy left, I asked the rocks, Who's coming with me, then, if not one of the ones I was holding?
Me, the response came, as my eyes were guided to this gorgeous rock. It even has what look like small streams etched onto its surface. Might as well take a rock that looks like it's holding water if we're going to carry water symbolically to the desert, it said. I was in complete agreement.

So, rocks in tow, I returned to my car and drove home the way I'd come.
The road took me through land that had been severely burned by wildfire nearly 18 months ago - but the magick of spring was upon the land. Everywhere I looked, there was the green of new plants, bringing life back to hills blackened by fire.
Thus is the promise of the Phoenix fulfilled - life arising out of death. :-)
Yes, I smiled as I drove...proof positive that even if the human race should blot itself out of existence, Grandmother Earth will not only survive, but thrive.

Of course, I'm working to ensure that we won't blot ourselves out of existence - and that we shall join Grandmother Earth in rebirth, revival, and thriving.

L A U N C H E D !! (Part 2)

Excuse me for shouting, but...

MY CD IS ON LULU!
MY CD IS ON LULU! NOW!
MY CD IS ON LULU! NOW! FOR ACTUAL PURCHASE!
YES!!

Okay...here is where you can go to get it!
http://www.lulu.com/content/compact_disc/phoenix_song/6018503
If the link doesn't work, copy and paste it into your server.

Online, I'm selling for $15. In person, a little less.
This will be a great time saver for me!

I'll see if I can get a little widget-thingy on my blog, but in the meantime, the link above should work.
Now - off to do the Happy Dance!
AIEEEEE!

Creative Frenzy!

I was a bit concerned about what would happen once I finished Miss Leonie's e-course. Would my creativity dry up again as the lovely & dynamic experiences faded into memory?
I have my answer now: mais non! (lol)

I'm still mid-stream in my journey of getting my CD online. It's proving to be a very juicy "hands-on" learning experience! Still on target for the equinox! :-)
I'm a bit behind in an "altered art round robin" I said I would be a part of with several of my Net-Friends. Fortunately, I'm making up for lost time rather quickly, and it looks like I will be sending out my newest creation on Friday - the next Freyja Power Day! - again, as I had intended. :-)
As if this wasn't enough...I'm plunging deeper with my newest friends at Conscious Convergence, manifesting some material to help promote upcoming retreats for this year and next. Details are still being finalized, though, so I can't elaborate much more at this time. Rest assured, faithful readers, when I know whazzup, you'll know whazzup too! (There will be more shouting from the rooftops.) ;-)
Finally, I have dream projects in the queue, waiting patiently to step forth and have their own turns. I have made a promise to myself: as soon as I finish an "artwork" (as Miss Leonie calls them) for myself, I will allow the next one to come forth and begin to grow.

In the middle of all this, I realized - I am making the shifts from where I am to where I want to be, pretty much seamlessly and effortlessly.
About Bloody Time! (l0l)

~shapeshifting, again~

As I write this, I've got a wee bit of a nose cold going. It's all good, though.

This is the physical manifestation of some Divine Discontent that's come up for me this past week or so. I watched it spiral into me, first in my thoughts and attitudes, then into my emotions, and finally into my body. Now it's here, in the form of a cold...and it's a great opportunity to slow down and slip into observer mode, looking at what's really going on around me, within me.

This episode really began on Friday the 13th - Freyja's Power Day! - in February. A Net-friend forwarded me an email about a power shift that was due to happen that evening, bringing in some unifying "Aquarian" energy onto this earthplane. I participated in the event, which is a tale unto itself. Suffice to say I reconnected with some of my newer friends "on the Grid," and I used a large rose quartz that I have in my possession to bring the energy down and spread it around.
Then I sat back and saw "Piscean" resistance from the polarized duality of the current paradigm on this earthplane.
Think about it for a moment: haven't you noticed some folks being a little snarkier than usual? Haven't you seen the "doom & gloom" from the usual suspects being poured on a little thicker than before? The Shadow-Matrix embedded in this society has seen the writing on the wall, and is snarling in defiance, pulling the "sleepwalkers" closer to itself. You won't awaken them; you won't take them from me! it is declaring.
See, as long as people are "asleep" to their Authenticity and Real Power, the Shadow-Matrix thrives. When people "awaken" to their innate Divinity and reclaim it, they "unplug" from the Shadow-Matrix and are no longer its vassals in thrall. Should enough people "awaken," the Shadow-Matrix will dissolve and no longer exist...then we can get jiggy with it in earnest! ;-)
(Tipping the hat to Mr. Will Smith, yo!)

Initially, I was merely the observer; over this past week, I have become a participant. I have felt the "gap" between my life As It Is Now and my life As I Want It To Be. Up rose resistance to the moment; hence, the Divine Discontent - and hence, the cold.
Even before the cold, though, I was engaging the energies that were in flux around me and using them to begin shifting the shape of my life. The class I am now finishing with Miss Leonie has given me the gentle nudge I've needed to get Phoenix~Song posted online (at last - WOOT!) In turn, that will be the first domino falling in a long line of Forward Movement as I emerge from the cave of Winter's rest and surge forth with the Spring!
Yah, yah, some of you are saying you've heard this song before, and have seen nada.
This time around - I feel it in my bones, in my depths, in my core.

The seeds that were planted in an Northern California forest in January have germinated in the rich dark soil of my be*ing. Now tender green shoots are beginning to break the surface and be warmly greeted by the strengthening sunlight.
We shall see what plants arise and mature in the year to come...