reflection

Taking a few moments to breathe and comport myself as day folds into night...

This has been a year, traveling way out of my comfort zone, both within and without!
I quit the cushy "comfortable" job and found my way back to the past.
I have been to Australia, and allowed its "future-time" energy wash over me & through me.
I have sorted through my DNA, releasing junk left over from my parents.
I have transmuted that which I thought would be unalterable, and I have found a place now that I bypassed earlier in all of that shifting, and am focusing all of my attention here, and bringing about gentle healing change.
And now, after all of this transformation - now the time for action is waiting in the wings, with the new year.
In a way, I shall be starting from scratch, redux.
And in a way, the booster rockets have detached, and are falling back into gravity's embrace.
I shall take the message I received at the start of 2007 and set it atop 2008: Let your Voice lead the Way.
Lead me, Creatrix, and I shall follow...

deep in the night

As I commence, it's just after midnight my time.

I am close to finishing reading The Chalice & The Blade by Riane Eisler, and oh-dear-gods it's stirred up major stuff within me! I'm in the middle of some heavy-duty processing (yet again! lol) which I will be talking more about later, mayhap after the muggle New Year, mayhap sooner. I'm not sure yet.

I'm also close to finishing a collage, on a large red poster board. It's a companion piece, in a way, to a large collage I did a few years ago on a white board I called "Return to Innocence" that is filled with pictures of children, especially (happy) girls. Piece No. 2 on the red board is, perhaps, that little girl grown up and into her own power, her own sensual body. I am finding it's equal parts self-portrait & manifestation board; I'm deeply comfortable in my own skin, yet there is a certain bodacious quality within me that has not yet fully emerged to the surface...

It is no accident that these two things are happening at the same time.
It is no accident that I'm doing this Work just before the Longest Night, when the year is coming to a close and the darkness invites us to go within, to step into the Between & see what comes forward to be transmuted in the shifting of the seasonal energies...

I have gone all the way to the back of the Womb~Cave, yet Mother Bear advises that there is more to the journey. All the way to the Center...

words

Over the weekend, one of my favorite Internet hang-outs transferred their message board over to a new forum. They announced this well in advance, and advised us to save anything we wanted to beforehand, because everything in the old forum would be inaccessible post-transfer.
So I thought about it for a moment - and realized the only thing I wanted to save was my e-journal, my "other blog," because it chronicled so much of my journey. This I have done, and now it's on my computer as a huge Word document.

During the uncertainty of the fires in October, when we weren't sure if we'd have to flee our homes at a moment's notice, mother & I agreed to pack the photo albums - and the big bag containing all of my journals, dating back to 1998, when I began to put pen to paper in order to write about the path I was walking back unto my*self.

As I consider releasing my grip on "attachment," I find that I am not ready to detach from my words. I want to preserve this journey of mine...partly so I can solidify those experiences which might otherwise slip out of my mind, partly so I can use this mother lode of Events Recorded to explain to others what I have done, and how I did it, so they can do it too.

One of my New Year's resolutions will be to read through all of my journals. I know this because I've had it on my list for two years now. This will be the third year. ;-)

It's interesting how I value my words over most of my material possessions...and how I value some of my words more than others. I have written several science-fiction stories, two of them full-length novels, yet I was perfectly willing to let them go over my journals.

To paraphrase - perhaps I've not yet begun to write.

shape-shifting

I've been reunited with another spiritual co-conspirator. :-D
V. channels Mary Magdalene, Kuan Yin, & Isis, among others. I notice that my shifting becomes easier when I'm around her, which is what happened last Saturday, during a beautiful full moon.
I briefly "lost" the capacity to speak English, but found it again later in the evening.

We had previously agreed to breakfast together on the Monday following. That would have been the start of this week. She asked if I would participate in a ceremony afterward, and I agreed.
It became more than that, though...it became an Initiation experience for her. I was singularly honored to attend, for I held space for her, and brought through some Information for her.

I did not leave her company unaltered.
I, too, have had things shift within me.
The muggle and the mystic don't seem as far apart anymore.
I find myself free of anxiety over what the Next Step will be, and when it will be.
I find myself in a place of calm ease. Serenity.
About bloody time, eh! ;-)

That's about all I can say at this moment.
I may be able to articulate things further later on...

Breaking the Silence

It's "only" been a month since I last wrote here, but so much has happened!

First, fire paid a visit to the county of San Diego. I walked with my brothers and sisters through the Crucible, and emerged (thankfully) unscathed. Ash & soot settled all around my house, and the evacuation lines were drawn mere blocks away from me, but I was never in any direct danger, Gods Be Praised!
The fires stirred up a lot of stuff that was buried deep, along with burning away many things that were no longer necessary, in many of us. I was blessed to attend a healing ritual mere days after the fires swept through, and were on their way to burning themselves out. Not only did I share my particular gifts with my sisters - not only did we come together to begin the healing process - but I began to see the Next Phase of my journey revealed unto me...

Two weeks after the fires visited, my pelvis locked up. I was introduced to a level of stillness that I had not experienced outside of having a head-cold and/or the flu. I gained a new level of gratitude for simply being able to walk, despite the extreme discomfort. I also gained a new level of gratitude for my chiropractor, who made me right as rain in two sessions (and my masseuse, who helped me release a lot of somatic tension afterward)!
While I was moving in kairos time, the biggest thing that jumped out at me was the energy of the "kept woman," she who surrenders a significant portion of her power/independence in order to get the sacred space she needs to work her magick. In some ways, I am that "kept woman," staying with my mother to give her the help she needs, while I am freed from worrying about paying rent on a house, utilities, etc. A part of me yearned deeply to cut these ties; I found myself asking the question, How badly do you want to be free?

So this past Thursday, I attended a "Life Vision" seminar presented by Michael Beckwith.
Let me just get this out of the way: He is HOT! With Charisma-Plus! Pity he's married! ;-)
Back to the seminar...I saw who I am to become, who I am becoming right now. When I asked what I was going to give up to real*I*ze this vision of my*self, the answer was direct & to the point: Attachment.
My immediate response: Oh shit! (lol)
So maybe I like where I am now, after all...but I have been promised that the rate of change will not be any quicker than I can handle.

So here is where I am:
My muggle job promises to remain interesting. You see, Special-K has hired a new executive gentleman, who we are calling "Oz," (so that will be his cover label here as well) who is straight from the Corporate World. Oz is attempting to introduce Order & Structure into an environment that has been rather, shall we say, "free form" in the past. There has already been resistance to his efforts - to the point of outright rebellion, as certain of his suggestions have been happily ignored by several of my coworkers.
For my part, I will be purchasing a copy of The Four Agreements for his perusal, and eventual implementation, in the hopes that the ideas presented by don Miguel Ruiz can help tame some the drama llamas, which are still running around!
Most of them center around one woman whom everyone else despises, to varying degrees. Notice I didn't include myself in that statement, for I kept my own counsel, and discovered the truth behind the hype. Personally, I think we shall get along infamously... ;-)
Oh yes, I've also begun to take an apache tear (a piece of obsidian) to work. Pity I didn't start doing this sooner! It's making all the difference in the Universe!!

As to the Real Work:
My Voice will be on a CD sooner, rather than later. I'm thinking after the New Year, after the holiday hype has quieted down.
I will be using my Voice as the centerpiece of a different kind of a healing circle, which I am going to activate in February. I will present my*self to the various metaphysical bookstores in the area and see who will host me.
Let Your Voice Lead the Way, I was told early this year. Now I'm finally ready to see where it will lead me...

thinking aloud...

(waving hello to the handful of peeps following my adventures from this viewpoint)

This journey has turned out radically different than how I first envisioned it.
I was going to jump into my shiny new life and blaze a trail to success and abundance on my terms, documenting every move I made in this little niche in cyberspace.

Instead...
I removed myself from everything for a while.
I journeyed outside my comfort zone to the other side of the world, and back again.

I remained still and silent, comparatively speaking, as radical changes were worked within me. Only now am I coming out of this metamorphic state.
Only now am I emerging from the crysalis, wings pumping, moving through the narrow opening set before me.

I thought I was completely done with working in the muggle world; but here I am, still going to a place of work outside of my home, still working shoulder to shoulder with other people, still witnessing drama llamas running amok - chaotically so, at times!
I have been reduced to scratching my head in bemusement...why can't we all just get along?
Then I see the answer: because the Shadows of each person are doing the talking - Shadows that are manipulated by deeply frightened little children within who lost their connection with Divinity, for one reason or another, long ago.

Can I work with these little children, help them find their way home, show them how to remove the Shadows around them so they can see the Light?
That's what I believe I'm being called to do, in various ways. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

And there is this blog itself.
Several times as of late I've sat down here to post about something, and the words do not come.
They do not want to come.
So perhaps I wasn't ready to share, or what was happening wasn't meant to be shared - at least, not here.
So I reconsider what I write here, and what I write there...and allow all of my words to make it out into the world, one way or another, as I release my concerns along the way.

Here, now, though, I believe the transformative phase is finally coming to an end.
Winter beckons me to rest in her embrace, wrapping me up in a nice warm soft blankie.
Perhaps now is the time to rest, allowing the changes that have been wrought within to settle into place.
Let me dream my way into my destiny, choosing a few things to start, or re-start, come the Spring.

I suspect I had to finish the Work within, before I could begin the Work without.
At last, the Work is done...and I am deeply and profoundly grateful for that fact.

Rick Springfield

I went with one of my dearest friends to see him Saturday evening at a local casino.
It's only the second concert I've ever attended. ;-)
He was also performing at the first concert I attended. (It was a great motivation to get a driver's license! lol)

It was his videos that captured my attention, that I went ga-ga over.
"Human Touch" made me sit up and take notice.
"Souls" was rather interesting.
"Love Somebody" & "Don't Walk Away" were nice...but it was "Bop 'Till You Drop" (the heavy duty sci-fi one) that really spoke to me, and came to me at a point in my life when I needed something outside of myself to focus on.
I was in junior high school, aka The Deepest Pit of Hell. Suffice to say, it wasn't pretty.
"BTYD" gave me a safe place to crawl into and explore, to create a story based on what had unfolded in five minutes on MTV. The story that arose from the video was the first one I chose to write down; I'm still working on it. (That may be the topic of another post down the line...)
From that point on, my ears were pricked for New Things About Rick.

Back to yesterday, and the concert.
He came out into the crowd and was less than five feet from where I was standing at one point. I must say, after all this time, he was still looking rather fine! Were it 1984 again, or even 1998, I would have tried very hard to touch him somehow, at least exchange a high-five. But here, in 2007, I was content to watch him pass by...while I wore a grin from ear to ear. :-D

I noticed other women, and even some men, whipped into an ecstatic frenzy as they watched the concert - dancing, singing along, screaming more often than not.
I noticed these feelings were absent in me, where once they would have been present.

It's times like this when I realize just how much I've changed since I've begun this metaphysical/spiritual journey. When a rock star produces a "merely" warm fuzzy feeling within.
Truth be told, I'd gotten more excited after attending a metaphysical lecture by Barbara Hand Clow the night before, because I could see how the future was falling into place, and the ideas, the Information that was coming to me, made me downright giddy, and practically skip into the house!
Okay, I'm threatening to digress wildly again... ;-)

Rick will always have a place in my heart, even if it doesn't beat as rapidly at the sound of his voice as it used to. Rock on, brother.

giving thanks

The fall equinox is the time when many following the Earth traditions have their "thanksgiving."
It is the second - and central - harvest of the season.

(yes, I know, I'm a little late) ;-)

So I thought I'd post a few things that I'm feeling thankful for:

~I am thankful for all the changes this year has brought to me, and is still bringing to me.
Though I will be honest, I will be happy when Winter arrives, for that is the traditional "slowing" down time. I plan to go into the cave with Bear and hang a Do Not Disturb sign on the astral door! (lol)

~I am thankful for my car.
I learned to drive later in life, and received my license at the "ripe old age" of 26. :-p I know what it's like to have to bum rides where you can - and I am elated at the freedom and independence having the license to drive a car gifts me. I make sure I take care of my car so he'll take care of me. ;-)

~I am thankful for my circle of close friends. They give me unconditional love & support...especially when I forget that I'm constantly receiving it from the Universe around me.

{and I may come back to this to post some more later}

sensitivity

Last week, they did a little repainting at the answering service.
I thought I was going to die.
I hadn't had a major reaction to paint before - but that was before I began my spiritual journey.
I drank a lot of water to clear myself out.
I'm back to "normal," now...

I find that "artificial" scents, for the most part, set me off.
For instance - mother loves "Bam," the super cleanser. I can't stand it.
She is courteous enough to wait until I've left, at least, before she uses it.

On the other side of the coin, "natural" smells set her off, where I have a greater tolerance for them.
As an example, she's always bugging me to clean out the litter box.
The metaphysical explanations for these things are food for thought...

And speaking of food:
She eats mostly bread these days.
I don't eat bread anymore. Or pasta. They contain gluten, which I have successfully reduced in my diet. Too much "glue" in gluten kept me bound to "lower" vibrations!
So it's kind of a Jack Sprat thing between us. ;-)

Physical sensitivity isn't the only thing that's been refined...
I mentioned at the outset of this blog, "dead people talk to me."
I sense someone coming by as a "disturbance in the Force." At first, I would feel vertigo within me. As I'm not fond of vertigo, I've asked for a different way for discarnate individuals to announce their presence. That's a work in progress at the moment.

I am beginning to see moments in time where realities split off.
Originally, this was as a result of a "near-miss" in my car. A well-timed step on the gas pedal got me out of what would have been a nasty accident...yet a significant part of my soul experienced that accident, where my car was T-boned. It took me about a day to regather my*self after that incident.
Not too long ago, I witnessed a near miss between two other cars - yet I "saw" the accident that "should have happened" unfold in an alternate reality.
This doesn't really unnerve me, since I am a science-fiction junkie ;-) and am familiar with the concept of alternate realities and "what-if's" that can alter the space-time continuum.
Still, for someone who was a Classically Trained Western Scientist and looked down her nose at the idea of "psychic abilities"...I'm not doing terribly bad, eh?

Balancing Act

After Monday evening, I was seriously re-thinking my choice about returning to the answering service.
Yes, the hours are good, the commute is good, and I get along with everyone there...but sometimes the energy there sucks hard donkey dicks, pardon my Swahili. If it's not the callers that get to me, it's the arrogant clients, who must think all of the operators are brainless.
As well, I like to eat leisurely, and not have to bolt down a mouthful of food just because a call rings in on my board. I also find myself ravenous during checkout (when clients turn their phones over to us and they go home for the day), and often after I get off work. I function best on a full stomach. These things cannot be healthy.

The lunar eclipse that took place Monday night/Tuesday morning was not helping the situation, either!!

Now, I have been experimenting with snacking mid-afternoon (on fruit & nuts) and waiting until after checkout to grab my dinner. This has helped.
I also sat down and did a cost/benefit analysis around the job. The costs matched up with the benefits pretty well down the line. Neither category was bigger than the other.
So I came to the conclusion that it was time to start walking my walk, since I was already talking the talk.
I set an intention that it would be a good day. I kept myself centered. I breathed deeply while I enjoyed my quick strolls around the building. And today passed infinitely better than Monday did.
Oh, there was an arrogant client, but I had fun with the situation today.

Today I chose to regard this job as a place to hone my spiritual practice still further.
I will choose this option again if and when I forget.

checking in

I come to realize that those parts I wasn't liking in myself, those parts that are emboldened to surface when I'm working my shift at the answering service, are the very parts I need to exploit in order to keep my sanity.

My job gives me opportunities to practice Absolute Acceptance with my*self, and deepen the self love that I have been practicing this year - both in allowing these "muggle" bits to flourish at work, and in giving myself the care I need outside of work. Right now, that "care" is consisting of mini-adventures...driving into the towns that border mine, and allowing myself to play turista, just exploring with no agenda, making note of interesting places to show any friends who might drop by to visit... :-)

More shifts are going on beneath the surface. I'm reading Barbara Brennan's Light Emerging right now, as a part of my ongoing Work. I can read a single sentence, and react to it, and feel things transforming within me - to where I have a completely different view in the space of a few minutes! More on that later, when things have had time to percolate...

And I say "yes" to it all, and hang no expectations on the outcome.

life, in progress

Recently I was hearing the little anxious voices...
"We still need to record that CD"
"We need to write that book"
"We need to read all of these metaphysical books"
"We need to create more"

et cetera

So I stepped back out of myself to look at the big picture
and I fully appreciated
how big a shift I've made in my life
from the start of the year
until now.

This has been one big re-invention, so far
and now I am moved to relax, to celebrate,
to ~p l a y~ in the world.

Allowing the path to unfold organically
Allowing myself to feel when the time is finally perfect
Allowing myself to Surrender into the Mystery of Life.

yes.
I can throw my (muggle) calendar away for good. :-)

Personal Responsibility

Where has it gone??

I find myself shaking my head in utter bemusement at the profound lack of it in those who call in to our client companies. Whatever happened to listening to your intuition? Whatever happened to getting out the old phone book, or hopping online to your favorite search engine, and finding the information yourself? Whatever happened to calling the person you're looking for, f'godssakes??

The people calling in for their doctors frightens me deeply - giving all of your power over to someone else to make the decisions for you and your body?! or your child's body?!? WTF?

Yes, it's cultural conditioning on the deepest level...between the fear-mongering that is running rampant today, and the subtle insistence of Letting "Them" Choose for You Because "They" Know You Better Than You Know Yourself.

Been there, done that, not going back again.

The awakened soul sees all the other souls sleepwalking, and desires more than anything to yell "WAKE UP!" at them. But alas, the whole tangled web of liability forces her to bite her tongue.

(still, it could be worse...instead of suing each other for difference of opinion, we could be shooting at each other... *insert shudder here*)

This is why I pray for World Enlightenment, instead of World Peace.
"Peace" for you may mean a very different thing than "Peace" for me.
Besides, once everyone can see what they're doing (in the Light), then everything is possible, including Peace.

le sigh. end of rant.

Honoring the Dead

The beginning of the harvest season is always a bittersweet one for me; with two exceptions, the deaths of loved ones have occurred in this month. So now I carve out some cyberspace to speak of those who have crossed, and remember them...

My father crossed in San Francisco on August 3rd, 1990. AIDS claimed his life. His passing seriously messed with my mind: I carried guilt around in my head for years, for not going to see him. I also shut my physical need for intimacy and ecstatic (sexual) union in a tiny closet, and kept it tightly locked away, for more than a decade. I let it loose from the closet a few years ago, but it is only now that I am seeing the full picture of my sexual self - and only now that I have finally released that guilt...by collapsing space-time and visiting him in hospice on the evening of the anniversary of his death.
(The energy of this day has had great effect upon me; just this year, I could sense how my energies were thrown off by what was running through/around me. I have used this annual vortex to make significant changes in my life in previous years - but that's a topic for another discussion. Call it another "loose end") ;-)

August 15th, 2004, one of my co-workers at the synagogue passed on. Her name was Evie. It was merely "old age" that came to claim her. I regarded her as a second grandmother, and doted upon her; I daresay she happily reciprocated. I will never forget her reaction on one December day when I brought her my mother's old office chair as a Channukah present and gifted it to her, because she had complained about the chair she was using at the time. Tears of astonished gratitude were in her eyes as she thanked me.
On the day we lay her to rest next to her husband, who had crossed over before I began working at the synagogue, I happed to look up and see a hawk circling overhead. I knew then that she had chosen hawk to be her totem...and whenever I saw two hawks flying in the sky above the synagogue, I knew she and her husband were soaring through Heaven together - and that they were winging by to say hello. :-)

Finally, there is August 17, 2003, and the passing of my original grandmother. She had completed her 95th year on this plane when she chose to cease struggling against death and surrendered to it instead. She was a power*full, yet gentle Leo, who doted upon me, the only child of the baby of the family. The relationship between her and my mother was not always copacetic, being that my mother is an equally fiery Aries (!), but it was always cordial. As we laid my grandmother to rest besides the grandfather I never knew (as he had crossed over from a heart attack before I was born), I saw her return in the totem of a butterfly. This after a week of observing her choose which totem she was going to assume.
She also came to visit me upon several occasions, post-crossing. Each time, she had released some more of the "chronological age" she had accumulated upon this plane, until she found an "age" where she was most comfortable in visitation. Bearing witness to her process helped me shed a lot of my fears surrounding death. For that gift, I am deeply grateful...

When my mother crosses over, I hope she does so in August, so I can keep all of these energy vortices in the same month. We shall see.

the nitty-gritty

Betimes, I find myself sitting in Judgment of the people who are calling our client companies during my shift. I wonder if some of them are blithering idiots. I know some of them are complete A-Souls.

Then I judge myself, for judging others. Get thee off of thy high horse! I chide myself. We are all swirling in the soup together, as SARK would say, and all that.

Judgment, insofar as I can tell, though, is a perfectly human trait. And if I am nothing else, I am perfectly human.

So I start considering - what does it mean to be "spiritual" and "enlightened," anyway?
I find myself looking at the current paradigm and find it wanting.
Forsaking the material~changing your life to reflect only light and fluffy clouds~all the asceticism and purification attached.

Star medicine, totally.
This Earth girl is subverting the paradigm. ;-)
Simply, really...to be Present, and In Joy with life.

All right, perhaps I can come in to work and hold the callers in Compassion, since I don't know the whats and whys in their lives.
But I reserve the right to call a spade a spade, if the idiot is blithering enough - for there are times in the month when I don't suffer fools at all.

Revision. Satisfaction.

Things changed when I went back to work on Monday.
Apparently there had been an "inaccuracy" in the work schedule. I actually have three days off: Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

A day to play. A day to run errands. A day to rest.
Very nice. :-)

Also, there is only one operator leaving for sure.
The others are staying (for now) and/or changing shifts.

So, crisis averted - which is always a good thing.

This, I can deal with far more easily...

Timeshift. Acceptance.

Well, the promises have been realized. The schedule has changed.
I wasn't happy.

I wasn't happy because they've made me into a full-time person. Uh, excuse me, but what part of "part-time" do y'all not understand??
And I have to wake up rfe - really freaking early - two days a week: Friday and Saturday. My fellow night-owls will shudder in sympathy, I'm sure. ;-)
I still have a "split" weekend...now I have Sunday and Tuesday off. Que quirky.

My initial reaction to this was annoyance, the "mother is being stubborn and resistant again" annoyance. I even, briefly, considered quitting the job and finding something that would actually honor my request for part-time work!
Two things, however, dissuaded me from doing that.
First, there's the turnover factor...two operators are leaving in short order, and at least one operator is following suit - perhaps as many as three. So they'll be short staffed - and, being the "highly ethical" woman that I am, I won't leave them in the lurch while they are. I'll wait until things settle down again before I revisit the possibility.
Two, and more importantly, there's the issue of my True Work. There's no CD yet. There's no book yet. Nothing I can bring forth in a coherent lecture yet. Only three real clients, with a possible fourth yet to be determined. (Somehow, I'd forgotten the assistance I'd provided "Lady K" with in January. Yup, she's a client too!)
Quite frankly, I can't make my Work my sustaining vocation in this moment. I haven't been motivated to move mountains in manifesting my dreams. Moving mountains in my own healing, though, has been going on this year...

So, instead of striking out again, I'm staying the course and considering my new options:
I still have Friday and Saturday evenings off, along with all Sundays. That, at least, Special-K honored when he redid the schedules, and I am grateful for it. These are the times when I plug in to my spiritual communities and restore my "sanity," however one chooses to define it. ;-)
Now I have Tuesdays off. Hm, perhaps that can be my new "play day." I am, after all, a mere 30 minutes from the ocean... :-)
I also see an invitation to reinvest time and effort into cultivating my dreams, then Work*ing to manifest them. The start of the Harvest season is right around the corner, after all...

I have become aware over these past few that I am not working on "my" timetable, but the Divine Timetable instead: Fallow rest-time in the spring, after freeing myself from the place I could not be anymore...Deep Healing time in the summer, to open my*self still further, to Receiving and Channeling Divine Love and Miracles. What will this fall bring me? Very exciting to consider!!!

If nothing else, I'll have more time to read and write at work. Maybe I can finally make some headway against the stack of books that are waiting patiently for me to open them and consume their stories. Ah, well, one can dream, right? ;-)

Thusly do I shift out of annoyance, and back into acceptance. C'est La Vie.

Loose Ends #1

I went back through my entire blog the other day and found a couple of spots where I said, "more on this later," and later hadn't turned into "now" yet...so here's a "now" for one of those loose ends.

Emptying out stuff. Processing Super Highly Intensive Transformations.

The first half of summer has seen me clearing out on the material level, moving into my DNA and finding old scars there - scars that my lineage has been carrying for centuries.
My father's ancestors were deeply affected by the Inquisition. It warped the ways that their descendants related to each other; parents, children, sibling, spouses, were all taught to stuff their true feelings, their true natures, deep within, lest they be found out, Judged, and killed.
There was a lot of their anger that I'd been carrying within me - anger at "the system" that demanded Conform*ation, Or Else.
It fell to me to find the source of this anger, this repression...and use my techniques of Spiritual Alchemy to transform the source, liberate the repressed. The wildest part of the process was removing a long string of stagnant, toxic energy from my third chakra; my scientific mind observed the extracted string and recognized it as a "tapeworm." It has since been destroyed and recycled into Grandmother Earth.

The second half of the summer has been devoted to clearing out on the energetic level, as I have contemplated the block I've had against Receiving Love Generously, and manifesting a partner in this life.
I have found wrapped around this block a significant portion of Mom-Energy. Not terribly surprising since, a) I live with her, and b) she carried me in her womb as I was forming the body I am using in this lifetime.
In acknowledging her energy as separate from my energy, and releasing the bits of energy that have ceased to be of service, I have defined the exact nature of this block - a Defense Mechanism Against Loss.
I have also found the origins of this mechanism in two separate incidents, both related to Loss:
Loss of my sovereignty, when a piece of my soul was torn from me (between lifetimes) in a direct violation of my free will;
Loss of one whom I loved so deeply, I almost did not recover from the passing.
Thusly have I been keeping folks at arm's length, not letting anyone get close.

The material clearing was easier, in a sense, than the astral clearing. I am still in a healing phase with the latter.
I am en*couraging myself to move past the hesitation and open myself unto Receiving.
I am remembering that Divine Love fills me now and always...and is something I can count on, regardless of whatever else is going on in my life.
And in both of these journeys, I am very grateful to have the assistance of a wonder*full, intuitive masseuse, who co-creates Radical Transformation with me, and is happy to do so.
If you come across this in the near future, lovely one, I bow to you and say, Thank You, from the bottom of my heart. :-) <3

Being Helpful

There's one place I want to work on this, and one place where I'm just fine where I am...and they both have to do with my workplace.

Where I want to work on this is when I'm talking to someone on the phone, and I'm sympathizing with the caller. I want to help them reach the person they want to speak to right away!
Problem with that - we're answering the phones for our clients. They all have very explicit directions with who they want to talk to, and when they want to talk to them. Many don't want to be bothered with anything except emergencies after hours. This, of course, can lead to discrepancies...what I call an "emergency" might not be what a client would call an "emergency."
My point is: I need to sound a little less helpful on the phone, and work within the guidelines that the clients have provided to us. When it comes down to it, though, I'd rather be "too" helpful than not helpful enough - there are plenty of operators who just answer the calls, and let them sit there, doing nothing with them. Follow-up, people! ;-)

Where I'm just fine in my capacity to be helpful is tied to my Work:
One of my co-workers called recently because I would "be the only one who would understand this, and not think I'm going crazy." She had a visitation the other night from a canine spirit. It doesn't fit in with any dog she'd had, or any dog her partner had owned. I advised her to go ahead and ask the dog why it was there - couldn't hurt, now, could it?
Another reason, revealed unto me, as to why I've returned...to help soothe startled nerves and provide the one explanation that might be way outside the box, but fits to a tee. :-)

1,001 Stories

Today I went to Balboa Park with a friend of mine.
We visited the Mingei Museum.

It was a most interesting experience...from the moment we began our official tour of the museum, I was picking up the "stories" behind many of the objects on display. It was a day of psychometry!

A sampling of some of what I picked up:
~There was a very large woven Apache basket. I saw it filled to the brim with corn during a harvest celebration. Each member of the tribe took a handful of corn and used it to make special cakes that were consumed with the onset of Winter.
~Another large woven basket, this one from Mexico, was used to hold sweetbread during a Pan de la Vida (Bread of Life) ritual.
~There was a painted (Italian) pony cart depicting the arrival of Cortes in the New World. I saw it carrying either an effigy or a young boy in an elaborate costume during a parade.
(then we went upstairs to gaze upon the jewelry!)
~I walked through an array of Tibetan caps/boxes worn around the neck and heard the monks and priests chanting. I thought of my friend D., who had purchased a box that she'd owned in a previous lifetime.
~There was a necklace from Yemen that had been worn by a priest who taught an interesting mix of Kabbalah and Islam.
~I saw an elaborate headdress that had been worn by the bride-to-be of a sheikh in Saudi Arabia. She was being taken to the Temple in a screened carriage that was carried by two strong men. Rose petals were scattered on the path before them.
~There was a very simple necklace consisting of a green jade disc with a hole in its center, suspended on a black silk cord. I knew it had been used by a Japanese/Hawaiian doctor as a pendulum in her practice. Don't tell anyone, but I used the Force to make it move, ever so slightly - twice!
~I passed between necklaces worn by Native Americans, and heard the drums pounding, and the medicine men chanting around the fire.
~There was a "femur" from Northern Africa. (It looked nothing like a bone, btw.) I saw it being worn as a belt by a very wealthy Caliph who had been born to Kabbalist parents, and had used the Numbers to rise in power and status. He gifted this belt to his Beloved when he was upon his deathbed.
~I stopped at an "amulet necklace" from North Africa as well. It had been worn by a Wise Woman, a Priestess of Oshun. She had cast bones for divination; she could send hexes and remove them as well. She was very power*full.

And then there was the portion of the museum where various items from China, Japan, Thailand, and Tibet had been gathered. I sat there for a few minutes and felt "right at home." Things that make you go hmmm, eh?

I think I'm going to do this more often. This was a fascinating experience!

Reasons...

Heidy-ho.
I've been processing a LOT of inner stuff for the past little bit; I'll save that for later.

In between all this processing, reasons as to why I've been led back to the answering service have started to arise...

First, apparently I was a case of Divine Intervention. I had experience, they were desperately needing someone with experience - and half a brain - to answer their phones. Synchronicity. :-)

Second, they're seriously in need of a heavy dose of The Four Agreements. Yes, as in don Miguel Ruiz. Too many drama llamas shuffling about in the background, just waiting to cause scandals and "forcing" people to leave. :-p I'm working up the chutzpah to speak to "Special-K" (the owner) about doing a quick presentation of TFA in the next staff meeting. We're damn good right now. With a helping of Synergy, we could be outrageous. Since it's all but impossible to do one of those group retreats - someone has to answer the phones, after all! - this might be the next best thing...

Third, and perhaps most important in this moment: I re-connected with one of my former co-workers, who is now working for one of our clients. She was the daughter of a mother-daughter team who answered the phones together during my first "tour of duty." ;-) It seems that her mother has fallen on hard times, health-wise, and is undergoing a Healingway journey. In the very near future (hopefully this weekend!) I will connect with Daughter and offer my services to Mother. If she adored me half as much as I adored her, my presence alone should be a very help*full tonic! :-)

Stay tuned, friends...

First Fruits from the Work (!)

Momentous day today on the Work front - that is, the Spiritual career, the reason I have only a part time (muggle) job right now and intend to keep it that way, tyvm! ;-)

In April I began work with a woman who was facing spinal surgery and was very concerned about it, in specific, and about her life, in general. Her actual surgery will be this Tuesday. I've gently been inviting her to think outside the box about her life and her surgery. Today I did the procedure before the procedure, in a sense...doing some "psychic surgery" on her spine to remove those parts that were ailing. When the physical equivalent is done two days hence, the recovery should go well, all things being equal.

After the ritual I stayed and answered some questions, for her and for her partner. Said partner has also expressed an interest in working with me on her issues; we set an initial date for this next Friday. :-)

This comes a few days after I answered a call for help (advise-wise) that was put out in one of my Internet groups. This woman liked my emailed response, so we arranged to talk on the phone. I will be meeting her in person next Sunday, if all goes according to plan.

My cultivating begins to pay off. Two new clients in three days!
In deepest gratitude, I say unto the Universe, "YES! I Accept!"

The Dance of Time

I'm really into the groove now. The structure has set and is solid and firm.

It is funny how fluid time has become...
When I am not at work, I am in kairos time, the simple time, the easy time.
When I am at work, time shifts on me, speeding up. I shift smoothly with it into chronos time and find myself moving almost as fast as inspiration traveling through my neurons. The neurons still outpace me though, at times; just listen and laugh when I try to say the tag-line for a company and trip over my tongue because it momentarily disconnected from my brain! ;-)
Yet the moment I get into my car, start him up, and drive out of the parking lot, I am back into kairos time. It slows down to its previous pace, even when I'm zipping down the freeway at 70 mph.

On the one hand, I'm glad I didn't lose the ability to move at the speed of life during my fallow period. I'm glad I can speed myself up and slow myself down with grace and ease.
On the other hand, though, an old bad habit of mine is dropping by and trying to wiggle its way back into my life: impatience. When I'm moving at the speed of life, I'm expecting everyone else to keep up, and allowing myself to get frustrated now and again when they don't keep up. The Universe has observed this, and has sent my way some very powerful lessons to help me remember to slow down, even in the hyperactive times, and pay attention to who I am and what I'm doing. Two of these lessons have occurred within the last few days, on the freeway, where the temptation to be in Hyperactive mode is sorely tempting. Both times I've had to exert some major Power to keep myself in the reality where I don't wreck the car! So I am very thankful that my car is still in one piece - and I learn the lessons, taking a deep breath more often to slow down, recenter, and remember to exercise the Patience I acquired during the spring!
(You see, I am an adrenaline junkie. A part of me gets a rush from being on the razor's edge of time. I must remember that I don't need to be on that edge all the time, and step back from the edge when necessary.)

As within, so without...the larger dance of time is unfolding as well. Spring has moved into Summer, which is reaching is midpoint and kicking into high gear. Tank-top and shorts weather at last! - outside of work, at least. ;-)
And, outside of work, I am invited again to exercise patience. A good friend of mine is shifting herself in huge ways right now. Once she has finished her shifting, she is re-opening her spiritual center and re-extending the invitation to walk the path of spirit with her. I call her a friend; she has also been a mentor to me as I have explored within myself and accessed my psychic gifts. I am advised by my guides to wait for her, before I take any radical steps forward.
So in this "empty" space, I find myself shifting as well. I find myself clearing out toxic wounds I have been carrying in my DNA for centuries. I find myself drawn to Reiki, and beginning to practice it after receiving a spontaneous attunement while receiving a massage. I find myself reorganizing my images and placing them into a new accordion file, which will go into the bottom drawer on the left hand side of my former writing desk, soon to be my new Creation Center.
I also find myself writing again, both at work (in a little blue notepad) and at this very computer. Original material flows out of my hand at work; revision of one of the first stories I wrote trickles out of my fingers at home. Both stories are connected by a handful of key characters and an interesting speculation that sent me off on a wonderful tangent...

I find myself in a cultivating phase. Many things are growing right now, the branches becoming heavy with fruit. The harvest this year promises to be glorious... :-)

eyes on the prize

Every week I work with a couple of card decks - Sonya Choquette's Ask Your Guides and Doreen Virtue's Goddess Guidance decks - to "give" readings to myself. Both of them brought up keeping focused on my goals. I recently acquired Monte Ferber's Karma Cards and added them to the mix...and they echoed the readings I'd already drawn for myself.

Keep your eyes on the prize, the Universe is telling me. And I know where it's coming from:
There is the temptation to let work take over my life again, to put all of my energy into the J.O.B. and not leave time for anything else to get done. My goal is to have the work be my foundation, my equilibrium point that gives me the opportunity to pursue the Important Work and not have to worry about the bills. I write this in part to help me remember this... ;-)

So I managed to tweak my schedule a little bit to my advantage. I work 27 hours a week now. Much better for me!! :-D Now I can contemplate my next step(s)...

Consolidating my Creativity

I've referred to the main room of my home as my ersatz art studio. I collage as a serious hobby, and I like to collect images from magazines and catalogs and calendars, various odds and ends of ribbon, paper scraps, assorted stickers, and the occasional Found Object. Little by little, the prima facie of my creative impulses spreads out in the main room, taking up more & more space... :-O

Peter Walsh, one of the current de-cluttering gurus, was on Oprah the other day. Among other folks, he helped a woman tame her collection of scrapbooking supplies into something infinitely more manageable. One neuron struck another in my mind, and I looked over to the writing-desk against the western wall. I could very easily make it the center of my creative operations, I thought to myself.

So I emptied it out, one drawer at a time. A grocery bag now stands beside it, filled with decks of playing cards, not-terribly-used, entirely-unused and never-to-be-used Post-It notes and memo pads, and untouched stationary sets. All will be relocated to good homes. ;-)

I've integrated the snail-mail materials that I've used into the collection of snailing materials we already possess, categorized everything, and placed them in their own labelled bags. I reserve the right to take unused cards and incorporate them into my own collage/artwork.

All I need now is one, possibly two, accordion files to hold my images. Once I've secured those, my creative work will fall into harmonic organization. A trip to Staples or Office Depot is on my event horizon... :-)

Remembering Fluidity

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I returned to the answering service.
During these two weeks, it occurred to me: I did ask the Universe, at the start of the year, how best I could Be Of Service. And the Universe responded by guiding me back here, to a place where I can, literally, serve.
So I have a schedule, and am allowing things to fall into place around it.
I acknowledge that I need the structure in my life. I need a frame to work off of, to create my life around it.

In total, I will be working 31 hours a week. Yes, that's only an hour less than where I was at the synagogue. BUT - here's the big difference - I don't have to be "on point" all the time. I don't have to keep artificially busy, lest the rabbi walks by and complain that I'm not working enough! :-p When there are quiet times, and there are, I can read...or even better, write.
That was the one thing I liked about working at the service in the past: I had time to write. A lot. It will be nice to get back into that flow.

And the list anxiety is beginning to crop up again, as in, ohmigod, I want to do a-b-c-d-and e today, but I'll be lucky if I get to b. Shit damn balls...I'm falling behind again.
Falling behind in whose opinion, love?

Let me take the grace*full ease in living that I cultivated during my fallow time and apply it here, now, as the speed of life begins to pick up again. Let me reassure myself that all will happen in the fullness of time, at the perfect time, and in a timely fashion. I am moving exactly at the pace I am supposed to.

Besides, barring the Four Horsemen riding through the service, I've accomplished my top goal:
my Fridays are completely free, and my Saturday evenings are free as well. I also have Sunday off...and since I don't have to work until the afternoon, I can open up Sundays to play too. :-)

I exercise patience, and allow the Mystery to unfold at my feet, one day at a time.

Post-Orientation Thoughts

Training proper will actually begin on Monday.
All the doubts and concerns vanished the moment I walked through the door. It felt like a homecoming, believe it or not. :-)

The tricky part will be to see if I can get the hours I really want.
I have an idea of what I want to work. They, of course, have a different idea of what they want me to work. ;-) So I'll see what I can get - or what I'll have to take until I get a bit of seniority under my belt. My biggest concern is to keep Friday and Saturday evenings free, for that's when most of my spiritual stuff takes place.

The negotiation of structure...it will be a challenge, and a great barometer to see how assertive I've become. Once I have the basic structure in place, then I can arrange other things around it: the spiritual work, the housework, and the fun stuff.

This, though, I have put high on the priority list: I will have scheduled my first CD recording session by the end of the month.

Amazing, what floats to the surface...

Today I start at my new/old job. ;-)

Stuff has been floating to the surface between Tuesday and today...
Past memories. Past fears. Past feelings of being small and power*less.

I am remembering who I was twelve, eleven years ago.
Or perhaps it's, she's insisting on being remembered.

Looking back, I can see all the changes that have occurred to me between then and now: Getting my driver's license. Finding faith. Going within and bringing Light into the dark places. Healing and growing into a Luminous Woman of Spirit.

I remember who I was, and I hold her in love.
I whisper into her ear, it's all going to be okay.
Then I release her with gratitude, once more.

I put the emphasis on PAST.
A girl left that job once upon a time.
A woman returns to it.
So Mote It Be.

Why It Pays NOT to Burn Your Bridges

I went back to the answering service today.
Three of the people there recognized me.
They were pleasantly surprised. :-)

I took their tests and passed with flying colors.
I was hired on the spot.
Orientation starts Thursday.

No, it's not the highest paying of jobs, especially to start, but it's better than nothing - which is what I'm contributing to the household income right now.
Yes, I would still need to work one Saturday or Sunday per week - but you know what? I can live with that. It's only for a few hours, and I am flexible enough to do that.

There will be opportunities to rise in pay.
There may be opportunities to custom tailor a schedule for myself down the line.
Or maybe things on the spiritual end will take off, and I won't need to... ;-)

It feel really damn good to be hired on the spot, I will say that. (lol)
Now I can see how this new structure unfolds in my life, and build around it.
Now I feel I can begin to move forward again... :-D

Here's a possibility...

I was looking through the want-ads and I recognized a phone number.
It was an ad for an answering service I worked at eleven years ago.
Seems they're looking for a few good operators again.

The ad mentioned part-time openings.
I'm considering returning back there, to see if it would be a good fit.

Eleven years ago, I left them because I found a job closer to home, offered by the same folks who were my first employers. I needed to switch jobs because, at that time, I didn't have a car - or a license to drive one.

Now I have the license, and the car.
Now I wouldn't be beholden to anyone else to take me to work and pick me up.
Of course, that's not the only thing that's changed in my life. Suffice to say I've done a LOT of growing up since that job, those years. ;-)

The biggest minus was the hours...I worked weekends back then, but not happily.
They might be looking for someone who can do weekends again.
Then again, they might not. I wouldn't know until I asked.

I'm going out tomorrow for another career fair anyway.
Maybe I'll stop by on the way home and say hello...

From the Job Huntress ;-)

This is the first week of "redoubled effort" to secure a source of steady income. It's practically a job in and of itself! (lol)

~I answered more ads. I secured an interview, but I'm going to turn down a second interview if I'm offered one. The hours are a few too many, and the locale is a wee bit too far away, and they made some rumblings about relocating even further away. So I'm going to take a deep breath and stick to my guns about finding Part-Time work, unless the job is very close to home.
~I attended a career fair and found several leads. After doing some Internet research, though, only one of the leads looks promising at this moment: yes, it's a staffing agency, but they mention part-time work. Well, I've got a career fair to go to next Monday, and the agency isn't too far from the fair, so I'll see about killing two birds with one stone...
~I've also visited my local career center/EDD/Job Placement place. Some interesting feelings have come up around this, as I filled out the application and attended the subsequent orientation: I feel like I'm cheating the folks who "really need" to use this center out of an opportunity to find employment for themselves, like my college degree somehow exempts me from using this center as a bona fide resource.
Is this a case of reverse entitlement? Or is it wounded pride trying to divert attention from the fact that it's actually wounded?

So I shall convince myself that I am no more or less worthy of receiving assistance from any and all sources, and plunge back into the job jungle...

Lessons & Checking In

Here are some of the things I am learning during my "sabbatical" from the muggle world:

~I need to practice patience to allow the dreams to unfold on their own.
~...But all the patience in the world means diddly-squat without action to back it up.
~I come to acknowldege: I need some structure in my life. Otherwise, the temptation to do "nothing" becomes very great.
~That said, this unstructured fallow time has been just what my soul has needed to release the Time-Anxiety I'd been carrying around.

~I have much more stuff than I actually need, or use regularly.
~Some of the stuff is easy to release; other stuff is very difficult, if not impossible (right not) to let go of. Case in point: I can clean out my closets, kitchen cupboards, bookshelves, etc. without a problem. But the thought of clearing out my storage shed - which currently houses my model horse collection, among other things - makes my stomach contract in near hysterical anxiety. :-(

~I am "reviewing" the concept of boundaries, and what constitutes healthy boundaries. I am becoming more assured about saying yes to some things, and no to other things.

~I am not "wandering around the clock" as I thought I would. Once, I thought if I didn't have to go to work, I'd go to bed whenever I felt like it, and awaken again whenever I felt like it. Nope - I'm still keeping regular waking and sleeping hours...just later than I did when I was working regularly.
~And on that note, I seem to have weaned myself away from needing an alarm to wake me up! I tell myself I need to awaken at a certain time - and lo! I rise and shine at that time, if not a few minutes earlier! :-D

~I am more conscious about how I'm spending my money. I find I don't really need to eat out once a week. I find myself waiting to buy things, like music CD's, until after I return to the state of steady income. I'm also becoming more selective at which metaphysical events I'm attending - the cheaper, the better.
~The Universe is stepping in to assist me in some cases: when I really want to attend something, I am shown a low/no cost way to attend. :-D

As spring shifts into summer, so the gentle resting time begins to yield to a more active creative time. I am planning on stepping up my job searching so I can get that part-time job and not have to return to full-time hours. That's the one bad thing about temp work: the assignments may be only a week or two in length, but the hours would take up most all of the day.
I'm also going to be concentrating on what Spiritual things I can offer, besides the Songs, and see if I can't get something organized Sooner, instead of Later.
Just need to remember to keep spots open for down-time, and fun-time... ;-)

Field Notes

Time to hie my way back here and update a few things for the peeps who might actually be reading this... ;-)

The job hunt has been going steady this month. The Universe presents me with many possibilities to choose from! :-D

I'm holding out for a part-time job. I want the consistent income, yes, but I also want to keep some of this bounty of time that I have received. Now, if a full-time job comes along that is very close to home, I'll seriously consider taking it. I want to avoid "insane" commuting if at all possible.

Initially, I was avoiding answering any ads asking for "Accounting" or "Bookkeeping." I'd had enough of that Secret Society and was ready to move on. As I've gone farther into the hunt, I've realized, well, it is a part of my skillset - and if an ideal job comes my way that involves that skillset, I'd be a fool not to try for it! So I open myself up to these possibilities as well.

Meantime, I've put my business cards into full effect. I rarely miss an opportunity to hand one out. ;-) They have been an excellent investment, as they stimulate conversation and plant the seeds of possibility in people's minds. When the time comes for someone who can help out with that necessary spiritual work...

I'm also getting close to finding a place to record my first CD! :-D Just need to wait for a few things to fall into place first (like the consistent income!) and then I'll be ready to go.

I've also been writing like a fiend - getting some of the Channeled Information out of my head and onto paper! Now, I am only concerned with writing it down; later, I can massage it a little so that it's more easily read and understood. Messages from the Collective, or wherever else, are rarely grammatically correct as they come through. ;-)

(So, I've come back and finished the entry. Later I'll get into some other things...)

The Holy 2x4 of Enlightenment

...has struck me smack between the eyes. Hard.

I thought the amount of money my mother receives every month would be sufficient enough to support me as I launched my dream spiritual career. There are two problems with that hypothesis:
One, I haven't done a lot of movement on the dream career front. Sure, I have cool new business cards, and some excellent resources at my fingertips, and there has been some actual movement forward in this dream. But it's taking its time coming together - and quite frankly, I haven't put a lot of effort into rapid realization. I've been creating like crazy, yes...but nothing directed out into the world, or concerning my place in it.
Two, and more importantly, I sat down with the numbers recently. I had intended to prove my mother wrong, that we had sufficient funds and nothing to worry about. No matter how much I massaged the numbers, though, I couldn't make my case. She was right - numbers don't lie.
Ouch.

So, as of today, I begin the job hunt. Something nice and part-time, so I can get a little regular income while I put effort into my dream spiritual career, and allow it to grow and bear fruit. In truth, I was expecting a month-old sapling to produce the kind of crop a healthy years-old fruit tree would, Right Now.

The old ego took this realization really hard.
Before, she was convinced that I simply needed to voice my request to the Universe, then sit back and wait. Next morning, voila! Instant shiny happy life! The Universe provides to those who are worthy, right?
After, she was convinced my dreams would never see the light of day. I had lost the battle and would become another hopless drone in the Matrix. Then she went down in flames. Denial is truly de river that flows through Africa. ;-)

Once the sting of the Holy 2x4 had faded, I checked in with myself:
The dreams are just fine, thank you. I simply need to give them some time and room to grow.
And figure out what is still so hesitant to move forward in a spiritual direction...

Lovely Day, Lovely Times

Had my date at the Philosophical Libary today. It was their "grand reopening" (although they've been open for a few months at the new locale already) and I volunteered my services as a reader and a Singer.
It was one of those days where everything clicked. The readings were all spot on. The Singing impressed the pants off several people. I reconnected with several old friends and made several new friends as well. I received a few reciprocal readings, which confirmed many of my suspicions. I even made a little money from donations. :-)

Don't tell anyone, but I'm loving being "unemployed" at the moment. Yes, I'm getting harangued on a regular basis by my mother, but for once, I'm not letting it get to me - too much. ;-)

I am learning new appreciation for these days of freedom!

Authenticity, Now! YES!!

This year, I chose to re-read my Sarah Ban Breathnach books concurrently.
She writes her books so that you can do that. :-)

I first read - and wrote in - her Simple Abundance Companion in 2003. Even, then, I was yearning to leave the muggle job world. As I reread her words and my words, it hit me:
I've done it.
I'm living the Authentic Life I craved for soooo very long, Right Now!
(I did a little happy dance when I realized this)

I tell those who ask that I'm taking a "sabbatical" from working.
I'm not telling them, though, that it might very well become a permanent one. ;-)

Now, should circumstances dictate it necessary, I will get myself a job to support myself until my spiritual endeavors become large enough to support me. But there is no rush at all, and perhaps this move won't even be necessary.
I savor this moment deeply...

Business Cards

Recently, while I was talking to my friend P., I mentioned the three things that I would need for any new endeavors of mine: business cards, a website, and a cell phone. This blog you're reading right now would be the first step towards my own website. :-)

The cellphone has yet to manifest into my life, but as for the business cards...
I was still working at the synagogue when I made this proclamation. A few days later, one of our graphics vendors came by to drop off some business cards with the new logo. He said they were for everybody. Yeah, right, I thought at the time - for I assumed "everybody" meant "senior staff," and if you weren't senior staff (which I wasn't), you got squat.
So I looked in the box, and lo! This time, "everybody" really meant everybody!
I got my own business cards!!
I burst out laughing, for although it was fabulous that I finally had my own cards, I was going to be leaving the synagogue very soon! Be careful what you wish for, indeed! I made a note to myself: must be very specific when requesting manifestations! ;-)

So what does this have to do with anything?
I just made my own business cards...for FREE. I only have to pay for shipping & handling. They are going to look fantastic. They are going to be accurate. They are going to be Authentic!

Here's the gratuitous plug for their website: www.vistaprint.com.
I'm bubbling with excitement right now. A key component made manifest! WHOOHOOO!

Unveiling...

So - it's been a week since I've returned home.
I made something of an effort to secure work, but it's consisted of registering with one temp agency. That's it.
See, the thing is, I don't want to return to the muggle working world. Really.
So much so, the level of resistance has been a bit surprising. It got my attention.
I sat with the resistance and saw the genteel Shadow. I listened to the resistance, and saw the true nature of my reluctance...

I have self-identified with rational, active, "masculine" energies for so long, feeling something else within me felt alien and (initially) unrecognizable. For the first time, I'm truly in an intuitive, receptive, "feminine" space. Whoa...!
This aspect of me could care less about the world, its activities, and its rules. This aspect of me gives thanks for what I have Right Now, and hears the call to Deepen.
"Settle" just isn't the right word.
This aspect of me wants to look within and bring forth what I see in material form - to Create, in other words.

Well, here is my biological clock going off, just not in the usual way.
I don't want to have babies. I want to write stories and paint pictures and collage and commune with my stone friends, the trees in my complex, the crows and the cats and the koi fish on the coast. I want to sit on the beach, or walk in the woods, and connect on the really deep levels.
(I see this, in a flash of insight, just now: I am preparing for the shamanic work yet to come!)

This impulse becomes Shadow when it interferes with my life, turns my resting time into sticky inertia.
So you don't want to go back to the muggle world, eh? So you just want to Create, eh?
So, let's CREATE!
...which is exactly what I started doing yesterday, continued today, and will likely rejoin tomorrow! HA!!
:-)

Now What?

After I quit my job, I refrained from actively seeking new employment, or making any significant movement towards manifesting my dreams, because there was a major trip coming up for me at the end of February/start of March: a nice "little" holiday in Australia.

I returned home this past Thursday. I'm still processing the whole experience, not to mention three rolls of film and a bunch of digital pictures. ;-) I will be sharing some of my thoughts about the whole excursion in the near future...

It was interesting, though, on the train trip home - Okay, the big adventure has come and gone. Now what?

In a sense, this is the point where I am starting from scratch. Nothing huge on the horizon to look forward to, to put all my energies into.

I had one poker in the fire already: my engagement at the Philosophical Libary on the 25th. The Universe then presented to me a woman asking for my services as a Priestess, not 48 hours after my return! :-o Excellent! (Of course, I have accepted.)
I perused the want-ads in today's paper, and found two opportunities right off the bat. Tomorrow will also be a good time to put together (finally!) my job manifestation board.

Now what?
Now the fun really begins. :-)
Now I return to full engagement with the life I have Here & Now.

And an ending...

Today is my last day of "freedom," so to speak.
Tomorrow I begin taking some significant steps of visualization with a dreamboarding session.
Sunday I trot halfway around the globe!
I get back Thursday, 3/8. Then I'll have to act like a (semi) responsible adult and start actualizing these dreams of mine - and maybe earn some money to keep mom happy, or at least sane. ;-)

It was a good month to go inward and clear space for my*self.
Now it's time to flip the energies around and move outward...

After Clearing...

The pile of stuff to distribute gets smaller and smaller. :-)
I have created the vacuum; now I can consider how best to fill it...

I knew I needed to quit the muggle job in order to move on to the next phase of my life, but I had no idea what that looked like. Now, with the clutter vanishing, I am beginning to see - and more importantly, feel - my end goal, who I am striving to be.

I manifest my future as a Singer, storyteller, perhaps as a channel and/or medium, definitely as a priestess and bodhisattva. Betimes, though, I get anxious, wanting to be that Luminous Woman of Spirit right now, and not entirely sure of where I should begin!

Over this last new moon, I received the message: Let your Voice lead the way.
Yes. The Songs. That is ready to go right now; the rest can fall into place afterwards.

Okay. So now I have a starting point.

My Nose Runneth Over

One minor drawback to massive and rapid de-cluttering:
It can kick up a TON of Dust!

I happen to have nasal allergies: if it blooms or sheds, or comes off of something that blooms or sheds, I'm allergic to it. I sneeze a lot (and these aren't dainty feminine sneezes, either) and go through many many tissues. The sound I make in blowing my nose can raise the dead, so loud and piercing it is! ;-)

I've been decluttering for a little over two weeks; thusly, I've been doing a really good Darth Vader imitation for a little over two weeks, trying to get enough oxygen into my body through my damn congested nose - that is, when it's not doing its best Niagara Falls imitation! :-p
I know it's just allergies because, 1) my throat isn't sore...which would indicate post-nasal drip and presage a cold; and, 2) whenever I leave the house for any length of time, my nose clears out, and I can breathe much more like a normal human being.

Help is at hand, however - I found the Breathe Right nasal strips at last!
They might not look like much, but they really work!
We've also got some Chinese herbs en route that are touted to help nasal allergists like myself; I can't wait to get my hands on them! :-D

Side note: OTC drugs and/or prescription drugs are NOT options. My body won't accept them anymore, if they even worked in the first place!!

At the base of "The Wall"

I hit the wall recently, or rather, brushed up against it.
Not a physical wall, but the metaphoric one - you know, when you're going full-bore and BAM! suddenly you find yourself in a stuck place. Here's where I was sticking:

*I chose a life purpose to "help people"~then I received a ton of messages from the Universe to let other people be. WTF??

*I released many old receipts, recycling many, setting aside many more to shred~and found myself actually depressed afterwards.

*I felt old, familiar resentment towards my mother and her "meddling." Why can't she leave me well enough alone?

Hello, Wall...

The first goes back to the "Lightworker's Ego" I mentioned last time. The partner of one of my dear international Internet friends put it thusly: "...and the problem with spirituality sometimes is that (it) becomes a bit religiony and starts judging where other people are at because they aren't on the same journey."
YES! I see myself in this space. So let this be an opportunity for me to practice Compassion, sending comforting thoughts to those struggling in Shadow, but holding onto Advising unless specifically asked. I put this into my spritual toolbox for future reference.

The second, now, is something rather interesting. I see how much I had invested in these receipts, how much of ME I had put into these piles, these little slips of paper. As I release these papers, I release a part of ME - and I now stop and acknowledge how frightening this is.
Does the snake tremble a little as it sheds its skin?
I can race through my house, decluttering like a madwoman, releasing many material things. But when I think of going through the storage shed outside, in the patio...ah, then I stop in my tracks, and feel my belly contract in anxiety. So when I come to the shed, I must proceed slowly, with great care, and be willing NOT to release if I don't feel ready to release.

And the third...
I live with my mother. It is by mutual choice. She will need a caregiver eventually, and I have agreed to be her caregiver. (I agreed to this before I arrived on this plane.) In return, I am free from worrying about paying for rent, or a mortgage. Most of the time, we get along famously - but we are operating from differing paradigms. I am of a metaphysical bent, and she is not (at least, not nearly as much as me).
Let us say she has a greater need for financial security and stability than I do. Let us also say that we have differing opinions on housekeeping. Her modus operandi is to remind me to do something, or to follow up on what I have said I would do, on a regular basis until I DO IT, whatever it is. I call it "nagging." ;-)
So I needed to return to myself, re-examine my agenda, reassure myself that all was proceeding exactly as it should, and remember that compromise and negotiation are possible...if I vocalize where I am and what I need to do.

Honor my*self, above all else.
The rest will fall into place.

Unsent Letters - and Discoveries

This is one of the spiritual tools I use often:

If there's someone in your past/present you feel very negatively about, you write that person a letter - doesn't have to be on fancy letterhead or with a nice pen. You allow all the words you really want to say to flow through your hand and onto the paper, no censorship, no worries about grammar or spelling. You JUST WRITE, and vent your spleen onto the paper. Then you take the letter and place it into an envelope. You can address the envelope if you wish. Then (and this is the important part) you Destroy the Letter, either by burning it or by ripping it into little pieces. You have spoken your truth and you have let that person go.

I don't remember where I saw this, but I tried it...and it SO works. It gives me a safe place to Speak My Truth and be heard. Then I burn the letters when I am ready to release them, and I can release the toxic emotion that I've been carrying within me. :-D

I found myself needing to write an Unsent Letter to S., my former co-worker. I intended only to write one letter - I wound up writing *four* letters, and only two of them were to (former) co-workers. The other two were for people I needed to speak my truth to in other areas to my life.

Some interesting things came up during and after I wrote those letters:
~I found myself encountering what I call "Light Worker's Ego" - that is, "I know what you can do to improve your life! Why aren't you taking my advise?" I flow with Compassion and want to help, but sometimes I need more Compassion to allow the other people simply to BE.
~I also realized: Just as S. was an excellent mirror of my Shadows, simply by being herself, I can be an excellent mirror to another's Shadows, simply by being my*self.

I'm still sitting with these things...

Chloe's Totem

Perfect example of how the "woo-woo" infiltrates my life... ;-)

I begin by going back to last August, when I found a piece of bamboo while at the beach. Through psychometry (reading an object by holding it in your hand and picking up its vibes), I felt that it came from Thailand, having been dislodged by the tsunami. With it came a story: this bamboo was part of a house where a little girl named Chloe had lived with her father, a fisherman. She crossed over in the tsunami, but her father survived, and was devastated by the loss. She was six years old at the time of her death.

Jump forward a bit to October. I was attending a day-long Goddess workshop and I purchased a few things from one of my fellow attendees. One of them was a seashell cut lengthwise, so that it looks almost like a spinal column. I knew I needed to get it, though I couldn't have told you why at the time.

Now arrive at the present day, last week, in fact:
I was sorting through a few things. I came across the shell and a couple of other objects. I put them in a "manifestation bag." Then, for no real reason, I picked up the piece of bamboo. Put it in the bag, a voice whispered. The moment I stuck my hand into the bag, an image flashed in my mind: the end result. I - no, Chloe and I - were going to co-create a sacred object.
So she guided me in adding things to this piece of bamboo...the shell was glued onto the front, a little purple Goddess figure was glued in the top hole, a shell was glued here, tiny stones glued there, and there, and over there.

As we worked, she told me more of her story: She was half-Thai, half Dutch. Chloe was her Western/Dutch name; her Thai name was Napsam. Her Dutch mother had been deported in 2001; she stayed with her Thai father, the fisherman. She was going to be adopted by an Australian woman on New Years' Day, 2005 - but the tsunami took her before that could happen. (This is where my tears flowed, as I felt the grief of the bereaved parents, one biological, the other adoptive).

We finished the totem in two days.
Last Friday I wrote "Napsam~Chloe" on the back of the bamboo.
February 9th was her birthday. She would have been nine this year.
If I ever get a working scanner again, I'll post a pic of it.

Gentle Shadow

In this clearing out time, I've found something interesting within me: a belief that this is as good as it will get.

This part of me is certain I won't make another penny again, so I should be very careful with what I have. She is certain that I won't ever have a loving partner in my life, so I should sell the condo after mom dies and move into a mobile home so I can continue having a stress-free lifestyle. She knows the Universe will take care of her, as long as she plays it safe, so she is ready to settle down now. I call her the Gentle (Genteel?) Shadow.

I agree with her that right here, right now, I am truly and deeply blessed. Life is good...and it will only get better. What I have her and now is a good starting point. What I have here and now, instead of being the maximum, is only the minimum. From here, I go up - To Infinity, and Beyond!
(thank you buzz lightyear) ;-)

If I get off track, I can come back here and begin anew. But settle? No. Not yet.

btw...oh yes. I live with my mother. That calls for a post unto itself, in the near future...

Clearing the Patio

I have a small patio where I live. I've been wanting to trim the trees and bushes there for some time. Well, since rain was in the forecast, and since spring hasn't quite begun to regenerate things, today was the perfect day. I planned to stop if the rain started, but it remained clear.
:-)

I trimmed the myrtle trees down to a reasonable height. I cut the rosebush down to practically nothing. I removed several branches of the large pepper tree, including bringing down and breaking down a huge branch by myself! I also trimmed the remains of the bouganvillea bush back to very little as well. Some of its branches were so tangled in the branches of the pepper tree, I couldn't get them out. So there they hang, until I can get some help from the next door neighbor.

I say "remains" of the bouganvillea bush because the freezing nights we had this winter (very rare for my part of SoCal) all but killed it. I really don't know if it will recover, but I have my suspicions.

This is the work that my body loves doing. I can do it all day - reaching and stretching, bending and hefting, moving and hauling. I revel in my inherent sturdiness and strength, in the fact that I am truly a Daughter of the Earth.

When I was done, I swept the patio clear, then stopped and admired the fruits of my labor.
It looked bigger, more open...and I can move under the pepper tree now without having to stoop down, lest spiders land in my hair. ;-)

Here's to spending more time in the patio.

The Call

Got a call from my former workplace today.
Apparently, my successor didn't cut the mustard, so they want me back "temporarily."
Uh-huh.
I can see how easily, and quickly, "temporarily" could turn into "permanently."
I did want to sit with the idea for a while, since they were offering me more money, so I said I'd think about it.
But it's not about the money. Never was; otherwise, I would have left a long time ago.
And if I'd wanted to work there longer, I wouldn't have given notice right after New Year's, eh?

So. My answer is no.
I'll call and tell them nicely.
Then I'll write an "Unsent Letter" and express my true feelings!

It's only been a week? ;-)

I thought that today.
Funny how time unspools and no longer runs the same way when you get rid of the overarching structures that have kept it in place.

I have become very introverted. After the first weekend, I haven't felt the need to step out and go-see-do. Part of it is the clearing-out of excess stuff, yes...but part of it could be called old-fashioned PMS. This is how I've changed: instead of becoming a ranting and raging bitch, I feel the need to retreat unto my sanctuary and nest, and ponder, perhaps even to create.

Tomorrow, I will be stepping out, though, for my monthly chiropractic adjustment, to mail tax stuff, to fax a fax, and maybe one or two other things. We'll see.

Clearing Out

Yes, a little part of me started to get anxious:
Gee, we're free from the job now - isn't stuff supposed to be happening??
Yeah, and I've only been off for, what, four or five days. Patience, grasshopper!
(silly expectations) ;-)

Actually, it occurred to me this morning what is going on...I'm in a clearing time.
I'm ridding myself of detrius on several levels; the movement on the physical level is simply the easiest to see.
It's not just the cleaning, either. It's also getting rid of stuff that no longer has a use: old videotapes, an old VCR, several CD's, et cetera. As I bring the house into order, I bring my*self into order. Once I've cleared enough away, then I will be able to receive more clearly.

Let me review my expectations come the new moon. Then we'll see...

first piece

The Philosophical Library is having a grand reopening party towards the end of March.
They're looking for folks to "volunteer to perform, speak, lead a workshop, or do free readings."
They're right up my alley in many ways.

I called the number.
I'm in.
I'll be doing readings and performing (via my channeled singing).
There's no financial compensation, but the exposure will be tremendous...and that's what I'm aiming for, anyway.
The nice gentleman I talked to said if I wanted to bring things to sell with me, such as books or CD's, it would be okay.
I told him I didn't have anything to sell - at this moment.
By the time the event rolls around, I might.

So the first piece of the puzzle falls into place...

Re-Mixing and Matching

Okay - in truth, my first day of freedom was on the first. So I'm a teeny bit behind, but I'll do some catching up now. ;-)

So, on my first day of freedom...
I cleaned up the kitchen.
See, the toaster wouldn't take my bagel slice properly, so there were crumbs in it. I went to empty it out, but the bottom was loose, and there were more crumbs on the counter than in the toaster. So I had to wipe up the crumbs. Somehow that led to reorganizing the "brawn" drawer on the bottom. (This is where I keep all of my "Tool Time" props.) Then I take all the stuff off of the counter beside the sink and put it back beneath the sink, since our garbage disposal is now fixed. Afterwards, I look over at the other counter, and you know what, I've been meaning to go through that tray of stuff there, why not now? And so on.

I found a lot of duplication at work: many phone cables, picture hangers, tape rools, locks. Address labels that I'll never get around to using, since it takes me a year to get through one side of one sheet. (No, I'm not a dedicated snailer.) And flower pots - why do I have flower pots, when I possess a brown thumb at best?! Fortunately, I have a friend who has a very green thumb; I'll see if she'd be interested in a few flower pots.

Some of the duplication is unnecessary and redundant, so the extra items will make it into my giveaway bag. Other things - well, I'll hang on to them for now. I might need an extra phone cable down the line.


Yesterday was a bit more on track, as I cleaned up my ersatz art studio.
I collage a lot. I have collaging supplies - letters, papers, pens, stickers, etc., and more images cut out of catalogs & magazines than you could shake a glue stick at. All of it neatly arranged in front of the coffee table in the front room...in theory. In practice, not so neat. Threatening to overtake the main room with one good project, in fact.
So I tidied. And tidied. And tidied some more. Wound up reorganizing the whole setup.

I found a treasure buried out of sight: a plate that has a painting of a woman and the words "Dream Big" on it. I won it last year at a convention. I knew it deserved to be in a better spot than the floor of my main room, even if it was technically in my art space. So now it's on the little ledge above and behind the kitchen sink. I find myself smiling at the gentle reminder each time I take something to the sink to be rinsed off.

I will let my impulses guide me on where to tidy up next...

Introduction (part two)

This is the "who" part of the intro, that goes along with the "what"...

I am psychic.
I talk to dead people - or maybe it's more like, dead people talk to me.
I channel information from the Group Consciousness.
I also channel songs.

Not exactly things I can cultivate while working at a synagogue, eh!
(no, i'm not jewish, wasn't born jewish)

These talents of mine have been emerging over the past two years (or so).
Sometimes their expression surprises even me.
They are fundamental parts of my being; their emergence fits into a longer journey I have been on: discovering and expressing my Authenticity.

In reinventing myself, I have found my calling - helping others reinvent themselves. Throwing out the spiritual crap that has accumulated over years, even lifetimes, and moving into Authenticity. Once a person finds Authenticity, the rest falls into place.

Now it's time for me to answer the call, and step up...

Introduction (part one)

For friends old, new, in between and undecided...

You would look at my job and say it was perfect:
Four day work-week. Benefits. Ten minutes away from the beach. (Mostly) Great co-workers. Two sets of holidays (Jewish and American).

~BUT~

It was killing me softly. There was one co-worker - the one I had to answer to, no less - that drove me crazy, no matter what. The work I was doing support me financially, but not spiritually or emotionally. When I tried to make my work pleasureable, or at least bearable, I was met by scorn and derision.

So, I could have given up and toe the line.
Or, I could have yearned for freedom, suffered in silence, and then had the "wake up call" (the big accident or medical incident) that would force me to "change or die."
I chose option number three instead...I created my own change. I left the job, determined to carve out the life I want, on my terms.
In walking away from this job, I am also walking away from an entire line of "muggle" jobs that have been filling time for years.
No more. If and when I return to the working world, it will be something that complements me, rather than something that I fit into.

This is the chronicle of my journey.
I am starting from scratch, in a sense. I have cleaned the slate. I take out my stylus to imprint new things on it.