Realignment

On the way to an "unknown" destination. (Questhaven, 2/10)

After my Soul Retrieval in December, a journey came to a conclusion, yes...but a new journey has begun.

For the first lunation (lunar month) afterwards, I was concerned with doing as much nothing as I could get away with, and resting a LOT. Bringing home these last lost bits of soul meant revamping my entire structure; things within me moved, shifted, and pretty well changed to fit the new/old structure. It's new for me in this incarnation, but I'd be willing to bet money in Vegas that I'm simply returning to the structure I originally incarnated with, all those moons ago.

Now as the second lunation comes to a conclusion, I find the theme has been realignment. It's like I'm sorting through everything and saying, "okay, I'm keeping these things, I'm releasing those things, and the pile right in front of me is what I'm going to work my alchemical magick on before I determine whether or not I'm going to keep it."
The Universe is helping me out by removing me from my usual routine and flipping everything in my life around - that's how I'm choosing to see the whole "graveyard" experience, at any rate.
So I've been experiencing a few purges lately, and shifting radically between extremes: now feeling small and scared, now feeling big and confident. I've had a panic attack while driving through hail and I've felt completely at home in the middle of Nature's holy wilderness. Last night I was at the Goddess Temple, drinking in lovely energy...then had to stop on the way home to have a huge releasing episode in the ladies' room! (To circumvent tmi, I'll spare y'all the details.) ;-)

I thought at one point I'd clear everything up with my Soul Retrieval. Not necessarily.
I've cleared out the distractions to focus on what is holding me back - those beliefs which would still limit me and keep me small. I have a handful remaining, but all of them are centered around a central theme: If I allow my light to shine too brightly, I will be obliterated. This is the flaw that runs through the crystal - the fear of Judgment/Rejection/Mortality. This is my scar.

Pre-Retrieval, I had no idea where it came from, only that it ran deep. Post-Retrieval, the source of the scar was revealed, and healed. Now it's time to take the healing from the source and run it along the rest of the scar. I can do this. I must do this - for I'm not just doing this Work for me. I'm doing it for the Collective.

Let Persephone show me the way through the time of Darkness and Death, and back to the Light of Rebirth and Renewal...

...and everything She touches, changes

This change is more external, quixotic, and very interesting...

I am taking on the overnight/graveyard shift at my place of work. I am a night person by nature, and having stepped into the pinch-hitting role a couple of times, felt I had the stuff I needed to do so. Plus, I get an immediate increase in my source of steady income - which never hurts!

So this is the start of an interesting little experiment: living the "Bizarro" life, as it were: my days are the night, my nights are the day. I get up as peeps are considering dinner and go to bed as they're considering (second) breakfast. This is going to last a couple of months, until the end of March. After that, I will be scooting across the country again for another helping of Beyond Awesome. When I return...that's up to the gods at this point. We'll see.

On the one hand, this threatens to shake up what little communication I do have (at times, it seems) and isolate me at a time when isolation is the last thing I'm looking for. On the other hand, this frees me up to have some more fun at night - provided I can get myself up early enough and sneak a nap in before I come into work. Whatever else, I shall emerge from this journey a total Nap Diva! (lol)

I have asked the owl for a bit of guidance and support as I align myself even more closely with the rhythms of the moon. Bella Luna. She will be my main guide through this journey, teaching me more of Her mysteries, sharing with me more of Her secrets. I look forward to the closer communion.

Right now, though, might be a good time to sneak one of those naps in, especially since my entry into the Moon Lodge appears immanent... ;-)

~Wisdom-Hairs and Winter Bellies~

...or, more lessons in Self-Acceptance...

It's interesting, when I look at myself, what parts of myself I have no problems in accepting, and which parts I need to work on.

What I call "wisdom-hairs" most people would call gray hairs. As I close in on forty years of age, I notice more of them. I can see wee strands of silver in among the dark brown - and I think they're uber-cool. :-)
What really amuses me is the reaction other peeps have to my occasional silver strands, especially if they're the shorter "mutant" ones that refuse to grow out straight, and zigzag their way straight up from my head! I had one co-worker who begged me to allow her to pluck it out! After a few minutes, I managed to dissuade her in quite convincing fashion, and she never bugged me about it afterwards. My mother, on the other hand, continues to point them out, and offers to tweeze them for me...so I dissuade her a bit differently: "I can always shave my head if they get too numerous." That shuts her up for a few days/weeks. (lol)
In a sense, it's a sad commentary that such a natural part of experiencing life, and adding on the years, is so, what, feared in this society. It's a hair that no longer has color produced for it. So what! Will I have a head of silver hair in my crone years? Probably not; genetics kept most of my grandmother's hair dark until the day she drew her last breath, and my mother has very little gray as she draws her Social Security payments every month. It would be cool to be all silver, though...

But my "winter belly" provides a bit more of a challenge to my levels of self-acceptance.
My belly has grown a bit rounder in the time of stillness - as it should, because folks generally do less in the Winter than they do in the Summer. Add to that a bit less yoga as I've engaged in some serious navel-gazing and internal shapeshifting, and it comes as no real surprise that I have a belly. (All the self-divination I've done for myself indicate that I tend toward the zaftig, anyway!)
What is the surprise is now quickly my thoughts can turn negative when I regard myself: oh, you're going to gain back all the weight you lost, and then some! You're never going to be at a "healthy" weight; there is no such thing!
For the record, there's still "less of me" than there was at this time last year, and I have never been anorexic/bulimic in this lifetime. I despise vomiting, and starvation just makes me a queen bitch! - so the tendencies never took root.
But this just goes to show how deep, and how universal, the cultural conditioning has become, and how much Work remains to be done to uproot and toss this poisonous weed from my mind, and perhaps from the minds of many women, for good. So I still practice active lovin' on my belly, and rewriting the niggling little negatives as they arise in my psyche...reaffirming and drawing ever closer to total Self-Acceptance. I'm more than happy to share helpful hints, if anyone is interested. :-)

I guess the final lesson is that self-acceptance comes in layers, and by degrees...and that it's an ever-evolving, constantly growing process. :-)

Connection

We can no longer go it alone, nor be alone, nor make anything happen by ourselves.
(Karen Bishop)

So here's another "touchstone" for me for this year.
I was commenting elsewhere about how I'd chosen consistency to be my word for this year, when I heard a soft "ahem" in the back of my mind. When I gazed inward, here was this second word for me to use.
Connection.

I had known already how I wanted to be with others, to bring a time of "solitude" to a conclusion. Just before Samhain, in fact, I had realized: I have done all the Work I can do on myself, for myself, by myself. If I am to grow any further, I need to find people and places who can nurture and support me, as I can nurture & support them in return. I need to weave a web of Interdependence, now.

Apparently that was a prayer of some sort, for the Universe has begun to answer it...
Just before Yule, I was finishing up my deep spiritual journey of Soul Retrieval at Questhaven, when I was joined by some unexpected new friends:
Smokey & Galahad, choosing to be my "escorts" as I walked the trail. 12/09
They both stayed with me until I had finished visiting my oak friend. :-)

Little synchronicities since then...talking with perfect strangers, finding new alliances at work, being invited to join - and joining - some more "Ning" sites...all are beginning to confirm the message I received as I transitioned from last year to this one: 2010 shall be the year "me" becomes "we."

What that will entail, I don't know in this moment.
As Divinity is in the details, I will embrace the unknown and allow Divinity to fill in the details. :-)

Consistency

~I must be consistent in the Game of Life,
That Wisdom may finish what Knowledge did start.~
(Astarius)

This is my touchstone, my focusing word, for this year...for there are places in my life where I am anything BUT consistent, and I want to BE consistent in them!

I need consistency in my Yoga Practice. I fell off the wagon towards the end of the year as the Spiritual Work took precedence over the physical work. I know I need to do the yoga - my body feels SO much better and more open when I do it, as I reaffirmed last night! - yet fitting it into my patchwork schedule can be quite challenging. Lately, I haven't been meeting the challenge! So, here is the first "sub-resolution."

I need consistency in my Creativity. I started off last year quite well, thanks to Miss Leonie's Creative Goddess course (which is starting up again on the 17th, word to ze wise!) - and then, again, the Spiritual Work took over. I managed to keep my fingers in the creative flow, thanks to my participation in a project from one of my online circles...but it's not enough. More Artistic Creation opportunities, por favor, y gracias!

I need consistency in my Playtime! I managed to get myself out of the house for some tiny adventures, and took some gorgeous pix while I was out, and the fresh air that came with the change of scenery did me good. I am coming to realize, more and more, that these breaks from the routine are restorative to my soul...which needs a break now and again from the oh-so-serious Spiritual Work. (Hm, anyone else seeing the theme arising here? lol)

And last, but not least, I need consistency in my Greater Work. Not the "little w" work, that which provides me with a source of steady income; the "Big W" Work, being the shamanic priestess in my community and sharing my Wisdom & Magick with those who need it & are ready to receive it. I've dipped my toe in the water; I've waded in the shallow pool. Now I need to take it further and plunge into the deep end, sending out my ripples further in the pond.
I fully realize I needed to to the Work inside me before I could successfully do the Work around me, but I would like to think I've finally come to a place where I can now shift my focus! (Say I have, Mommy, pleeease!) ;-)

As I set this intention of consistency, I fully realize that I'll falter, get distracted, detour way off the path, come back to center, start again, start over, and hit the snooze button every now and then. (dude, five more minutes, that's all I'm asking!)
May I have the grace to forgive myself as often as necessary and proceed down the path anyway, trusting that the Mystery is unfolding with Divine Perfect Timing. :-)