dropping out for a wee bit...

So between being sick and being just about overwhelmed with work, my holiday season was not what I had planned.
When I acknowledged this in my journal yesterday, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and the clouds began to part to let the sunshine back in.
One of the things that I realized yesterday as I wrote was that it was high time for another recharging of ye olde batteries. Once again, the Universe and I have co-created the perfect opportunity.

I'm stepping offline starting tomorrow to kick off the New Year with a bang. I shall be attending the Conscious Convergence retreat in Los Gatos. Then I'm headed back to San Francisco to chill with my sister from another mother, g-flirt, and my "Uncle" John and g-flirt's mom. This time, I am spending an entire day in Chinatown, dammit! ;-)

So I shall indeed recharge my batteries, and also replenish my Inner Font of Inspiration, which is running low as well. And maybe someone can help me scratch this itch I've got...?

Till next time, a Blessed New Year to all (all of my dozen readers, lol) and to all a Good Night.
Drive safely, and rejoice in the fact that we're finally putting this puppy to bed!

stumbling into yuletide

It certainly feels like that! (lol)

I stepped into the Moon Lodge right after my little launching party - and Mother Bear came out in earnest. If I didn't have to do something right now, I wasn't going to do it. End of conversation!

At first I thought I was feeling the holiday tension more than usual...you know, where Nature is calling out to slow down while Society demands that you speed up! So I felt like the grumpy bear floating down the red river.

Then I let myself "dry out" a wee bit too much during the office Christmas party, and felt the sore throat the next day. Aw, nuts. Why now - right before Solstice weekend?!

To learn more lessons about releasing expectations and attachments to outcomes.
To reinforce the idea of putting My*Self first.

So I have slept like the dead for these last few days. I called out sick to work, when I was going to pinch-hit for someone else anyhoo, so it wasn't so bad. And I'm radically redoing my plans for Yuletide...much as I'd love to stick with my agenda, if I DO, I run the risk of turning this creeping crud into something galloping out of control. And that would really throw a monkey wrench into ze plans!

So a lot of "taking it easy" and "playing it by ear" for the moment.
That which needs to get done, will get done in the fullness of time.
That which does not need to get done, well, maybe I can let it go, for maybe I never needed it to be done in the first place.
Or maybe that's my signal to go to bed now, for another fourteen hours. ;-)

~L A U N C H E D~ (part one)

The phoenix has hatched at long last.
I debuted my CD tonight.

There are a few technical things to work out, in making it available online.
But that's only a matter of time...and that's when I'll run up the rooftop and scream in triumph.

Right now, I will simply report: mother and baby are doing blessedly well.
(And will come back later to provide details to those who are clamoring to hear them. Hey, a new mom's gotta rest, ya know?) ;-)

Time to bear down and PUSH!

Saturday.
Two days away.
When I open up my hands and let the Phoenix take flight from my being.

I finally got some new color ink for my printer.
Yup, I'm doing a bit of microbrewing, CD style, getting my first set ready for selling.

Eventually, I will do a mass cover printing and allow someone else to do the work for me. ;-)
Eventually, I will offer them for sale online. Maybe even between now and Saturday. Depends on how much trial and error lies between me and my cyber-goal. (lol)

Now, however, I'm in the final hours of labor.
Let me adjust my grip on the arms of the chair and reposition myself in the tub.
Let me breathe a moment and regather my strength for this final effort.
I will most likely scream, but it will all be okay in the end.
I will have my first Creation ready to share. :-D

Just have the dark chocolate ready for me, please. I will need to rebuild my strength when I'm done. ;-)

to decorate or not to decorate...?

That was the question as I entered December.

See, once upon a time, I was totally into the Christmas spirit. Decking the halls for a holly-jolly good time was practically mandatory. ;-) I got totally into every bit of it, treating it almost like, well, a ritual. (Yes, foreshadowing that path I was to take!!)

Then a couple of trends converged in my life.
First, I began to delve deeply into Earth-based Spirituality. Suddenly I began to feel disconnected from the whole "holly-jolly" atmosphere. Yes, I knew/know much of the symbology is still pagan, but the whole "reason for the season" theme no longer resonated with me...not that it ever really did in the first place! (lol) Second, when you work in a synagogue, you kind of hafta tone down the holly-jolly to be "politically correct," if you know what I mean. When in Tel Aviv...
So over the past few years, there has been a de-emphasis of holiday spirit around the house. Not a whole lot of tinsel and hall-decking. The fact that the Yule/Christmas trees are obscenely priced these days does not help!

Then this year, my Uncle B. sent us a "living" wreath of pine and juniper. It smells divine. But they only sent half a dozen dinky pinecones to decorate it!
Oh, no, I thought to myself. I can do much better than that!
So in getting out a few things to decorate the wreath, I found myself looking through the holiday box and saw an envelope full of paper ornaments that haven't seen the light of day in a long time. Ya know, it was time for a little hall decking once again. Break out some holly-jolly!

Thus, I have a decorated house. Not as extensively as in years past - hey, I live in a smaller space these days! (lol) - but more so than, say, last year. And by degrees, the Yuletide spirit is beginning to fill me up anew.

Now to tackle the rest of my holiday snailies... ;-)

tiptoeing into december

Sitting down & summing up:

I've posted Ariadne's Wish in the e-communities I'm a part of. People have actually been inspired to take up the Wish with their own circles! How exciting! I get warm fuzzies inside, along with the knowledge that I'm not whistling in the dark after all... ;-)
As for me, I will be partaking myself, most likely in January, with one of my groups.
I've come to realize the Wish doesn't need to be fulfilled right at the New Year, especially since there are a whole passel of New Years from now till March, and even beyond! So if you've been one of those sweating getting everything done NOW, relax. There will be plenty of time to come together, and invoke hearts' desires, and release them out into the Universe for fulfillment, if it's according to the Highest Good & Best Outcome...

My (muggle) Thanksgiving was nice, if rather damp. Rain in Southern California - who'da thunk it! (lol) My cousin H. and her family were hosting for the first time this year, and it was a chance to sit down with one uncle's family: his three children and their mess of grandchildren, also known as my first cousins and second cousins. I think. (still haven't figured out the proper terms for all these branches on ze family tree!) ;-) My grandmother's fingerprints were all over this one - five years since her passing and she's still doing her best to keep the family together!
Now, keep in mind one thing: in my family, I am the only pagan. My mother is more Taoist, than anything else, right at the moment...but the rest of the family subscribes to varying degrees of Christian belief. My cousin H. belongs to the more "casual" Christian branch, whereas members of my Uncle J's family are more "hardcore." The difference, energetically speaking, is palpable: I felt corseted at the family feasting, but the corset wasn't laced up so tight I could hardly breathe, ya know? ;-) At the moment there is an unspoken Don't Ask, Don't Tell rule in place, which will most likely fall to the wayside when my profile is sufficiently high enough for peeps to sit up and take notice of me. But after this Thanksgiving, I figure I won't have to kiss all of my family goodbye - just the "hardcore" ones. ;-)

On the work front, I'm finally finished helping out the company Down South! Happy happy joy joy! (lol) What was supposed to last three weeks, tops, turned into roughly three and a half months! :-o But you see, in a sense, I needed that time because I wasn't ready to move forward in my Real Work. There was the harvest to take in, the finishing of very important inner work, and the tail end of the Dark Night of the Collective Soul to move through.
Now, we are stepping into the time of Revolution and Rebirth. Now we have an opportunity to dream a new future into the now...one of Unconditional Love that heals the old wounds and clears out all that stands between us and full Authenticity. From our new President (yay Obama!) on down, we have an excellent opportunity to wipe clean the slate and begin again.

For me, part of that beginning again will be in launching my CD...in two weeks! Eek! (lol)
No worries, friends, it's all coming together. Certain parts will probably need to be done later, rather than sooner, but it will all work out in ze end. I am certainly in no rush and will be making plenty of these puppies to spread throughout the entire world, Gods willing! ;-)

Yes, the words are loosening up, and are coming together to be shared at last.
This final month of the year will most likely be a retrospective one for this blog, both in the tying off of loose ends and of saying what could not be spoken of until the process was done.
For now, the process IS done, and it's time for me to spiral outward again...

Forward Movement! :-)

First, the posting of Ariadne's Wish (see below) is something I've been waiting for the right moment to do...and that moment has come.
And as for the CD - I've got the cover all put together. I'm mulling over estimates for getting it mass produced. I've got a premier concert date: December 13th! (to which I've sent out a gazillion emails and will prolly send out a few more, just to toot my own horn.) ;-)

In the grand scheme of things, they may not amount to much...but for me, they're huge. I don't do things with a lot of bells & whistles; I'm more of a behind ze scenes type of girl. That's what I get when my moon is in Virgo and I find myself following the turtle. (lol)

Forward Movement was actually my mantra for 2008.
Not sure if a lot of the movement I've done this year has actually been forward, so I'm keeping it with me for next year as well.

And as I release these Creations of mine out into the world, I make room for new Creations to be planted, and to germinate. I focus my attention on a book or three to write - and the time to begin is almost here. One more week to disconnect from the snare that distracted me at work, then I can settle most fully back into the depths, as Winter spreads her cloak over the earth - at least in the Northern Hemisphere... ;-)

~Ariadne's Wish~ a free-will participation event

One of my Net-friends came to me some time back with a wish to make some prayer bundles, to help realize some desires she was holding within her. Together, we considered making this a collective effort – a Big Collective Effort! I have been carrying that concept within me for roughly a year, waiting for the time to unveil it. I believe the time is finally NOW…

Ariadne is a woman/Goddess in the Greek pantheon. She gifted Theseus the yarn to trace his way through the labyrinth as he quested to slay the Minotaur. She was also torn between love, for Theseus, and duty, for her family. She became a weaver Goddess in the fine tradition of weaver Goddesses (i.e., Arachne); yet it her wish to follow her heart that jumps out from the tales about her.
Originally, I was going to call this “Arachne’s Wish,” and believed I had gotten my Greek Goddesses confused! But no, Ariadne insisted that this was to be Her wish – and now that I have carried her for a time in my life, I have come to agree with her.

Now, the nitty gritty…the vehicle for this endeavor will be the prayer bundle.
The prayer bundle comes from the Native American shamanic traditions. To make it, one takes a piece of cloth, about 2” x 2” square, places a pinch or two of tobacco in the center of the square, gathers the corners into the center (to form a miniature pouch or bag), and ties the corners together, so that the tobacco doesn’t slip out. As the bundle is created, one contemplates a wish to be made manifest in one’s life. Several of these prayer bundles can be made and tied together to form a string of wishes.
What came to me is the idea that one could actually write one’s wish on a small scrap of paper and place it into the bundle along with the tobacco. One can write several heart’s desires to incorporate into the bundles, or the same desire several times over.

This gathering of wishes can be done individually, or in a group. I know many groups will be meeting within the next several weeks; why not set some time apart to co-create bundles of heart’s desires and heartfelt wishes?
Once these bundles are created: hold onto them. Bless them. Sit with them in sacred space. If this is a group effort, pass the bundles around to each participant so s/he can impart energy to them. Then, come the time of Rebirthing (December 21st through Jan. 1st), burn the prayer bundles in a fire, perhaps along with a traditional Yule log. The action of burning the prayer bundles carries the wishes to the astral/etheric levels, where they can enter the world of dreams, to be activated and manifested back into the World of Form.

Why now? To summarize a lot of esoteric information: the planetary energies are becoming very favorable for Significant Manifestation of deep desires & dreams now. Old toxic energy has been cleared away; the slate is wiped clean and primed for the recording of new loving energy.

So, are you ready to join us in fulfilling Ariadne’s Wish?

and on the sixth day...REVOLUTION!

For those who are in the esoteric and metaphysical frame of mind: yesterday and today were/are the dawning of the Sixth Day of the Mayan Calendar. For a quickie explanation of it, visit my friend Simone here: www.astroalchemy.com.

For those who'd rather not jump right now, I'll simply say this: this is destined to be a time of Revolution. I can smell it. I may even partake in it.

This is a bold and daring move for me; usually I've been content to let the ways of the world work themselves out while I've focused on Deep Work. But now, especially in California, the Deep Work is arising into conscious awareness, and I have a few opinions on what's up, and how things can work out for the best.

The words are still a little shy, but I'm getting ever closer to unleashing them.
Soon enough, and all in the fullness of time.

At any rate, today I tromped around a very cool retreat site: Questhaven. (They're here at www.questhaven.org). Pix will hopefully follow soon - yes, I've gone digital at last! Be afraid; be very afraid! (lol)

Tomorrow, I begin anew...

Descent, with some bright lights in the darkness

Well, of course I've been spiralling down and in, I realized quite recently.
Tis the season.
Samhain - remembering & honoring the dead, preparing for the Winter ahead.
Now is the season of the Crone, who sets out into the world to gather up the souls who are ready for rebirth.
Judging by the hospice calls we've received at work since the start of October, She started a little early this year.

This is also the season of descent, into the Underworld - to release the old, and dream the new into being.
I think the Universe sensed this, and how heavy things could be in this time, for we have a gift in our patio...

A momma tortoiseshell cat brought her two kittens into our patio a couple of days ago.
(Cats know who the "cat people" are. Every time.) ;-)
I cannot begin to calculate how much time I've spent watching the antics of these wee babies.
There is magic in watching a young and innocent soul sampling new things in the world for the first time. In observing, you hear the whisper in certain tender parts of your soul: remember when?
And you are invited to consider how you would answer this question.

One of the other ideas about Samhain is the celebration of life, even in the midst of the dying times. I think these wee kittens are helping me with my celebration - little lights in the deepening dark, keeping me connected to the fact that the Wheel of the Year is continuously turning, even when we don't notice its motion.

Let us all breathe deeply as we move through the darkness, releasing the old and dreaming the new...

Things are shifting within me

I would love to provide details - in fact, I've been poised on the edge of adding to this blog several times - I've been poised to make posts on the boards of the cyber-communities that I belong to...but the words won't come.

At least, not here. Not in the strange private~public place that is cyberspace.

My words wait until the morning, when all is quiet, then they spill out onto the pages of my journal. I have been writing like a mad woman these past few days and weeks.

An amusing aside: as I entered this month of October, I put out into the Universe I needed a new journal. Come my birthday, I had three journals! As I tend to take a year to fill a journal completely, I will be taken care of for quite some time! (lol)

Back to this latest turn in the labyrinth...
I know that I am returning to the core of Who I Am in this world, and going a little bit deeper still.
I am returning to the point of Singularity within myself, and following it back to its source...to my Source.
Perhaps I am on the verge of a vast sea change that will transform everything in my life.
I don't know, yet.

So I must abide, and hold myself in absolute acceptance - and when my words are ready to be poured out into the world, they will pour out~spill out~rush out, for mass consumption.

For now, I am content to wait, and watch, and wonder.

37 things about me.

Back again. Just like I promised. ;-)

Stealing an idea from a couple of my fellow blogging peeps; here are 37 things about me, in honor of my birthday. In semi-particular order:

1) I live with a cat.

2) I am the third generation in my family (at least!) who has shared a lifetime with cats.

3) The cat is the second totem animal to come into my life.

4) The first totem animal in my life was/is the hammerhead shark. Seriously.

5) One of my big dreams growing up was to swim with hammerhead sharks. Seriously.

6) I thought I had to give up that dream when I left the path of scientific education. :-(

7) I saw that dream resurrected when I heard that they will let you swim with the sharks in the ginormous Atlanta aquarium. :-)

8) So that's one of the dreams on my "Master To-Do" list.

9) I will fulfill another dream when I go to Japan on my 40th birthday. It's as good as a done deal.

10) Hawaii, however, has been popping up all over the place recently. Yo, Universe, some details please!

11) So has the book Eat, Pray, Love. All right already; I'll read the bloody book! (lol)

12) The same thing happened to me with The DaVinci Code...brilliant read, btw.

13) I am a voracious reader. A cereal box can capture my complete attention.

14) I read the newspaper. You can pick your jaw up off the ground now... ;-)

15) My favorite sections are the funnies and the weekly "News of the Weird" column.

16) The strangeness of people never ceases to amaze me.

17) My reading material of choice is science-fiction.

18) Most of my viewing material of choice is science-fiction as well.

19) I do, however, watch a lot of sports. Go Chargers, Kings, and Lakers!!

20) I also think Rafael Nadal is a tennis stud, and the Williams sisters rock the universe.

21) I love hearing accents, especially overseas ones. Y'all can come read my phonebook aloud anytime. ;-)

22) My daddy was from Texas and my momma from Missouri; my grandmother was from Kentucky.

23) Some people don't think that's "Southern" enough. ;-)

24) I, however, was born in California. Yes, I'm a native Californian! :-o

25) And I still think California is the best state going. Der Governator is a bonus.

26) I voted for Ah-nold even though I'm a registered Democrat.

27) I'll start paying serious attention to politics when the politicians quit letting their inner five-year-olds make all the decisions for them!

28) I do not look like your "typical" Cali-girl; I am brunette, and have serious curves.

29) I love every single one of my curves.

30) It took several years to love myself into acceptance and gratitude for my curves.

31) As hinted above, I was a classically trained Western scientist. I have a BA in Marine Biology and English.

32) I am the first - and the last - alumna of my university to have such a degree.

33) The Universe, however, had other plans for me...and blew my mind wide open.

34) When I grow up, I want to be a Jedi Master.

35) Or maybe a taiko drummer.

36) I started drumming ten years ago (May 1998)

37) And that was the first door that opened for me...

Hey, that wasn't too hard at all.
I think I'll leave it right there, and be a total tease. ;-)

thirty seven.

today is MY day.
happy birthday to me :-D

i will be back with more, but right now it's late and getting later and i really have some stuff to do before i finally hit the hay! (lol)

i guess you could call this "indian summer"

Days of heat have returned to my neck of the woods, interspersing themselves in the time of going from "hot" to "not hot" in SoCal. ;-)
Big rolling thunderheads build up in the eastern skies, oodles of fluffy white deepening the surrounding blue of the sky. They tease us with the promise of rain, but rarely deliver. Some parts of my homebase did get rained upon yesterday, but if there was any rain here, I didn't hear it. Maybe it came in the form of verga, I don't know.
What I do know that the thunder serenaded me into wakefulness yesterday morning. It was lovely, since thunderstorms are rather uncommon in these parts.

I feel myself settling back into my groove. This will be the first week back on the schedule I'd agreed upon in the first place: four days on, three days off. Lovely.
And I'm starting to feel the pull to create in my soul again. I need to take up the scissors and fine-tune images again. I need to grab my glue sticks and paste images onto paper again. I create mostly through collage, you see, and I've got a few "unfinished" projects that are quietly, patiently waiting for me.
I put "unfinished" in quotes because, in truth, I'm won't be finished with them until I'm done in this lifetime. I may reach the end of a sketchbook or a journal, but that only means I pick up another one and continue on in it. Stories are coming together in me, and soon they will be expressed through my hands, under the direction of my aesthetic gaze...

At the beginning of the harvest season, I was advised that this time of Creation was at hand. I thought it would be in the days of autumn, but outside circumstances spun me up and out of Kansas, so to speak! Now it looks like my Winter days will be the creative ones, which fits in just perfectly with the flow of the seasons. So I shall be communing with the Rainbow Serpent in the Dreamtime during the days of the dark.

At least that's the plan. Gods know that plans can change in a heartbeat! (lol)

Beholding the Magick of Manifestation

Oh hai...
Before I go too much further along the road, I want to share with you a bit on what happened when I went to Philly, and as it turns out, the New Jersey area as well.

As I was flying in to Philly, my seatmates were a couple who lived in Jersey. They had boarded the plane in NC as refugees from a cancellation from another plane company. We actually had some conversation from NC to PA. (Yes, a marvelous change of pace in our age of iPods & laptops! lol)

Their recommendations to me: the Camden Aquarium, Liberty Mall, the Liberty Bell, and the consumption of a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich.

Well, I had arranged to meet my net-friend T. the next afternoon. As we drove into New Jersey, the beach came up in the conversation. So since she lives so close to the beach, we paid it a visit. I knew there was a reason to pack my swimsuit, even though my duffle had been stretched to overflowing to make the trip! So now I have set feet in the Atlantic Ocean as well as the Pacific. :-)

As I went on, I hooked up with K., another other net-friend. She and the bf thought visiting the (Camden) Adventure Aquarium was an excellent idea (ping! manifestation no. 1!) So we paid them a visit - or is that paid them to visit? - where there was a huge surprise waiting for me in the main tank: a hammerhead shark that had arrived in the area on the SAME DAY as I had!

to digress a moment...the hammerhead is the first of my totem animals that revealed itself unto me, with the cat a close second. i've been agog about hammerheads since i could read, and i started reading when i was three. their importance in my life truly belongs in another post, but the synchronicity of seeing THIS shark in ze tank was/is huge.

Back to the vacay...from friends to family I went. My uncle B. took me into downtown Philly the next day. The Liberty Mall, I discovered, wasn't a shopping district, but an historical one (manifestation no. 2). So we prowled around, taking in Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell (manifestation no. 3!). Then we walked a short way over to Ben Franklin's homestead & visited his museum. It wouldn't have been a proper vacation for me to go to Philly without paying my respects to our Founding pagan Father, now, would it? ;-)

As for the Philly Cheesesteak sandwich - well, that failed to manifest. I was seduced by an eggplant panini instead, with some curly fries. Hey, three out of four ain't bad. ;-)

May I continue to synch up with the Universe in ever more delight*full and delicious ways...

the Universe has my back :-)

Aw yeah...

So on my break yesterday at work, I tracked down Big Brother.
I presented my suggestion/request to swap with the other operator who has also worked remotely with the folks Down South come the first of October.
He did me one better - when I go back to work on Sunday, I'm going back in the afternoon...and playing for the Home Team again. :-)
WOOT!

Of course, the Universe rarely gives one a pass gratis.
The condition for this manifestation of relief is to get back on track with my Work.
I have found my motivation.
Buckle up, folks! hee hee hee...

Detour? Regression? WTF!

Okay, tonight I'm Captain Crankypants and I need to get this outta my system.
The Harvest has taken an odd turn, and I'm not too terribly happy about it, truth be told...

I have been tapped to do some "remote operator" work for an answering service Down South. Basically, this means I'm in two places at once. (lol)
Recent events Down South - as in nasty hurricanes that try to flood everything in sight, if they can't blow everything down first! - have thrown the plans into chaos. What was only supposed to last "a couple of weeks" has now stretched to the end of the month...and may go even longer than that.

So now what was a part-time job in more of a "swing-shift" capacity has become a full time job where I have to set my alarm again to make sure I get up at a decent hour (Most of the time I beat it to the punch, but still!). And drama llamas are lurking behind the corners of both offices, ready to run amok at the drop of a hat. And while I'm at it, what is up with Gemini women born on June 5th?!? I've know two so far, and they've both managed to annoy the snot out of me!! :-o

The point is, not only am I feeling everyone's stress around me, I'm also feeling old stuff triggered within me - what I thought I'd left behind when I left the synagogue. In a sense, I've gone back into "survival" mode - and the Indigo Diva within me is SO done with survival.
We've got Important Work to do! What is up with all of this nonsense! This is so not what I signed on for! she rants.
And this is not when I'm in complete hysterics, as I was just before my oh-so-fortuitously timed vacation! It's really Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity, I'll tell y'all right now!

In my better moments, I know this, too, has a purpose - and this, too, shall pass.
In my better moments, I know what to do to counteract the dead vibrations, and do so.
But right now I just feel like doing a Bionic Pout. BLEH!

Gods willing this gives me the motivation to get busy with the Real Work, once things return to something closer than normal! ;-)

*deep breath*
Ahh, thank you. I do feel better now.

Life as Pop-Quiz

Plans are changing with massive rapidity as of late...!

First I'm going to do a healing on a co-worker. Then I'm not.
A friend cancels her plans, so I make new ones with another. Then the original plan comes back into place as said friend uncancels herself.
A trip in early September looked to be derailed due to "circumstances beyond control." I'm still taking said trip, however, but the Universe will be setting the agenda.

It wasn't terribly long ago that I was advised that I would have to release attachment.
I've had the suspicion this week that I'm being tested on how well I've become in this releasing.
Testing my flexibility, and capacities for improvisation.

So far, I think I'm doing a lovely job of allowing Grace to lead the way... :-)

notes from the First Harvest

Well!
For the second phase of my intensive, Kuan Yin stepped aside and guided me to the "power trinity" of Durga, Shakti, and Kali! All of these Hindu Goddesses are Very Powerful, so I knew I wasn't going to be messing around! (lol)
I was also lent a very power*full CD called Crystal Bowls of Tibet, composed by Jacob Hans & Richard Jelusich. This will move mountains for you if you're ready for it! And I needed a little mountain moving...

Suffice to say that for the first part of this intensive, I felt Durga at my head, filling me with courage & strength, as warrior Goddesses can do so well. Shaki, the Creatrix of the Universe, was at my feet, managing the energies flowing through me. Kali, the great "Dark Mother" of Creation & Destruction, straddled me, occasionally plunging Her hands into my chest. At length, I drew out a small creature with many legs, a sharp hook at the end of each leg, and destroyed it myself.
The second part of the intensive was to re-balance my body and fill the vacuum that had been created by the removal of the Shadow-Matrix. I found the balancing point as the moon finished its journey from waning to new, and entered Lammas ready to seal the deal, as it were.
Suffice to say the deal has been sealed. Powerfully.
I have shed my foreboding & dread as the snake sheds her skin. :-)

To cap it all of, on the night of the anniversary of my father's death, I played Astarius' Reiki Temple Chants. Um, can we say another mountain mover & a perfect bookend to the process?

Through all of this, I am becoming more & more sensitive to feeling energy flowing through my hands & body. My hands have actually begun twitching & shaking when a healing frequency moves through them! I have begun to "tap" with my hands; looks like another avenue opening up to research a bit! (as if I don't have several other modalities on my plate already!) ;-)

I am currently resting a bit before the Next Event: the opening of the Triple-8 gate on the earth-plane (8/8/08). This may very well be a doozy in the best sense...!

~eye of the storm~

On this Lammas day,
I seem to have been given a breather by the Universe,
between bouts of intense shape-shifting.

So it's entirely possible
now that my new schedule has taken effect
that I'll spend all day in my pajamas.
Or maybe not.

May your harvest be bounty*full and beyond your wildest dreams this season.
(And if you're in the Southern hemisphere while reading this...may you have the courage to dream bodaciously as you select which seeds to plant this year.) ;-)

*Butterfly Sonata No. 1*

One of the most ordinary activities in the Universe, getting the mail.
I'm walking back, a few magazines and letters in my hand.
I notice a white butterfly flitting among the foliage in front of me.
I smile, and I turn on the path.
Then the white butterfly flits directly across my field of vision, darting ahead of me.
I follow it around the corner, and see...

Orange Monarch-type butterflies, at least four, maybe six, perhaps even eight.
They launch nearly as one, stimulated by the white butterfly passing by.
And then they dance in the air, complicated maneuvers around the hanging plants.
Now and again they pair off, spiraling madly through the air at "breakneck" speed.
(that is, if they had necks to break) ;-)
Courtship dances? Territorial dances? I don't know, but it's almost impossible to follow their intricate passes completely, as they bank and dive and swirl - with nary a collision!

Time stops.
I drink in the sight of these butterflies, with my eyes, with my heart, with my soul.
Wings of Satsuma-tangerine orange, of sunset orange, beating beneath a deep blue sky, beating among the green of hanging plants...with the most brilliant purple flowers I've seen in a while.
These flowers: light lavender petals surrounding indigo centers, from which tiny yellow stalks arise in clusters. They take my breath away when I notice them, until I remember to breathe again.

The butterflies flit about this slice of perfection, now rapidly, now slowly, but always in motion.
Behind me, I hear a hummingbird's twitter, a crow's caw.
A junebug drones his way through the tableau. I know it's my grandfather, just as I know my grandmother is one of the butterfly dancers. These humble insects are their respective totems.

At last, the butterflies seem to have restored harmony among themselves. Their flights become smaller, soon to return to sacred stillness.
I bow to them and resume my journey homeward, grateful beyond words for this gift of Beauty*full Grace.

~and journeying~

So it begins, this alchemical transmuting of the heart center.

I find myself tip-toeing inward, ever so slowly, along the spiral path.
I have beheld what lies at the center of this spiral, and though I was stunned, I must say I was not entirely surprised...
I beheld a portion of the Shadow-Matrix in my heart center, and know myself to be a horcrux! along with countless others in this agreement we call Western Civilization!

(For those of you scratching your heads and wondering what a horcrux is, I refer you to the Harry Potter books. Without giving away any juicy bits, it is an object that has a portion of the wielder's soul embedded in it, for protection. And if you haven't read the books, what on earth are you waiting for? Hie thee posthaste to your nearest open-minded library! You ought to be finished with them by the time I finally post again!) ;-)

Preparations started gently at the new moon...a mudra here, a mantra there. Tonight, at the first quarter moon, I ramp it up just a notch. Come the full moon, I will immerse myself more fully, and at the last quarter moon, dive deeply into the second phase of my intensive. I will arrive at the pivotal point of this process right around August 3rd - which happens to be the anniversary of my father's death.

On that day, I always feel significant energies surrounding me, heightened by the fact that it falls two days after the official celebration of Lammas: the celebration of the First Harvest, and also the traditional date of the sacrifice of the Sacred King/Sun Lord. Initially, the energies would all but overwhelm me in grief; within the last few years, though, I've been able to use those energies to work some dynamic transformations within my*self. This date looks to be just as juicy as previous years, if not more so!
Afterwards, I shall be co-creating with my friend P. as the "triple-8 gate" (the date of 08/08/08) opens up on the earth-plane. Perhaps there will be an initiatory experience - who knows? And then, finally, I should be able to get back on track with my "official" priestessing!

Whatever will be will be.
I shall allow the future to take care of itself.
Let me refocus on the NOW, and surrender to the journey as it unfolds along the spiral path...

~percolating~

Okay, I'm at a point where I can lift the veil and break my silence, to an extent...

When I helped G-flirt move to San Francisco at the end of April, I stayed with her for a few days in the downtown. One of the things I noticed, besides the very strong wind there (!) was the significant number of homeless on the streets...and they frightened me on a very deep level.
(Yes, I freely admit I was sheltered growing up, but still - !)
I sensed them at the edges of my attention, almost circling like hungry ghosts, ready to pounce upon me and suck out all of my life force if I allowed them to. I wanted nothing more than to stay with my friend in her room and not venture out alone at all, if I could help it. (She was going through her own adjustment adventures and was not up for a lot of exploring.)

The presence of the homeless, and my reaction to them, shook me to the core. This is, in part, why I walked straight into a cold when I returned home - after not having been sick for several years. I found old fears stirred up - must hide from the predators so they won't find me, must stay small to be safe - stuff that I thought I'd already dealt with.
Superfically, yes...but not to the extent that I needed to.
So, guided by a vision, I began "working" with Kuan Yin, the Great Mother of Compassion, in an intensive. This meant putting all of my plans for expanding my presence in the world on hold, at least for the season. (Fine, I'm not in any particular hurry with this huge chaotic flux swirling about in the world!) Among other things, I found a "not safe" feeling in my individuation center, and an "avoiding loss" desire in my heart center...aka chakras #3 & 4, respectively. I uncovered the Paradox at work within me: As much as I want to be a part of this world, I want to be apart from it as well!

I tackled the "not safe" feeling first. Under Kuan Yin's tutelage, I assembled, consecrated, and charged a juju bundle with Her energy, which I could then use in my inner Work. Success, so far - I am feeling safe again. The "avoiding loss" desire will be more challenging and complex to transmute, but I have all the confidence that it will happen. After all, I've become an expert on Shadow-work, these past ten years, if nothing else! ;-)

So I take a breather between chakras, and move into celebration of the Solstice. It's high time for me to let my inside children out for a little playtime! The deeper work will percolate on the backburner for now, until I move closer to the start of the harvest season.

(Lest you think San Francisco was less than enjoyable - it was not. I'll post about that next time; suffice for now to say, I want to return sooner rather than later!) :-)

...update...

Heidy ho to my posse...all six of you... ;-)

Just a brief note:
I am on an intensive right now, being guided by Kuan Yin.
I have felt my energy shifting, and expect more shifts in the very near future.
The world no longer looks terribly dark & scary... :-)

~end of line~
(oh, am I dating myself? lol!)

Raindrops in May ~ Validate the Grey

A very rare event in my neck of the woods: it's raining. In May. When normally the high pressure arrives in its summer home in the desert next door and begins to crank up the heat.
Rain!
Needless to say, the Princess is a pissy pussy today. ;-) She can't go out because it's too wet-windy-cold and glares at us humans who share "her" abode and says, "I would ask you to stop the rain, but since you haven't done so in the past, I'm not even going to bother this time!" And she returns to her sulking sleep.

The May rain fits in perfectly with my mood.
My days off have become retreat days, pajama days, where I just stay in my pj's and watch the intermittent rain, when I'm not reading a book. The one I'm reading just now is Graves' The White Goddess, a classic text, and the latest text in my self-directed Spritual Feminism course.
Initially I was going to pass it on after I read it, but now I'm not so sure. It's chock full of juicy information, from a time & a place that has struck an unexpected chord of resonance within me. I found another lifetime there, in Wales, in the centuries just before the Inquisition came into horrible manifestation on this plane. I wonder what Greece holds for me - maybe with my next vision quest...
I have been sitting with the darker places, the softer places, in this time of Retreat. I'm not ready to share yet, but I will tell you progress is being made. I think.
In the meantime, think of me as the dragon comfortably ensconced in her lair, wings folded, watching the rain and waiting patiently for the sun to peek out from behind the clouds and bring the heat back to her realm.
TTFN!

ps ~ for anyone who notices the deleted comment: I deleted it because it was e-spam. I'm not fond of spam in any form and if I find it, it's gone. Kind of like the agreement I have with black widow spiders... ;-)

Falling off the Face of the Earth

(well, the cyber-earth, at any rate...)

Just as a brief update:
The Shadow of San Francisco reached out and touched me. I have been shaken to my very core, & shown where I need to direct my Mind*full attention.

I have entered into another fallow period in my life, where I can do no more than sit, and wait, and observe. I know this, too, shall pass, so no worries there; when the words come, I'll share them with you.

Until further notice, you can find me floating silently in the ether of the In-Between...

Made it!

I post this live & direct from the lovely city of San Francisco itself. :-)

It took nearly two days of driving, many loads of packing and unpacking, and some very annoying moments of navigating tons of one-way streets (gaahhh! lol)...but it's all been worth it! The view out of g-flirt's window is incredible! I will have her email me a pic of it - which I will then see if I can upload (mm - adventures in posting pictures! lol)

We rented a hybrid car to drive up from San Diego. I had some questions about how it would do on the highways, but it did very nicely. It's very sensitive to the touch of the steering wheel, and it's totally fascinating watching the electric system at work as we're driving. I am completely sold...when my loyal Mazda Polaris finally gives up the electronic ghost, my next car will be a hybrid. You saw it here first! :-D Tomorrow I turn it in and surrender to the terribly efficient public transportation system here.

The hard part is finally over. Now the fun part can begin!
I may post more before I get home, or I may not. I don't know...

...picking up where i left off...

I usually don't stop mid-flow and jump out,
but yesterday the intent skewed sideways.
I wasn't writing what I wanted to write.

So here's a bit of where I thought I was going to go...
I'm feeling very much outside of time.
Allowing things to come up and be done as they would.
Yet mother is still wanting me to adhere to a schedule and contemplate agendas.
I wonder if my being "unglued"
Is another form of procrastination
I'm using to maintain some sense of "control" over my life?

And speaking of things that make you go hmmm,
Perhaps it was a premonition of the chaos
I was going to experience later at work that day,
so I stopped writing to gather in all of my energies, mais non?

Because work was a bitch and a half, maybe even two bitches!
starting with the onslaught of (sleepwalking) callers
& ending with a screaming hissy match
between my other three co-workers.
UGH! :-(

Just now,
I stopped in on one of my communal boards
Looking to see if there were any nibbles.
I found NONE
& felt disgusted.

Right, it's over! I thought.
I'm not noticed anymore! I'm SO quitting!
Then I did a double-take:
It's not them.
It's me.

I'm totally in the "Land of Overwhelm" right now.
I am this far from Total Spiritual/Emotional Burnout.
Praise the GODS I have this trip to SF coming up next week!
I'm beginning to realize that I really need it!

When I get back,
THEN, I'll see
what my next move is.

Yes. I can deal with that.
Let me just survive the rest of this week...!

Navigating the In*Between

Oh, hai, here I am... ;-)
In Between.

This last week or so was a challenge at work. We switched over to using a new operator software system. It turns out there were more kinks in it than we realized. (I've started a kvetching list. lol) Since we were ALL "newbies," even though some of us were a bit more familiar with it, having entered all of our current clients into it - a task that was supposed to take two weeks, but ended up taking two months, tyvm! - well, let's just say ALL of us have had at least one "moment" where we've been ready to tear our hair out & run screaming out of the office, never to return! In my case, I just ran down to the "big" bathroom (in the office complex) and spent a couple of minutes screaming my head off, and making various noises of discomfort & distress. Spleen vented, I was much better! (lol)

Meanwhile, my "sister from another mother" has finished up a chapter of her life in holding space, as it were, for her grandfather to cross over. Now that the dust has settled, the Universe has pointed her North, to relocate in San Francisco. In the middle of all the chaos, I've gone from toying with the idea of going to actually covering my shifts and, just now, purchasing my plane ticket to fly back home. Behold the Power of Consciously Intended Manifestation! :-D Significant Lessons to be learned here...!

(you know what, i think i'll come back to this later.) ;-)

Separation!

So I had found these two threads...

One thread was the fear of dying, decay, and all that - not death itself, but the journey there. (As I discuss in the previous post.)
The other thread was a familiar one: loneliness. I want to step forward into the search for Right Relationship in my life, to seek and find the Beloved, but taking that leap has not happened as of yet. Open, yet reserved - that's me.
As I journaled on Monday, I wrote about these threads, and noticed that I used one word to describe both of them: Separation.

AH! That's it!
The fear of my mortality & mortal processes signals a separation within: "mind" from "body."
The feeling of loneliness signals a separation without: *I* carry the dis*connect I feel from with world; *I* carry the shield to hold others at arm's length.

And that's the whole idea, isn't it?
Have I not been conditioned to feel "separation," in my*self and around my*self, from the beginning? Haven't we all been conditioned this way, at least in the West?
This is our POD-conditioning...what the Power-Over Dominators need us to feel in order to stay "on top," as it were.

This is the conditioning we need to transmute & release.
This is the skin I need to shed.
Separation is but an illusion - smoke and mirrors.
Forewarned is fore-armed...or is that four-legged? ;-)

If you're not time anxiety...what are you?

Well, after the wonderful period of time leading up to and including Ostara, with my CD ready to be picked up (as soon as I could set a definitive time to stop by! lol), you'd think I would have been jumping for joy!
Instead...I could feel threads of depression wanting to wend their way into my psyche.

It wasn't Time Anxiety; I've shifted out of that.
I realize, in fact, that I'm shifting out of chronos-time, that is oh-so-carefully monitored, counted, and doled out, lest it be squandered, or worse, wasted! ~ and into kairos time, where everything happens in Divine Perfect Timing, whether it happens today, tomorrow, or even sometime next week! ;-)
So if this isn't Time Anxiety, what is it, then? Reveal Thyself!
And I received an answer...

See, I've been putting off scheduling my annual dr. appointments because I'm "convinced" that they're going to tell me that my time is indeed winding down sooner instead of later. There's a "belief" in my head that I'm going to cross over from ovarian cancer, to be specific.
Say what? :-o
Where on earth did you get that idea?! I asked myself.
Well, start with some previous life memories of, indeed, crossing over because of ovarian cancer. Add a belief of, "I hated being female for so many years in this life, this is what I've manifested
for myself."
Then toss in Blade Consciousness, which already desperately wants to avoid the natural & inevitable processes of entropy & decay...and voila!

Then I distilled it even further: I fear my mortality because I fear Loss and Change.
Now, "Change" and I have become, if not bosom buddies, at least good friends. I am comfortable enough with it. "Loss," however - ah, there's the rub.
So I invite it to sit with me at the table and have a spot of tea...

sixty-six

This weekend is/was a special one.
This is the weekend of my mother's birthday.
The titular number of this entry is her age as of this moment...another notch on the belt.

She was born in a city named Independence - for her, quite fitting!
She had a rich life of adventure long before I came into the picture, loving long before she met the man she was to marry, the one who I would know, albeit briefly, as "father."

She has an air of serenity about her that would rival Mother Teresa. For a long time, I despaired of ever possessing that serenity myself. (But I do now, ah! I do!)

She has defied the odds in her life time & again:
She had a healthy child when it was 50/50 that her child would carry the same deficiencies that plagued her (phosphate-deficiency rickets, among other things)
She is still walking long after the doctors predicted she would be confined to a wheelchair.
Yea, she is still breathing, upright, & mobile years after several of those same doctors predicted her demise!

True, she is on the descent of the curve of life, but she is proceeding forward with grace & humor, leavening to her kvetching about the aging process. "Growing old ain't for sissies!" she quips often these days.

Yes, many times I wonder if we're even reading the same book of life, let alone whether or not we're on the same page! But there is a bond between us that is frankly missing between many mothers & daughters in this transitional age we move through today...and for that, I'm very deeply grateful. :-)

Happy Birthday, Mom.

oh wowwee!! :-)

Some snippets of what has happened in the intervening time...

~I have beheld three amazing Tantric dancers embody the suffering of our sisters in Africa, then take that suffering and transform it into radical healing & warmfuzzylove support.

~I have confirmed/affirmed the dragon energy that flows through my veins - the dragon that started out as a serpent, then sprouted wings and began to fly!

~I found sanctuary for dreaming in the lap of Kuan Yin. She also passed on lessons in Compassion, and simply be*ing in the moment.

~I stood before Sekhmet, Her*Self, and watched as She went through my agreements, and found my Time Anxiety, and ripped it apart with Her claws! - then invited me to obliterate it completely with my Dragon's Fire!

~I have beheld two dozen zinnia seeds germinate, and shoot up to the sun. I have transplanted these shoots; some have survived the transition, others have not - and it's all okay.

~I have danced and twirled and moved before the lens of a camera, first to capture an image for my CD, then later simply to play. Some of the images that were captured are breathtaking in their symbolism...!

~I brought my Voice to the table, through my throat and through my drum. I Sang & drummed and played with nine of my sisters, and a structure for ritual took shape before my eyes. I now have a "workshop," or as I prefer to call it, a play~date, that I can take out on the road with me along with my CD!

Shadow stirs within me as well:
I found myself sharing in the collective funk that seems to have hit this week. The time anxiety has dissipated, but another anxiety lay beneath it. Call it the fear of decay. It's not a fear of death - but rather, of dying.
Specifically, I had a "belief" that I was destined to die of ovarian cancer. This is not the first time this "belief" has surfaced, but now it's arisen Front & Center in my awareness. I see this as the manifestation of Blade-Consciousness within me, as well as the "Light-Chaser" fear of death & entropy that spurs us to pursue a sort of "transcendent perfection."
I see this an an opportunity to remember the Lesson of the Shaman: In order to live, you must die. The two states are simply sides of the same coin.
So I sit with this as the moon wanes, and I emerge from the Moon Lodge...

And, last but not least - Phoenix~Song is HERE! The CD is in my hot little hands! WOOT!!
I look forward to the Visual to match the Audio very shortly...!! :-D

Patience vs. Time Anxiety

I have come to see that the Universe has been nagging at my attention to get me to focus on Patience in my life.
So I took inventory...
I found it in scarce supply in my work life. I've been counting down the days till the first of May, when I was planning to give notice, and strike out on my own, damn the torpedoes!
I also found a glut of it in my love life - or should I say my "lack of" love live. I am a bachelorette, you see, and do not find myself in any particular hurry to find my Beloved for this lifetime. I don't even have the desire to let my "inner Samantha" (think Sex & the City) out to play. I can vouch for the fact that I have a very healthy libido, though; think "self-reliance." ;-)

So, back to Patience. Perhaps it would serve me to balance it out in my life a bit better - a little more in my work situation, and a little less in my relationship situation. But first, I had to ask myself, why the imbalance in the first place?

The answer has to do with Time Anxiety.
Recently it's come to my conscious awareness that I feel like I'm "living on borrowed time": Sometime very soon, the clock of my life will strike midnight, the spell will break, and boom! I'll drop dead in my tracks. Quite irrational, yes - but this comes from a place where reason & logic hold no sway.
I know it has its origins in the issues I've had in previous lifetimes with longevity...I've crossed over at a relatively young age, and often quite abruptly & violently, before. I've lived comparatively few lifetimes where I've actually expired simply due to "old age." So there is this belief within me that, since it's happened before, why won't it happen again?

Well...
Because I chose my parents for this lifetime very well. Both come from families with long-lived members - and both come from families known for their sheer cussed stubbornness. ;-)
Because my body tells me, all things being equal, I'm good for at least another fifty years.
And because I have become aware that an "anniversary" of sorts is coming up. It seems I have crossed over, at least once, at the Spring Equinox. Once that has passed, I should stop this spiritual hyperventilation.
Besides, I'm going to be far too busy birthing my new healing circle to be concerned about what did or did not happen during past equinoxes, anyway! :-D More on that later.

So I shall accept this invitation from the Universe to surrender to Patience, and work at letting all things in my life unfold in Divine Perfect Timing, and try to keep out of my own way.
I could use the practice... ;-)

NEXT!

So in a few short days I'm going to have a CD!
Now I want a cover for this CD...and for that, I have a friend who is a very creative priestess (& Goddess of Photoshop) ;-)

I've just booked the date for a photo shoot with her, on the 18th.
She says she takes 60-80 pics in the shoot.
I'm only going to need one pic, maybe a handful, so what do I do with the rest?

Perhaps I'll fulfill another dream, & have some pictures taken that celebrate me, in this lovely temple that is my body, with the pics that don't go toward the album.

After I booked the shoot, I did a happy dance.
Aw yeah, I'm on the mooove! HAI!! :-D

PHWAR!

Oh Great Mother what a weekend!

Friday night, to get the mojo working, I listened to Astarius' Echoes of Eternity & sang along. If you're not familiar with his transformative vocals, visit him at astarius.com - after you've read this entry, of course. ;-)

Saturday the time at work flew by, since everyone & their sister in Southern California decided to call that day! But it kept me busy at least, until my shift ended and I got into the car to drive over to Vista.
As I walked up to the door to the recording studio, I felt a thrill. Ohmahgawds, I can't believe I'm about to DO this!

I walked in and met my mixmaster, a young gentleman named Sean.
"So you're the doctor who's recording today," he said. I laugh. I've tried to explain what I'm going to do several times, but the words are not quite accurate. So I'm just going to have to DO it, I guess... ;-)

So in the little booth, with the microphone a few inches from my face, I counted down from ten, opened my mouth, and began the Singing.
Forty-eight minutes later, the transmissions were finished coming through me. I walked in and found Sean's mind completely blown. "I think we've entered the realm of the Doors," he said to me. (me and the lizard king - aw hell yah! without illicit substances, no less!)
Then came the fun part...naming the tracks, and arranging them for optimum expression. On a Macintosh, just a matter of cutting & pasting. :-)
By this time next week, I will have a CD of my very own. Phoenix~Song is going to take flight!

To celebrate, I followed my recording session with a hearty spat of drumming with my sistahs of the drum in San Diego. (check them out at sdwomensdrumcircle.com, if ya wanna)

So that was Saturday. Now for Sunday...
J-Celt & I carpooled up to Irvine where resides the Goddess Temple of Orange County. They have Sunday Services there every week. Once upon a time, I never would have thought I'd be attending "Sunday Services" on a regular basis, but there you are. ;-)
This week's priestess: the one & only Z. Budapest! For those who don't know, she is one of the foremothers/grandmothers of the modern "Divine Feminist" movement - and you can check her out at zbudapest.com. (So how many of these gratuitous plugs you think I can get away with? lol)
Anyway, she spoke on the state of the Maiden today - the young women who have not yet borne children in our society - and shared with us the stories of Persephone & Joan of Arc in the time she had with us. She stayed afterwards to sign copies of books she'd authored...and she signed my copy of Grandmother Moon. Sweet! :-D

It was a total honor to light the Temple's Maiden candle in her presence. It was a pleasure being a part of the maiden's dance in her presence. (Technically, I am still a maiden, since I haven't borne any children, nor does it look like I will in this lifetime - but that's a topic for another posting.)
As if that weren't enough, I exchanged cards with a couple of representatives from metaphysical shops, one in San Diego, the other in Huntington Beach, which hold workshops on a regular basis! Shaman, present thyself! ;-) That's my next item on the list...visiting these shops & offering my Creation to share with others. :-) The Temple may host one of my Creations in the future, if the price is right...

So now I'm coming down off of this ecstatic high of Movement! in my life.
I have been advised that these twenty-one days, between now & the Equinox, are going to be some very sacred days indeed.
To which I say, More, please - and Thank You!

C o m i n g~together

On my way home from work, I began to split hairs about the Leaving...should I leave at this point in May or that point? Should I take the time off, come back in June, and then give notice? You know, lovely Libra indecision! ;-)

Well, today's call with P. changed that and clarified the path.
I had informed her that I was going into the studio on Saturday to record my CD.
(I'm going to say that again: I'm going into the studio on Saturday to record my CD!! WOOT!)
And she's throwing out ideas about what we can do after the Utah trip - like going to New Mexico in August...and visiting other places...

Back up a moment:
WE.
Her, me, her spouse, and whoever else of our Spiritual Posse is free to come with.

Oh mah gawds - it's coming together!

Back up another step:
When I attended Michael Beckwith's seminar in November, I was advised that travel was going to be a significant part of my life. Then, I couldn't quite see how that was going to work; but now, I can. It will be with my posse. :-)

Breathe deeply. Go-Time is around the corner!

putting my cards on the table

...or, why I've been so terribly quiet as of late...

Well, as soon as I made up my mind about giving notice at work in May, there came along a situation involving personality conflict between two of my co-workers, and wouldn't you know I jumped right in and provided a solution: I would shift my schedule so that these two would be overlapping one less hour in the week, and a greater peace might be attained. I called it win-win situation - less conflict between them, and a nicer schedule for me. :-)

Of course, to my highly ethical self, this meant that I probably wouldn't be leaving work in May after all...for what kind of person would I be if I shifted my schedule, only to quit a few weeks down the road?

Then along came the lunar eclipse during the full moon, combined with a sudden change in the weather (back to cold & wintery wet). Then along came my monthly trip into the moon lodge, when I know my emotions are going to run closer to the surface anyway. When I found myself collapsed on the bed, howling "I want OUT!" at the top of my lungs - well, I knew something was going to have to give.

In this whole process, I've been releasing a victim mentality that I've carried within me for far too long...she who feels small, powerless, & trapped. As I mentioned earlier, I can put up with any work situation as long as I know it's not "forever." But I can't just walk away from a situation where I've set myself up as "invaluable." That wouldn't be kosher, right?

Isn't that what I did at the synagogue, though?

So after pondering the situation, I do believe I'm going to return to the original plan, take that leap of faith, and quit in May. There is a part of me that is jumping for joy...and there is a part that is downright stunned. You can't just up and leave! she cries in disbelief. (It is, of course, the highly ethical part that is stunned.)

You know, staying would fall back into the whole "sacrificing myself for the greater good," and I am SO done with that. It's high time I broke character, and pulled this rod out of my ass for good!

I leave the door open for staying in this job - but really, it's open only a crack. ;-)

Now this is what I've been intending!

I have received confirmation that my first healing circle will be March 21st!
This is the first one where I will be in the driver's seat, and I won't have to worry about whether my contribution will offend anyone! :-)

And today I finally made THE CALL.
Yes, I rang up the recording studio to see what was available.
Would you believe...March 1st?!?

So I will be in the studio, Singing onto a CD, sooner rather than later!

Oh my - YES! itsfinallystartingtohappen!!!

I was going to hit the ground running around this time last year, after I left the synagogue (remember?)
Instead, I went through some dynamic internal transformation. And there was also that lovely li'l side trip to Australia ;-)

Then I was going to hit the ground running on New Year's this year.
But I had not finished the year of transformation yet! See, this "next chapter" began on February 1st last year...so I needed to complete the cycle before I could enter the new one.

Enter it, however, I have.
Strap in & hang on! :-D

"Gung Hai Fat Choi!"

That's "Happy New Year" in Chinese, I think. The spelling may be a wee bit off... ;-)

I blog here one week after a miraculous momentum shift!
Before Imbolc (which was on the 2nd), I was crabby, melancholy, and in the throes of Divine Discontent. "Captain Crankypants" was in the house & not in the mood to save anyone!
On the day before, I saw who I could be if I stayed in this energy - Judging everyone. "Should"*ing on everyone. The Indigo Diva had arisen from the dead and was chomping at the bit to open up a can of whoop-ass on everyone around her! :-o
I drew all of this energy together, then chose to step out of it.

Came the next day, Imbolc itself, and my attitude had done a complete 180.
I was content, because I knew everything was/is falling into place. All shall occur in Perfect Divine Timing. All of my dreams are unfolding before me in Real*I*Zation!
I have not felt this certain about everything since I believed my life was going to revolve around hammerhead sharks. They turned out to be the means to the end, rather than the end in itself; my ideas to record a CD and start up these healing circles may be the means to the end as well. We shall see...

The feeling of YES! is still here a week later.
And I am basking in the certainty of Beginning Anew. :-D

one year!

So my little blog is one year old. :-)

My journey is a year old as well.
Things haven't unfolded as I thought they would.
Instead of charging forward, I went within, attending to some Radical Transformation.
I see I had to finish the inner Work before I could start the outer Work.

Now...
I. Am. Ready.
I am Woman/Watch me Soar!

confession time...

I think I finally put two and two together, though it's been obvious for a while...

Every job I've had, there's come a time where I feel "trapped" in it.
I haven't found that one job that fills me with enthusiastic joy, where I can't wait to get to work that day.
What I think I need to do is temp.
I've flirted with the idea before, but I've been reluctant to commit to temping. The last time, because I wanted "only" part-time work.
Now, though, I've grown up a little. ;-)

I see that I can put up with pretty much anything as long as I know it will come to an end eventually - maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next month, but it's not "forever."

So here's the plan right now:
Work at the answering service till May. Put in my notice May 1st. Have a week of downtime before I make a very special Spiritual Journey with one of my co-conspirators to Utah. Come June, I hit the temp agencies, when summer jobs begin to open up.

By that time, temping should be only one piece of my income puzzle. :-)

stuff

Boy howdy, it's been a strange one!

First, I can now expand on the woman*stuff that I've been processing...
I have brought my awareness into this being a woman in this lifetime. I have brought the Earth & Star energies within me into greater harmony. During the new moon that began this year, I felt myself sinking into my body, taking root in it still further. As I reconnect with my woman*self, I understand, more & more, the struggles & the suppression that women have faced under the power-over dominator paradigm. As without, so within - I've had a few major lightbulbs go off over my head as I've realized my struggle and the struggle have been the same on many wavelengths. Truly, the work that we do within us changes the world around us!

Second, the more I've gotten attuned to these finer frequencies, the nastier work has become!
I'm going to be letting this go and moving on sooner rather than later. The vibration at work is so soul-deadening! I find my enthusiasm and motivation staying at home instead of coming with me out into the world; I find people content to stay in their prisons and not work to make Change in their lives...and don't get me started about some of the sleepwalking fools that call us, believing themselves to be the center of the Universe, customers & clients alike! I find myself getting snarly and sarcastic just to survive the day - and I find myself completely wiped after the day is done and I'm squared away at home! If I'm going to help people work through their Shadows, I need to do it in an environment that helps the healer and the recipient, and what I've got going right now is so NOT it!

So, once mother and I figure out taxes, and once they've switched over to the new answering system at work, I am gone. Done. Call me when you're ready to wake up, okay?

Then there's the whole "Dark Night of the Collective Soul" that's unfolding for most of this year. See, if you follow the Mayan calendar timeline (which I peek in on now & again), the Fifth Night began mid-November '07. Heavy & intense Shadow-energy is resurfacing during this time...the same energy last present during the World Wars, and before that, the Dark Ages. The power-over dominators are trying to use this energy to consolidate their position against the Transition that is approaching in 2011-12 - but this is a golden opportunity to take these Shadow energies and shift them for good and all, releasing those things that hold us back as a species and haven't served us for a very long time! It's not easy work by a long shot, but it's well worth the effort.

Take these things, add some "PMS," which is really a signal to go within to the Moon Lodge, and position it in the season of Winter, the time for hibernation - and yah, it really is a strange trip!
Fortunately Imbolc is just around the corner.
So I put a few things off till Spring begins to tiptoe across the earth in this hemisphere, and allow other things to come together slowly and easily. I'll be all right; just excuse me while I hit the snooze button... ;-)

verrrry interesting...

So when I wrote the intention of shifting myself out of the work-space I was in, I didn't think the workspace itself would shift. But the potential is there...

Oz wanted to have a chat with me before I started my shift yesterday.
Turns out he wanted to discuss what he'd read in the copy of The Four Agreements I'd lent him.
So we did, and in the course of this discussion, he shared with me parts of the vision he had for the company.
(In case you don't know, he joined us in September to take over the reigns, gradually, from Special-K, the owner/boss of the answering service.)

I'm pretty sure Oz hasn't had this conversation with all of the other operators.
I'm also pretty sure that he wants me to be a significant part of this grand vision of his.
What that will entail, neither of us are quite sure at this point.

I do allow for the possibility of staying in this job if it actually does shift its shape significantly.
It will be interesting to see exactly what Oz will do to keep me on his payroll...or, rather, what we agree to co-create to keep me on his payroll.

I think this is one of the reasons why we incarnate with so much unknown - so we can delight in the surprises Life gifts to us as it unfolds before our eyes...

~m o v e m e n t ~

This is my mantra for 2008.
Movement.

My body craves movement & activity.
I don't get enough of it at my work.
And I really don't need any other part of my anatomy locking up on me!

So this year I will seek out avenues of gentle movement to improve my flexibility...
There is a yoga studio in town that I'm going to check out, and if I like it, sign up for classes. $10/class is a fair price, eh!
There is also a Pilates studio on the coast that caught my eye, which I will investigate.

I'm also going to move the energies around in my life so I can release the work situation I'm in and bring my prosperity activity into better alignment with my life purpose - in other words, do work that I love!
First on the list: securing time at the recording studio I found last year, then actually going in and seeing what comes through my larynx.

Come the spring I'm going to see if there is a market for my brand of healing/energy play circles. There are several metaphysical shops in my area that hold regular classes & host guest speakers...

Time to put some of this mojo to good work, methinks. ;-)

the old year's farewell (un poem)

You celebrate my demise
by dancing in the streets
but I do not begrudge you...

My burden must have grown heavy
for you to sigh in such profound relief
as it slipped silently off your shoulders...

So now you are standing
at the head of my successor
and behold a virgin path
yet to be trod upon.

What will your first step be?

(vsd 1/1/08)