Monday, February 25, 2008

putting my cards on the table

...or, why I've been so terribly quiet as of late...

Well, as soon as I made up my mind about giving notice at work in May, there came along a situation involving personality conflict between two of my co-workers, and wouldn't you know I jumped right in and provided a solution: I would shift my schedule so that these two would be overlapping one less hour in the week, and a greater peace might be attained. I called it win-win situation - less conflict between them, and a nicer schedule for me. :-)

Of course, to my highly ethical self, this meant that I probably wouldn't be leaving work in May after all...for what kind of person would I be if I shifted my schedule, only to quit a few weeks down the road?

Then along came the lunar eclipse during the full moon, combined with a sudden change in the weather (back to cold & wintery wet). Then along came my monthly trip into the moon lodge, when I know my emotions are going to run closer to the surface anyway. When I found myself collapsed on the bed, howling "I want OUT!" at the top of my lungs - well, I knew something was going to have to give.

In this whole process, I've been releasing a victim mentality that I've carried within me for far too long...she who feels small, powerless, & trapped. As I mentioned earlier, I can put up with any work situation as long as I know it's not "forever." But I can't just walk away from a situation where I've set myself up as "invaluable." That wouldn't be kosher, right?

Isn't that what I did at the synagogue, though?

So after pondering the situation, I do believe I'm going to return to the original plan, take that leap of faith, and quit in May. There is a part of me that is jumping for joy...and there is a part that is downright stunned. You can't just up and leave! she cries in disbelief. (It is, of course, the highly ethical part that is stunned.)

You know, staying would fall back into the whole "sacrificing myself for the greater good," and I am SO done with that. It's high time I broke character, and pulled this rod out of my ass for good!

I leave the door open for staying in this job - but really, it's open only a crack. ;-)

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