Tuesday, April 1, 2008

If you're not time anxiety...what are you?

Well, after the wonderful period of time leading up to and including Ostara, with my CD ready to be picked up (as soon as I could set a definitive time to stop by! lol), you'd think I would have been jumping for joy!
Instead...I could feel threads of depression wanting to wend their way into my psyche.

It wasn't Time Anxiety; I've shifted out of that.
I realize, in fact, that I'm shifting out of chronos-time, that is oh-so-carefully monitored, counted, and doled out, lest it be squandered, or worse, wasted! ~ and into kairos time, where everything happens in Divine Perfect Timing, whether it happens today, tomorrow, or even sometime next week! ;-)
So if this isn't Time Anxiety, what is it, then? Reveal Thyself!
And I received an answer...

See, I've been putting off scheduling my annual dr. appointments because I'm "convinced" that they're going to tell me that my time is indeed winding down sooner instead of later. There's a "belief" in my head that I'm going to cross over from ovarian cancer, to be specific.
Say what? :-o
Where on earth did you get that idea?! I asked myself.
Well, start with some previous life memories of, indeed, crossing over because of ovarian cancer. Add a belief of, "I hated being female for so many years in this life, this is what I've manifested
for myself."
Then toss in Blade Consciousness, which already desperately wants to avoid the natural & inevitable processes of entropy & decay...and voila!

Then I distilled it even further: I fear my mortality because I fear Loss and Change.
Now, "Change" and I have become, if not bosom buddies, at least good friends. I am comfortable enough with it. "Loss," however - ah, there's the rub.
So I invite it to sit with me at the table and have a spot of tea...

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