Friday, March 14, 2008

Patience vs. Time Anxiety

I have come to see that the Universe has been nagging at my attention to get me to focus on Patience in my life.
So I took inventory...
I found it in scarce supply in my work life. I've been counting down the days till the first of May, when I was planning to give notice, and strike out on my own, damn the torpedoes!
I also found a glut of it in my love life - or should I say my "lack of" love live. I am a bachelorette, you see, and do not find myself in any particular hurry to find my Beloved for this lifetime. I don't even have the desire to let my "inner Samantha" (think Sex & the City) out to play. I can vouch for the fact that I have a very healthy libido, though; think "self-reliance." ;-)

So, back to Patience. Perhaps it would serve me to balance it out in my life a bit better - a little more in my work situation, and a little less in my relationship situation. But first, I had to ask myself, why the imbalance in the first place?

The answer has to do with Time Anxiety.
Recently it's come to my conscious awareness that I feel like I'm "living on borrowed time": Sometime very soon, the clock of my life will strike midnight, the spell will break, and boom! I'll drop dead in my tracks. Quite irrational, yes - but this comes from a place where reason & logic hold no sway.
I know it has its origins in the issues I've had in previous lifetimes with longevity...I've crossed over at a relatively young age, and often quite abruptly & violently, before. I've lived comparatively few lifetimes where I've actually expired simply due to "old age." So there is this belief within me that, since it's happened before, why won't it happen again?

Because I chose my parents for this lifetime very well. Both come from families with long-lived members - and both come from families known for their sheer cussed stubbornness. ;-)
Because my body tells me, all things being equal, I'm good for at least another fifty years.
And because I have become aware that an "anniversary" of sorts is coming up. It seems I have crossed over, at least once, at the Spring Equinox. Once that has passed, I should stop this spiritual hyperventilation.
Besides, I'm going to be far too busy birthing my new healing circle to be concerned about what did or did not happen during past equinoxes, anyway! :-D More on that later.

So I shall accept this invitation from the Universe to surrender to Patience, and work at letting all things in my life unfold in Divine Perfect Timing, and try to keep out of my own way.
I could use the practice... ;-)

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