Friday, March 27, 2009

~sitting with resistance~

Not that long ago, at the last quarter moon, I got around to writing an "unsent letter" containing emotions that have been needing to come to the surface for a while, around a friend who is no longer in Cali with me. I was also aware that I had some resentment around my mother that I needed to release as well. (The normal stuff you might feel around a parental unit? Increase it by several factors when you actually live with said unit! HA!)
Okay, fine. Releasing took place.

Then I feel something deeper within my body, within my chest...something which might lead to greater difficulties later if not addressed now. All right; let's invite this to the surface and sit with it, perhaps take tea with it even.
I send out the invitation to this dense, intense sensation, which many would call "pain": What are you trying to tell me, lovely one?
I am not feeling supported, I receive the response. I am not feeling respected in the choices I am making for myself.
What do you need to feel supported? I ask.
The reply was sudden and vehement: I need everyone around me to BACK OFF!

My name is Victoria and I am a (recovering) Control Freak...
Once, I needed to be In Control, of Everything in My Life, at All Times.
Slowly, with gentleness, I have peeled my fingers off the yoke, one by one, and allowed myself to be more of a "co-pilot" in my life; now and again, particularly when I channel, I step aside altogether - yet I'm always ready to take back the yoke if needed. (This comes in particuarly handy if I begin to channel while!)
A good friend told me once that you're always recovering; you never get to recovered.
I am beginning to see the truth in her words.

A part of me is resisting this forward motion in my life - a deep part, feeling insecure, resisting fiercely - threatening to raise the resistance bar if necessary. I don't take well to threats.
But this is not the time for direct action, not yet.
This is the time to sit, and listen, and ask...what do we need to feel supported?

I've lived my way into some answers:
Expression - I need to tell more of my truth, faster. (with a tip of the hat to SARK)
Creation - If I learn nothing else from exploring my artistic side with Miss Leonie and my fellow creatrices, it's that "making art" is not something I just "save for a rainy day."
This must become fully integrated into my life.
It's a wonderful and appropriate outlet for whatever nervous energies build up within me.
Motion - My body craves movement. Truth is, I sit too damn much...if not at this computer, then at the computer where I work! I have thought about yoga, and the Universe has confirmed that yoga would serve me well. I've been procrastinating, though, waiting to find a class - waiting for the Universe to drop my perfect yoga opportunity into my lap.
News flash: not only will that NOT happen, but I have the key to open that door already in my possession, in the form of a Gentle Yoga Kit that I "accidentally" received! So I've begun micromoving into the kit, and am poised to take the next step: moving into trying the asanas.

At the dark moon, I worked directly with the "pain," seeing if I could love it into shifting with my Mothers' Stone (a nice sized rose quartz I have in my possession).
Shifting? Not yet - but it's totally in my awareness now, at the surface, tender and vulnerable. Trigger points just to the left, and just above, my heart center.
My next assignment, I've been advised, is to Let It Be. No extra ceremony, no stones, no deep intention...just loving touch and observation free of judgment.
Wait. Watch. Listen.

This is not a path for everyone. This is the path I choose to walk.

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