Friday, May 15, 2009

making room...

So, support has been my keyword for much of this lunar cycle, and it looks like it will remain my keyword through (at least) the summer.
The other day, in fact, I dropped in to my lower back, to feel what was there...and it brought me to tears.
Longing, to be with another - a Beloved.
I cried and felt and honored in the shower, allowing the water to wash away my pain...pain which had been exasperated by my mother, at that point in time...

We had an argument, my mother and I, on Mother's Day, of all days.
It was over something so trivial it was ridiculous, but it showed just how far apart we are on certain ways we view life.
It also showed me conditional love and support: what I could receive had attachments, and caveats, and could be withdrawn entirely on a whim.
And this revelation devastated me, for haven't we been raised that our parents will provide us Unconditional Love and Support, no matter what?
Ha. One more illusion shattered, thank you Coyote!

More and more, I am coming into acceptance, though, for two reasons:
One, I know it's my mother's Shadows talking, placing limits on her love. She herself is very loving, but she can become so deeply entangled in her Shadow-prison that her loving light is eclipsed.
Two, and this is the key point...Not only is she unable to give me the love and support I'm looking for, she's not supposed to be giving me the love and support I'm looking for. Period!
That is the role of the Beloved! (lover, mate, life-partner, what have you.)

The more I sit with this, and look at the situation, the more I see that I have been so entangled with my mother that I've been closed to all other opportunities to grow and express my deepest Authenticity. I've even said at one point: "I can't let anyone else into my life until my mother dies, because she fills that space for me already."
This from a shapeshifter who believes she can share herself completely with more than one partner?!? And then I wonder why all of my friends ask me, "When are you going to leave your mother?"

FFS, I've been a blind fool!
No, scratch that - I wasn't ready, until now.
So I work at disentangling my energies from my mother's energies, detaching myself from her on the emotional/astral levels. I've already detached from the mental level, but I needed to understand in my heart that it was time to let go.

As for the physical moving...not at this moment.
First, I have lots on my plate right now, with a job, bills to help pay, and creations to bring forth - not to mention that my healingway will be most effective with a stable homebase, and without having to worry about re-inventing my safe space.
Second, I freely admit it, the economy is totally made of suck right now, and our personal situation gets a bit sticky now and again. Best to wait till the storm abates and the sky has cleared anew.
Third, another key point, I need someplace to go to before I put in my notice, tie off the loose ends, and leave this part of my life behind. I sent that request out to the Universe.

Now, before you throw up your hands in despair, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
A destination is in the works of manifestation. Super-secret ninja work, going on right now.
When I get the call that it's okay to transplant, I am going. Fer sure. I have made that promise to the Universe...and to myself.

In the meantime, I need to make room within myself for the Beloved...create the vacuum before I can fill it, yes?
And I have my eye on some candidates for filling that vacuum... ;-)
Yes, I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. Ninja policies. (lol)

1 comment:

  1. I can imagine what a huge realization that is-seeing how your relationship with your mother has kept other relationships from forming.

    and a huge brave thing to realize you don't have to wait until she's gone to change that.