January: Persephone - The Maiden

I'm doing a little catching up here, post shape-shifting. Bear with me for a bit... ;-)

Before this year began, I purchased a calendar and "activity book" from my very lovely friend, Goddess Leonie, to square away the old and make space for the new. One of the things she included for this 2012 edition was a section to do a divination for the year to come, so I broke out one of my oracle decks and pulled twelve cards, one for each month.
My intention is to share with you the lessons I've learned, and the insights that have come to me, at the end of each month. As January is the first month on ze calendar, the first Goddess was Persephone. Her message to me was: Find ways to use your innocence as a strength. Thus and so...

An innocent butterfly. (North Carolina, 7/10)

When I drop in to the innocent place within me, deep in my Center, I find emptiness. It's not a hollow or despairing emptiness; rather, it's a rich emptiness - the Void Before Creation, where all is possible, and simply abiding, waiting for the Voice to speak the Word that will make All Things manifest. I can come to this empty space and re-center myself when I'm feeling too full of clutter, too full of the ten thousand details of distraction, and I need to drop everything and reconnect with what is Really Important.
This innocent place, this innocent being within me...she does not judge anyone. She is open to loving and playing with all whom she meets. She runs outside when it's somewhere between rain and sun to look for rainbows. She stops to watch the crows fly across the sky and wonders if she can figure out where they're going. She is captivated by a hummingbird flitting by, a flower blooming, the colors of the sky at sunset. She feels herself expand when the scent of jasmine tickles her nostrils, or when she hears a woodpecker tapping in a tree far above her head. She knows she is a part of the Natural World and feels completely comfortable within it.

Following the Trail. (Kit Carson Park, 1/11)

When I go out into Nature, I drop into this place of Innocence and reconnect with the world around me, along with the gentle softness within me. I fill up the empty places with Authentic Energy and return home refreshed and renewed. As long as I see the Beauty in the "ordinary," I know the innocent one within me is happy and healthy, protected and loved...and I can take these energies and share them with those I meet, known and unknown.
I was grateful to have opportunities to rest in the Emptiness during my Eye of the Needle initiation process. I have emerged from the death/rebirth cycle still rather Empty, giving me the opportunity to be selective about what I want to fill this new space with. I begin to draw the new threads together...

rebooted :-)

"Butterfly At Rest." (Home, 1/12)

 Now that the energies of Winter are yielding in the transitional time of Spring, I find myself landing once more on my feet. I recall, just as Winter was beginning, mentioning something about pushing a Great Cosmic Reset Button. Sometimes my words are more prophetic than I realize at the time I utter them, but isn't that usually how it works? ;-)

2011 was indeed about working with and through my Core Shadows, and the Eye of the Needle initiation I underwent over the Winter stripped away all the parts of Stuck Ego within me. It wasn't always the most pleasant experience; of all the seasons I've walked upon this Path of Spirit, this past Winter was THE most intense one, bar none...and I hear I'm not alone in feeling this. (That's always comforting.) Quite simply, I died unto myself so I could be born anew, which is very shamanic, yes? :-)
Along with the personal work came some Trans-Personal stuff as well: when I was initiated eleven years ago as a Wiccan Priestess (Imbolc 2001), I had NO idea of the baggage that this archetype carried with it. Holding significant Information within while carrying oneself "apart" from the rest of the world had its time and place, but now the time has come to re-merge with the world and share the Information, as widely as possible. A lot of what I call "removing the rod that was up my arse" was the Trans-Personal aspect of this latest round of shape-shifting. The Collective Shadow bound to the Personal Shadow and went poof! thanks to the process of Spiritual Alchemy. :-)

With the dust settling, I find myself, in a sense, back where I started: at the same answering service I left some 21 months ago. I have the same equation: the muggle job on the one hand, and the mystic dreams on the other hand. Having said that, I'm in a completely different place than I was back then (and so is the answering service, Praise the Goddess!) and have a rather different destiny track unfolding before me. There's a sense that I've been "rebooted," and this time, I'm going to Do It Right.
Not that I'm saying that I did it "wrong" previously...when you find that significant energies are rising into your awareness all at once, and some of these energies haven't seen the light of day, so to speak, for several millennia, yah, you're going to be hard-pressed to keep your equilibrium too! Many things were unlocked for me after my Soul Retrieval experience, some of which I'm only now beginning to comprehend!

I find myself looking at the Tabula Rasa, the Blank Slate, which was hiding beneath an unbelievable amount of spiritual clutter. The clutter has now been cleared away. I place my hands upon the smooth clean surface for a moment, close my eyes, and breathe deeply a time or three. Then I pick up the pen, dip it into the ink, and begin to sketch out a new map of Destiny, black lines beginning to criss-cross white paper...

The Great Unlearning

"Flowers of Alienation" (Encinitas, CA 7/10)

  We divorce ourselves from process, even as we yearn for love, companionship, understanding, and communion. We constantly defeat ourselves by questioning, asserting ourselves at the wrong times, or letting hatred and pride cloud our perceptions. Our alienation is self-generated.

~Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao~

These words I read on Friday the 13th last month continue to resonate with me. I have been generating my own alienation for quite a while. It came to me recently: much of my spiritual growth has been motivated by fear and resistance...

Fear of being left behind, left out, or found out as a "fraud": How can I co-create healing and miracles for others when I can't do that for myself? How dare I call myself a Priestess! My inner critics and Judges have been harsh, especially of late, stirring up lots of self-hatred and loathing.

Resistance to what is unfolding in the Now moment before me: I don't like the story as it's being written, so I want to make up my own. I get lost in my head. I want to impose my story upon what is unfolding around me - and when they don't match (which they usually don't), I get angry and frustrated, wanting to scream in rage and sob hysterically, which I've done. Guilty, Your Honor! ;-)

A group of "Should-Be's" (Encinitas, CA 7/10)

All suffering is the space between what you think should be and what is.

~Brian Piergrossi, The Big Glow~

Ah, What I Think Should Be. I "should be" somewhere else than where I am, doing something else than what I'm doing, surrounded by people other than who I know now. Time and again I get caught up in What I Think Should Be, because I am a Priestess. I am "special." I have been "chosen." I am the child whose life was altered with one parent leaving, and changing radically - and then dying of AIDS, a disease transmitted by unprotected sex. I am scarred. I must hold myself apart from everyone, not let anyone get close. I must act and speak according to standards not necessary for "mere" mortals. I must walk a straight-and-narrow path, or nothing I wish for will come true. Ever.

Light at the end of the Tunnel. (Encinitas, CA 9/09)

You must Unlearn what you have learned.

~Jedi Master Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back~

So this is what the Eye of the Needle initiation process has shown me, and brought to the surface of my Awareness before stripping it away. In the beginning, I had "beginning" Shadows to Work with and through; now that I'm advanced, the Shadows get deeper, denser, and more persistent. Coyote sits before me and holds up a mirror. Here are your illusions, kiddo, he says to me. What are you going to do with them?

I move to rewrite the remaining agreements of stuckness. I move to remove the proverbial rod from my ass and release my delusions of "specialness." (Yah, Wayne Dyer has a point after all. Word.) I move to stare down those things that persist in blocking me - namely, feelings of Lack and Scarcity - the Scar City in the mind - and fix them with the Laser Eyes of Doom until they dissolve. I won't be the first to look away! Most importantly, I move to replace Fear*full Resistance with Faith*full Acceptance. I've done enough growing the "hard" way; I'd like to try the "easy" way for a while. :-)

Appears to be a LONG way up... (Encinitas, CA 11/09)

 If that which you seek you find not within yourself, you shall never find it without. For behold: I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which you shall find at the (heart) of Desire.

~Doreen Valiente, Charge of the Goddess (slightly reworded)~

With the way cleared, perhaps I can answer some questions that have been dogging me: Who am I, and What am I supposed to be doing, in this New Reality? Karen Bishop (and others) had it correct - trying to act in the "old" ways doesn't work in this "new" reality. So what IS my true purpose?

The answers promise to be interesting, at the very least... :-)

Walking Down the Last Sun of 2011 (a picture story)

A note of explanation:
I have established a tradition where I live: I take my walk in the late afternoon, as the sun is setting. I call it "Walking Down the Sun." For the last day of 2011, I took my camera with me, just to see what would unfold before me.  So let me share with you this time... :-)

I've seen this new raptor at our complex for a while. I don't recognize him outside of being related to the hawks that fly around here. A falcon, perhaps? or an osprey?

I do recognize this beauty, though...an Anna's Hummingbird, caught in a perfect moment! (I've been seeing a LOT of hummingbirds lately, btw.)

First quarter moon, posed artfully under a high branch.

A rock on the property. One of these days, his "mouth" will open and he will speak to me. ;-)

I liked the combo of light and shade for this tree... :-)

Another bird I've seen a lot of as of late: the red-crested woodpecker. I recognize them by their chirring song.

A pic of the feral parrots who come visit the complex every night. In this case, they're in a neighbor's tree. There's a fairly decent sized colony of them, about twenty or so. They are loud squawkers, too!

Close up of one of the parrots, with its red face.

This is my pic to show that we do have "fall" colors in Southern California. So there. ;-)

The final sunset of 2011. Good night to you. Thank you for your special high intensity transformations...and glad you're complete! (well, mostly - but I'll save that for another post.)

So, here's where I stand today...

Gettin' by with help from my friends. (Kit Carson Park, 11/11)

 Though the mainstream world turns the page onto a new year come Sunday, I personally started my new year on the Solstice, which fell on the 22nd this year. Regardless, we are in the liminal days between the old and the new, and these last few days have been a time of reflection for me...

I regard 2009 as the year I Recapitulated my entire Spiritual Journey. I regard 2010 as the year I Shifted Realities, having unlocked some very deep, archetypal, and primal feminine energies - and stepped away from the mainstream world to make an effort to bring these energies into alignment within myself. It looks like I will come to regard 2011 as the year I Worked with, and through, my Core Shadows, those issues and challenges that have been hiding deep within, as deep as the aforementioned Wild Woman energies.
As assisted by the significant ebbs and flows of the (super-)natural energies that everyone felt, to greater or lesser extent, this past year, entire mountain ranges of emotion moved about inside of me, though I appeared to be rather motionless outside. Though my life might have appeared calm and peaceful to an outside observer, inside was anything BUT, as I felt tossed upside down, turned inside out, and put through the Cosmic Wringer more often than not!
Several times in 2011, I lost my Vision for my future, and my faith in the Divine was severely tested. Several times, I thought I was broken beyond repair; other times, I thought I would have to take very drastic action to secure my freedom and my very life! As I've noted previously, things most certainly came to a crescendo right after 11/11/11; only after the Solstice has the dust finally settled enough that I can begin to see the path as it stretches out before me once more.

That path has led me back into what many call "gainful employment." Yes, I've secured a muggle job once more...at the very same place I left 21 months ago! Fortunately, both the energies at my former-now-current workplace, along with the energies within ME, have shifted sufficiently that I feel comfortable enough to emerge from my time of sequestration. This renunciate is laying down her dogma and turning her attention to practical issues - namely, replenishing ye olde bank account with some regular infusions of cash monies!
I will say I'm grateful for this employment opportunity for three other reasons, besides the financial one: first, although I didn't wholeheartedly pursue muggle job opportunities during my sequestration, it's nice to finally hear a "yes, you're perfect," after hearing a whole bunch of nothing after interviews, aka, "No, you're not what we're looking for. Have a nice life anyway." Second, working at this job invites me to recreate solid structure in my life, around which I can arrange my ten thousand details to maximize my flow within life's currents. Let me confess: the lack of this structure has not been working to my benefit, as the Procrastination Gremlin has been frolicking around a bit too much in my psyche. Third, and not least, this job gives me a chance to get out of the home and into different energies. I give myself permission to have a spot of Breathing Room - which is gratefully welcomed at this point, let me tell you!

So in the space of these next few weeks, I will be playing with the details of my life. (As someone with a Virgo Moon, the prospect makes me infinitely happy.) I will continue to plot out potential destiny tracks for this year and beyond. I will also continue to be the Shamanic Priestess, no worries...mayhap just a bit harder to get in touch with. ;-) This is one thing I'm NOT compromising on - though I'm (going to be) more active in the muggle world right now, I'm still wielding my magick touch and offering my unique perspectives and gifts to those who are seeking it. I just have to see how my details gel before making major strides; as this is still the season of Repose, though, that's not a problem anyway. :-)

There's the practical stuff. Now the spiritual stuff...
I'm feeling more flexible, more open, more willing to shift my shape to accomodate change. I'm still feeling very empty and waiting to see what will come in to fill me. I'm also feeling uber-protected right now, wrapped in a blanket of Divine warmfuzzylove support.
I have allowed myself to be distracted far too much by the "when" and the "where" of my life, looking too much toward the distant horizon and not enough at the path immediately before my feet. I am shifting my focus to the essential parts that need my attention - to the Who and the What of my life. Here is where I need clarity and definition; as I define myself and my creations, my eventual "when" and "where" will resolve themselves.
There are parts of this journey that I will be sharing openly as I move forward in 2012, for I have found the word that I shall use as a guidepost for the new year: Expansion, in all parts of my life.

Tomorrow I shall walk the labyrinth at Questhaven and enjoy a long candlelight bath. Tomorrow I shall ponder activities that I want to unfold for the New Year. Sunday I shall circle with some of my sisters as we welcome in 2012 together.
May this year be an Awesome one for you and me and all of us!  :-)