lessons from hitting "the wall"

Special Black Rose. Source Unknown to Me. (9/15)

Although I talked about my experience with Depression in the past tense in my last post, it's not completely gone. It's no longer ranting and raging in my awareness, but it sits patiently in the corner, waiting for a chance to come forward and do its little destructive dance to distract me from what's going on in the outside world.

At the end of this past week, as I say, I "hit the wall."
Part of it was the inner teenager of my mother triggering my inner teenager, and we growled a bit at each other. Part of it was the numbers in my bank account not flowing the way I wanted them to. There was a third, very important factor that I wasn't taking into account; more on that in a moment. Now, I want to shed a bit of light on my Depression's mad dance in the off chance any of my two dozen (or so) peeps can relate...

First comes the anger - huge anger that borders on total unthinking rage. I don't physically harm myself or anyone else, so don't worry about that; having said that, I want to destroy something. This is why I'm considering taking a boxing class or two, both to vent and also to learn how to throw a punch properly, ya know, in case the Apocalypse really does roll out in the next year or so. ;)

The raging anger starts the Depressive spiral, as my brain locks up on one negative word/concept and comes to a screeching halt (sometimes with actual screeching and screaming for good measure). It takes a while to unlock and begin to process again, but only on a primal level...Eat. Drink Water. Rest. Sleep. That sort of thing.

After some quiet time, the mental and emotional density have filled my head. Then come the tears, often accompanied by keening, along with the Inner Critic screaming its usual litany of put-downs and insults around Being a Failure, Not Being ___ Enough, and so forth. (I wrote more about this in my previous post.) Once I have cried and wailed enough, though, the density empties out, and I can grab on to some Inspirational material to peel myself off of the wall and re-inflate myself. This is what I'm doing more often these days, and I'm able to "rebound" faster. :)

What I didn't realize this time, at least not initially, is that an important Anniversary of the Heart had come up for me - the anniversary of my miscarriage two years ago. I'm not ready to share more on that right now, but I want to note something important: big personal events, especially around the death of a loved one, can create a significant Vortex of energy that can pick you up and toss you all around on the anniversary of that event. This is what happens to me when the calendar arrives at the date of my father's death...for the first ten years after he passed, I went batshit crazy every August 3rd. Once I learned some esoteric techniques, I was able to shift my relationship with that energy Vortex so that I could do some powerful Work with it, instead of having it work me over!

The Vortex around my miscarriage, on the other hand, is not tied to a specific date. It is actually tied to the third Thursday and Friday in February. With this information, I can take some steps to shift my relationship to this Vortex starting next year, and perhaps accomplish some significant Work with this potent energy. In the meantime, I light a candle in her honor and acknowledge the experience, and the Vortex that has formed around it.

(special shout-out to Sarah Ban Breathnach for the phrase, "Anniversary of the Heart.") <3 p="">