|The Very End of the Sunset. (Nevada, 11/11)|
I started my Virtual Walkabout earlier than I expected. I needed to because of the massive amount of shape-shifting that surged into my awareness as the moon waxed from New to Full, and I desperately needed some Stillness to try to ground into. There were times when it was hard for me to put two sentences together in my head; in one significant sense, it felt like I was dying inside! - and now that I look back upon this process, a part of me was.
One of my shamanic sisters nailed it a few days prior to the full moon: I wasn't standing in the Crucible. This time, I was in the heart of a huge Volcano of Shadow, Negativity, and low-frequency ick. Just before the lunar eclipse, the Volcano erupted. BIG time! I went into my car for some privacy (taking along my hand drum) and let everything erupt. It was messy. It was LOUD. And after it was over, it was extremely cleansing.
I was anticipating further eruptions with the eclipse, but instead, I found myself dropping into a state of Serene Emptiness, for the first time in quite a while! As reality expanded around me again once more, I breathed into it, and receive the message that I had just passed through the Eye of the Needle, an initiatory portal that relieved me of a Ton of Nasty Stuff that I no longer needed to carry with me! Further sitting in stillness revealed to me what that Nasty Stuff entailed. To sum: The "Good Girl" is dead.
This doesn't mean that I'm now Darth Vader's left-hand woman or anything like that. ;-) Promise.
What has died within me is the People-Pleaser who had to be Agreeable with Everyone. If someone disagreed with anything she said or did, she became nervous...Maybe they don't like me anymore! What must I do to get them to like me? (so she could be Validated as a "Good" girl, see?)
What has died within me is the dreaming Perfectionista who had to have Every Last Detail of her dreams come Absolutely True in the World of Form, or it was Wrong. (And of course, she never had a dream that was off-target!) She who clung SO fiercely to Expectations, and Attached Everything to the Outcome - that's one way you define Fundamentalism!
With the waning moon, I'm working with Mother Vulture to clear away any and all remaining ick. So yes, I'm still on my Virtual Walkabout, though I'm leaving this little note to let my posse know that All Is Well. And there are forms emerging from the Emptiness for me to consider, so I'll be having some fun with those as the New Year kicks off. :-)