"The Arawak Indians say that everything has jaguar. Nothing exists without it. It is the tie to all life and all manifestations of life..." (Ted Andrews, Animal Speak)
When I started this blog in 2007, I wanted to speak of the journey of being a Priestess. This includes not just the ordinary things, but the mystical, mysterious things as well. Well, the former is well represented in these posts - through seeing the ordinary in magickal ways - but the latter seems rather under-represented. I want to take the wild expeditions through the land of "woo-woo" and make them accessible, if not entirely understandable. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Anyhoo, here is my current expedition, documented while in the field, as it were. This isn't a cut-and-dried thing as of this moment...which is altogether a good thing, methinks. :-)
It started with a Cuddle Party - which is basically an uber-gentle introduction into the world of (Western) Tantra. I gathered together with several men and women, received direction as to how the evening would unfold, then began to explore the realm of touch in an intimate, but non-sexual, way. This would seem to be right up my alley; I wouldn't mind more touch in my life, and I would prefer to move slowly, for various personal reasons. I thought all went well that evening...the full impact didn't hit me until later the next day. That would be about the time I found myself curled in a fetal position, mind locked in an anxiety feedback loop, thinking that celibacy would be a very good way to go for the rest of my life, and that everyone - EVERYONE - needed to be kept At Arm's Length, which is the way I used to relate to the world.
Something was very definitely wrong in the State of Victoria, and I'm not thinking about Australia.
For one, the level of anxiety I was feeling didn't correspond with anything I've experienced in this lifetime. Other lifetimes, that's a different matter - but those sticky points have been brought to the surface and cleared.
For two, this isn't the first time I've dealt with these feelings and very strong emotions. The summer of 2009 was all about Working on my personal stuff in this life, and the summer of 2010 was about Working on the personal stuff carried over from previous lives.
(For three, the "triggering event" was completely different in this latest summer!)
So with this stuff re-surging within my Awareness as if I was meeting it for the very first time, it hit me: I've moved beyond Working the Personal Stuff. I've graduated to Working on the Trans-Personal Stuff now! (My initial response after this A-HA! moment was a long, exhaled, "Greeeaaat," in the style of "Oh crap, looks like I gotta go back to the mat again! Give me Strength, Great Mother!")
I am calling this TPS the Energy of the Wounded Maiden...partly because it fits in with the time in my life (several lives, actually) when I was triggered, partly because that's the "flavor" of this energy: She who was forced to grow up, and/or was forced into a situation, before She was truly ready for it.
In Working with this energy, I am finding a lot of it having to do with Identity, personally and collectively, in the whole "I'm not ready to act/perform in this way, or be this person/fill this role that I am expected to be." This is actually the most fascinating part - at least, when I'm not knee-deep in feeling my way through a moment when I've been triggered and I need to claw my way through it! I am beginning to see how the "little-i" within me fights to keep her boundaries in place, and insists on growing "at MY pace, thank you!" I am also beginning to see how this "little-i" is trying way too hard to "grow up" and become the "Big-I," when all she/I/we really need to do is simply Relax and BE. Realignment in process! (LOL)
Clawing my way through an episode is actually a perfect segue to the other part of this equation, which I used to introduce this post. I am co-creating solutions to this challenge that's been set before me; more on that in a little bit. I am also reaching into my Bag O' Tricks to Work on the astral planes to see what solutions I can come up with myself via Visualization, (or as I sometimes call it, "Vision-Questing for Shamans Stuck in the Burbs.") ;-) This last time, I found myself shifting into a Jaguar Woman, facing the demons that came up before me and dispatching them with my claws. Ah - the Jaguar is coming into prominence at this time. Most Excellent!
I see her as a "refinement" of the Primal Feminine energy, not as wild and dangerous as Dragon. More approachable, Jaguar is...but still capable of dismembering you with a single swipe if push comes to shove, so don't push! For the record, Jaguar is described in Animal Speak under the same entry as "Panther." This medicine is about Reclaiming One's True Power, especially in the realm of sexuality! Tres apropos! (And if you want to know more, I invite you to read the entry yourself!)
With the Jaguar Medicine flowing within me, I attended a second Cuddle Party.
This time, I didn't have to wait until the next day to be impacted by the interactions; I am happy to say I experienced some deep and healing releasing, allowing at least one circuit in my life to be unexpectedly but wonderfully cleared and completed! In the days that followed, instead of wanting to contract and close off from the world, I felt myself opening and expanding to it, albeit gently. I had to rearrange parts of my schedule so that I could have some quality Alone Time, but it felt Right and Lovely. Further, in the synchronous ways of Divine Perfect Timing, I am going to be co-creating some more dynamic transformations with my newest bestie in a one-on-one session that just might shift the Earth on its axis! ;-)
Something very interesting that has occurred to me recently: this part of the Work that I'm doing now...it keeps coming up for another reason, not just so I can clear it on different levels. I'm beginning to entertain the idea that this might be the very Work I'm supposed to share with the world; in other words, what my Calling to be a Priestess is Really All About. I'm still sitting with this, and I'll let y'all know how things develop. :-)