A Spot of Transparency

Light Through the Clouds (Carlsbad, 8/10)

I've been wanting to write this for a while. I would make plans to sit down and put this out in the world, then the plans would dissolve. I actually managed to start this once, then stopped, because it didn't feel right. Then I wrote a "summary" on Facebook, and it all seemed to gel together. This is taking that summary and expanding it.

Transparency, yes. More of my peers have been engaging in Transparency lately, coming out from behind the veil and sharing more of themselves, ditching their fears of perfection in favor of greater Authenticity. Now I'm taking a turn at this.

2014 has been HARD. I got the idea fairly early on that this was going to be a year of stripping away the bullshit and coming face to face with the lingering Sticky Ego Bits in our Closets of Shadow - and it got personal real quick, starting right around the Spring Equinox. I had to give up one of our cars, a Hyundai Elantra, because it got to the point of diminishing returns (putting more money into the car vs. what it's actually worth). Dealing with the challenges of having one car and two people with a lot of obligations, in an area of the country where everything is a bit scattered and public transportation plays second fiddle to the Almighty Car, was just the beginning. I've lost count of how many times the energies and the shifts have knocked me on my ass this year. Year of the Horse, indeed; the Windhorses are going forward at a mad gallop and not showing any signs of slowing down in the near future! Year of Inner Strength, indeed: I have been pushed to my boundaries, and then beyond them. In the middle of May, during all of the wildfires, I had a moderate mental meltdown and had to step away from my muggle work. My mother's health scare then all but shut me down completely, and I'm just now starting to swim up to the surface, away from the murky bottom.

As much as I would like it to, and as much as I have expected it to at times (if I'm going to be totally honest), being a Shamanic Priestess does not shield me from the Special High Intensity Transformation, but it does allow me to see the gifts...like being removed from the wilder "outer" storms so I could focus more closely on my inner unrest. Like seeing exactly how this demon called Perfection has been messing with every aspect of my life.

Ah yes, Perfection - which wonders snidely why I have to rely on credit cards to cover basic expenses like gas and groceries when I should be using the Law of Attraction to get massive amounts of prosperity in my life. It chides me for gaining back Every Single Pound of weight I had released prior to meeting my husband. It suggests that I have to everything for everyone because no one else has their shit together enough to get things done the way they're "supposed" to be done, and only I know how things "should" be done. It whispers that my husband is going to leave me because we're not on the same level sexually and he's going to want to be with a woman who is more encouraging in bed. It insists that I will fail in my heart-centered business because "You have to have everything in your life in perfect order. Your house is a mess, you never get anything done, and you break all of your promises. Who's going to follow a Fuck-Up like YOU?"

So often, we are our own worst critics. That's why I had a meltdown so I could Melt Down all of the myths and untruths rooted in Old Reality and still hiding in the Shadows. That's why I broke myself wider open so I could bring both halves of my brain into greater balance, and synch it up with my own HeartWisdom. That's why opportunities to reach out and ask for Support where and when I need it have appeared before me. That's why I've given myself Permission to create a whole new Structure in my life that accommodates the "Me" that I still am, even within the structure of the "We" I am building with my husband.

There have been breathers during the chaos, which have allowed me to Micro-Move my way forward in the chaos... I created a Facebook page for my Shamanic Priestess brand/aspect. I have become a regular reader at the Philosophical Library and have Juju Bundles on sale there. Yay Me!
There's So Much More I want to do, but I realize: all in the fullness of time.

I still have a reading I did from SARK's "Ask Jupiter" oracle many moons ago; it's on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror: Your path is clear: Surrender and Proceed as the Way Opens.
Though it may be with much kicking and screaming at times, I am continuing to Surrender, and continuing to Micro-Move my way ahead as the fog continues to lift, and the Windhorses storm their way through the canyons of my mind.

Navigating my way through the Dim

Pretty things in the Dim. (Del Mar, 7/13)

Let me be entirely frank: This period of time from the Spring Equinox to the Summer Solstice has been a right BITCH! Between Grand Cardinal Crosses, solar flares, and Mercury Retrograde, I have seen the stuck points of my Shadow, indeed - and I'm totally Over It All.

When I last posted in April, I thought I was at the end of the rough patches. Newp...turns out it was just a breather. At work, it would get better, then worse, then better, then worse. Then we had a firebug or two try to set the whole of northern San Diego County on fire, which led to the evacuation of my workplace. I was just about a basket case when I got home that day.  I knew I had to make a Radical Change, and Quickly. So I left the muggle job in May. Okay, maybe NOW I can breathe, I thought...

...until the other shoe dropped when my mother's doctor called a week later, saying her blood tests showed she was on the verge of kidney failure. Suddenly her mortality smacked me hard in the face - and all of my knowledge of reincarnation and life after death could not even begin to comfort the little girl who suddenly realized she would, sooner or later, lose her mommy, just as she had lost her daddy. I had a total meltdown the last weekend of May.

The month of June has been about sorting through all the pieces of my*self and figuring out what will stay, and what will go. Slowly, steadily, I've been pulling myself back together. Slowly, steadily, I have seen the extent of my Stuckness: that part of me that is terrified of growing and succeeding because she knows her identity, her essence, will be destroyed in the process. She. Does. Not. Want. To. Change. Period. Slowly, steadily, the path forward and THROUGH this obstacle has been revealed to me, with a little help from my sister-friends. :-)

In the middle of all this, there have been tiny steps of growth and of change...and they look really promising! I have put down roots at the Philosophical Library as a reader and an energy worker. I have also formulated some specially aligned Juju Bundles for anyone to use and they are now (insert trumpeting) On Sale at the Library! As Mercury goes direct in July, I'll see what I can do to build on this success. Dear Husband has been providing many ideas and "What If..." snippets for me to sit with.


Heeeere's Juju! :-) (Escondido, 6/14)
 

I'll be all right. My primary Matron, after all, is Bast - the Cat Goddess who always lands on Her feet! ;-)

Back in...Turquoise!

Here comes the sun... (Naples, FL)

Perhaps the energies swirling about have driven me a wee bit crazy. Perhaps I'm finally loosening up and not taking everything SO seriously. Whatever, I'm finally back and posting here, and it feels Really Good. :-)

Talk about your Special High Intensity Transformation processes - holy shishkebab! My muggle job has gone from tolerable to crazy to full on Insane! Such is life when you transfer operating systems and discover the process is like one extended Tetris game! I have been pushed to my limits...and then seen my limits pushed out further than I could have imagined. As my capacities for endurance have increased, so has my discernment. What I could tolerate in the past is often rather unacceptable now, and solutions need to be devised sooner rather than later, thank you very much!

To add to the Tricksters' frolicking, my old computer became infected by a rather pernicious spambot that would pop up umpteen ads on my screen whenever I visited a website, any website. I was basically unable to do anything on the old comp. Himself and I have come up with a solution; sometime in the near future, I'll be transferring all of my pics and docs from the old comp to a "new" one. Then I'll be completely back in business once more.

In the meantime, I'm finding my way back to my key sites, like this one, and starting to do some long-need updates. Progress might not be coming as quickly or on as grand a scale as I initially expected, but I'm getting where I want to be...one step at a time.

I thought once I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but it turned out to be a train coming headlong at me! Fortunately, I managed to jump out of the way in time. Now I see sun rising once more...and I say, "It's All Right." ;-)

Seven years on...

It's about that time again... (@ Home, 2011)

The blog is seven years old this month.
Wow. :-o

I remember why I created the blog...
Seven years ago, I responded to the whispers in my heart with a YES.
I wanted to take the gifts I had discovered, and was discovering, and share them with the world.
I wanted to move from being "just" a Wiccan priestess with a love for shamanic techniques into being a Priestess of the World, using my gifts to help others heal, and grow, and reclaim their own Authentic Power.
I wanted to document the journey more-or-less publicly as I did so, partly for Accountability, mainly because I'm a Storyteller and this would make a rockin' good story, yes? Thus, I began to Dance in ze Sky.

Seven years on, and where am I now?
I thought I had it going on, moving slowly but steadily toward my goals.
Come 2011, specifically November 11th, 2011, things took a radical turn off the road - literally, as I found myself tromping around in the desert just outside of Las Vegas helping to look for my lost car key! I never did find that key, but I had some new ones made, and it's all good now.
I'm calling it a detour, slightly more than two years in length, moving through the Dragon year of 2012 and the Snake Year of 2013 on a crazy roller-coaster style ride. I've been squeezed, squozed, poked, prodded, place in the heart of the Fire and tossed into the quenching Water as I've journeyed along the path of Special High Intensity Transformation!
In this space of breathing and considering, I see that ALL of this has been necessary - for along the way I note that I have released every last bit of Stuck Ego within me, every last thought of Playing Small, lest I rock the boat too much. Is it any wonder I wanted to call a do-over at the end of January/start of February and just stay in bed and REST for a week or two? (LOL)

I find myself in something of Chrysalis mode right now, observing and resting and taking inventory of what still remains for me, post-Shifting of Shape. Pardon me a moment while I take full advantage of some clichés - for it's back to basics right now, and I've gotten the message starting over with a clean slate several times in the last few weeks. So, basically...I have no Big Picture right now, but I DO have a few nibbles I'm going to be following up on in the near future. :-)

In the meantime, there's a hint of the fragrance of night-blooming jasmine in the air, roughly a month early. See, while many of my friends are enduring the Winter that Just Won't End, those of us in Cali (especially SoCal!) just finished experiencing the Winter that Wasn't. Lots of warm desert winds, combined with a ridge of high pressure that just won't quit, have dried us out and kept us dry for most of the season most everyone else knows as Winter. I'm already hearing the hummingbirds beginning their courting dives as we ease into the Spring (yes, it's Spring, even if it doesn't really feel like it in your neck of the woods!) I'm also enjoying my first real Valentine's day as part of a couple, with my boo-bear, Jonathan. This has meant lots of flowers, a modestly-sized Teddy Bear, dinner in Old Town, and a lot of rampant snoggery! That's all I'm gonna say about that... ;-)

As I move along my new path in the New Reality, I'll try and see about blogging a bit more about the Journey, so stay tuned, loyal peeps! In this Horse Year, I feel the best is truly yet to come...