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| Through the "Rebirth Canal" (Encinitas, 9/09) |
Can we say Understatement of the YEAR!
If April was about fully feeling the Loneliness, and May was about fully feeling the Blocks, in June I came to feel the Central Shadow at the core of all of my Shadows, the one Fatal Flaw that "doomed me to fail" in this lifetime: I was Too Negative.
As the story went, I was too sarcastic, too snarky, too scared to make the leap of faith - too damn comfortable and stuck in my sorry farce of a life to make any meaningful changes. All the positivity in the world turned to poison in my hands, for all I could see was how great and wonderful and miraculous everyone else was doing...but I was not doing that, because I couldn't find the Way Out. My pathetic little attempts to make Big Changes always fell flat, or just short, or were entirely stillborn. The shiny happy life I desired was there, but Just Out of My Reach - and there it would stay, forever.
Nasty little illusion, eh?
I knew it was an illusion, YET it kept getting stronger, more pervasive, and denser in my being. The fog got thicker and thicker as the moon waned from fullness into darkness.
To add to the growing despair, my familiar-cat, Princess Joey, was having greater and greater challenges just staying alive. Her movement slowed way down, and one could see that she was in great pain and discomfort. She quit jumping altogether. She drank a lot, and peed a lot - but was no longer making it into the litterbox. She would only eat two or three bites at a time. It became very apparent that this was her last life, and it was coming to an end. After a great deal of soul-searching and conferring, mom and I chose to help her over the Rainbow Bridge back to the Unseen World. With the assistance of a very compassionate veterinarian and her equally compassionate assistant, Joey shuffled off her mortal coil at the ripe old age of seventeen, just. In people years, she was 110. Ah, what a rich full life! what an utterly spoiled life too! ;-)
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| Vaya Con Diosa, Mi Amorcita. (@Home, 5/12) |
I said the majority of my goodbyes the night before she passed.
As that Friday became Saturday, I woke up in total bleakness and all-out despair. I was convinced that I was an utter failure at life and living, that there was no way for my dreams to become Real. I was convinced that I was stuck in this farce of a life forever - and I made a choice. I was going to drop offline completely, deleting all of my accounts and profiles. I was going to call my work when the alarm went off and quit my job. I was going to go into my room and wait, until death came for me, or the doctors came for me, to put me in the little windowless room. I entered into a state of Absolute Surrender; I even said three times, within myself, I am done. I Am Done. I AM DONE.
...and then Light filled up my brain.
...and then I took a deep breath.
...and then I wondered, have I done a soul exchange? Is this still me? Quick, test the memories!
All the memories were there. I knew it was still me when I realized I still loved hammerhead sharks. ;-)
In one swift stroke, I shed the skin of Negativity and all the characters stuck in that Negativity. In the space between heartbeats, I passed through the tiniest Eye of the Needle and emerged REBORN on the other side.
wow. Wow. WOW!!
When I woke up Saturday morning, I felt "inappropriately" giddy. I felt completely, fully and totally Alive. I wanted to roll down my windows and scream out to the still-slumbering world, I am right here, right now! I am Made of Awesome!! I am a fucking MIRACLE!!!
I don't think the world would have appreciated it. ;-)
I finished off the Releasingway with a formal ceremony at my sister shamanka's fire circle...and Great Mother, did it feel GOOD to release all that schtuff at last! Not only have I reconnected with my Positivity, but I've also reconnected with my own Blessed Divinity - Oh Yes Indeedy I AM Goddess Incarnate! 'Bout time I started acting like it, eh! (lol)
So yes, I had a breakdown, but it was the necessary precursor to my break-through. I had to own and inhabit those illusory states completely before I could release them...the lesson of the Great Serpent Mother. Now that I have shed my skin, the question becomes, again, now what?
The answer came swiftly: now, you REST, for once!
Yes, Mama. :-)
